Have you ever met someone who inspires you more than words can say? Someone who even though you never knew them long enough, you admire them more than words can say, have you ever wished you could be just like that person? To watch someone in amazement and wish that you could follow their footsteps, walk their path and never fall.

I know most of my friends never even knew I had a sister, and that she was a stepsister. I never use that word, because despite differences and despite our alternate opinions, no one will ever be closer to the word sister than my very own. We never grew up together and even if we were raised not to be so affectionate, there lies that understanding between us that I love her more than she knows and she loves me more than I will ever believe. Watching her I learn more in life, than I am humble enough to admit. God is wise as he placed me right where he knew someone can guide me.

I used to envy her, and when I was little living in her shadows was so hard. My mom would use her as the perfect example of how we could be, how we must all be. I used to wish she would fail just once so we would not look so bad anymore, that's was lame I know. I was young what can I tell you? I was too stupid to realize how lucky I was to be in the presence of someone who can teach me so much. Imagine standing next to the living proof of what hard work and determination can bring into your life.

I just wanted to give thanks to the one person who is my mother sometimes, my guide most times, my sister and my truest friend at all times. It takes real care and genuine love to tell someone when they are wrong, and to stop them from doing something that can harm them. It's a lot easier to not care, but then my sister was never shy of hard work. So for having the patience of an angel, for the unbelievable love you show me, even when I am unbearably a pain in the ass. Thank you.

I know we rarely say this but I mean it with all my heart I love you for no one can ever compare to you, the only one whom I admire more than Mom. My idol for life.

Happy Birthday Atche....

Happy Ending...

She sings to herself, life is so wonderful right now.  Waking up to find him watching her was bliss, she loved him so much, she was breathing for him only.  She closed her eyes to look back at how it all started.  January 13th 2003, he knew her name, he knew so much about her.  Who would have thought hosting a chat room would bring such popularity, who would have thought she would love someone who was 6000 miles away.  It was internet love, and everyone who knew them was envious for they were so inlove, they would talk to each other at every moment, before they went to sleep and when they woke up.  It was surreal.  He was so real to her, he did all the little romantic things that she just couldn't escape.  She fell slowly but surely, and suddenly he was all that mattered, she walked away from every man who ever loved her, and whom she ever loved.  She would wake up at 7am to wait for his phone call, and as he ate his lunch they would dream of their future together, for that moment distance faded, and time would stand still. They had this time difference pinned down 5 hours wasn't so much after all.  At 12pm he would be home and they would sing and talk to each other until 3pm when he would sleep.  At night she would wake him up so he could go to work, and as he drove to work they would talk to each other about anything and everything. This was their everyday, as in every single day.  It was as perfect as it could be.

Five months went by so quick and on the 6th month he began to fade. July 31st and the proof became clear, he was cheating on her, she walked away, and he begged her, cried to her, she cried and stupidly took him back.  This time he was clear he wanted her there, he wanted her home with him, inlove and hurting she made the decision.  That night she laid on her bed, and thought about everything, about everyone and what she would have to give up.  This was her test, this was her moment to prove how much she loved him.  She bought the ticket 3 days after, and within two weeks, she had given up her brilliant job, said goodbye to most of her friends, and sold and gave away everything she ever owned.  She was almost ready, everything was falling into place. He must have loved her right? He must have done.  Everything he did to win her back, convinced her he loved her, he didn't let her go, and chose her, he must have loved her, right? When she tried to leave him he cried so hard he couldn't breath.  She sat and stared outside her window towards the lights of the city and tried to comfort herself and convince herself that he does love her. He does.

Two weeks before her flight and she calls him, yeah she always calls him now, she never even realized he had stopped calling her way back in April, and she just called him to save him money since he spent so much on his last trip home.  The cell rings and she has those butterflies again, its that anticipation.  He answered without realizing, and she hears him with another girl making out, making out! No! No! No! her world fell apart that day.  She listened as he told the other girl all the sweet things he used to say to her, and all she could do was gasp.  She was broken on August 21, and her life will never be the same again, for she had lost everything, no job, no home, nothing, she gave up everything for this lying, cheating RAT.

What must she do know, where can she go, she sat in her office, behind her desk, she had a secretary for the first time, imagine that, a 28 year old asian girl, an IT manager, with a house of her own with everything going for her, now she had nothing, and she can never turn back, she was too far into it.  So despite two weeks of not eating and crying, she took her flight, and he was there at the airport.  Can she ever be with him, she knew the answer so well.  She knew it can never be, she will never trust him.  Those 5 days were a blur, and numb she left him.  The next 3 months of tears where she thought suicide was the only end, but she got through it.  She also found out he was married twice, and he was cheating on her from the very beginning,  how could he pretend?  How could he do that to her?  How could he live with himself, knowing what she had to go through to get to him? HOW?

Some scars are so deep they continue to sting despite time, when will she let the hatred go?  When will she walk away from the pain? When will she learn to truly trust again? When will she meet the one to make it all go away? The one to heal this wound?  When will she find her Happy Ending.....

When the last teardrop falls.......

It's so hard to lose the one you love
To finally have to say goodbye
You try to be strong but the pain keeps holdin' on
And all that you can do is cry
Deep within your heart you know it's time to move on
When the fairy tale that you once knew is gone

Chorus:

When the last tear drop falls
I'll still be holdin' on to all of our memories
And all of what used to be
When the last tear drop falls
I will stand tall
And know that you're here with me in my heart
When the last tear drop falls

So now I'm alone and life keeps movin' on
But my destination still unknown, oh yeah
Will there be a time when I'll fall in love again?
When I was meant to walk these streets alone
If there was just one wish I could be granted here tonight
It would be to have you right back by my side

Chorus

Now it's time for me to find my happiness again
And the emptiness from missin' you
Will never ever end, baby

Chorus

Butterfly

I search in vain for a reason to
hold on and stay true
You faded from me
Was it unwillingly?

Where are you now?
Teach my heart how
To keep my faith within
To remember what has been.

The greatest moments i've known
To feel once again the love you've shown
I know no reason why
This butterfly should fly

Maybe that is all that it must be
A beautiful and enchanting memory
A fairy tale without a happy end
A new heartache to mend

My hand opens once more
To watch the butterfly soar
To once again fly free
Leaving me with what used to be.....

Copyright © Zeliah 2004

Yesterday after having less than 6 hours sleep in the last 3 days, as I was trying to finish all my work and help friends with theirs, my body decided to call it quits again.  All I remember was talking to my mentor Steve and telling him I was dizzy.  I went to lie down and woke up this morning.  To find my daughter had placed covers on me, she put water next to the bed, she even made sure I was comfortable, she put my hair down and she helped me get into bed.  My point to all this, other than I feel like I reversed roles with my daughter is that, days like this and a million reasons as to why I love her more than words can say, because no one sees the great things she does, and the changes she has had to go through having a mother like me brings.  My life has always been a Days of our lives episode that plays on and on, and sometimes despite my best I fail as no one is perfect, and she has to suffer through those consequences.  She is not perfect, not by any means but she is perfect to me, her love for me is one that grows everyday and is the one thing that keeps me going when everything is going wrong.  When the people close to me have let me down, she is there always.  I have never known anyone who loved me that way.  No one!  I know no one ever will.  Her words and her actions are genuine and sincere to the very core of every word. I asked her why she did this and all she said was "you were so ill I wanted to make you feel better". 

Ok so before I flood my keyboard and I begin to go deeper into why the artwork she made, means so much to me as it must have taken her hours to do it.  It was the fact that rather than playing with her toys or watching TV she sat down to give me what she thought would help me, disregarding herself.  I have not met many people who are like that.  If I was to be frank, most of my friends will call me for their needs, some of the people I meet only think of themselves and only know you when they need something.  I hate to say it but its true, there are too many selfish people in my life, who see me as their personal tech support, their personal bank, their personal slave, their personal counselor, their own relationship guru, and very rare would they call me to check if I need something or if I am ok.  God is wise for he gave me the one person who helped me more than anyone.  Someone who sees me in a light brighter than anyone can shine on me.  I know that no matter how anyone chooses to see her, or what anyone says, she will always be on my side. So when I let go of friends who have abused our friendship or let go of anyone else, its because I know that nothing will compare and no one will come close, and I need to give my time and my love to the one who means the most to me, and that is Luna.  There is nothing more important to me right now, and everytime this choice comes up, there will be no question.  For there is no contest. 

I often get complimented that I love my daughter so much, and yes I do more than I can express here, but the reason I love her is more profound than just because I am her mother, it is who she is, and what she does, and the love she shows me everyday.  I started this journal to have something that was my own, something that isn't anyone else's.  I wanted a place to leave my thoughts, remind me of good times, lessons learned, and everything that I would want to read about, and if most of my entries get wiped out tomorrow. I would hope that the ones with Luna stay to remind me that I was blessed for unlike other mothers I not only love my daughter because she is mine.  I fall inlove with her everyday and I am lucky for she is mine.

Thanks Luna..... You are and always will be my true forever....

Who is the prettiest of them all?  Am I pretty she asked? Am I? In her mind she wishes for it to say "You"  Why does she want that validation? Why does she need someone to tell her what she is worth? 

Why do we need that? Why does it seem to be the norm with men and women to need validation?  Why would we believe others with what they say about us or what they think we should be? This kind of attitude is what leads to so many problems in our society.  I started a fitness xanga not so long ago, because I wanted to track my fitness progress everyday, and as I began to read other fitness blogrings I saw literally hundreds of ANA and MIA sites (for those not well verse on these abbreviations ANA stands for Anorexic Nervosa Anonymous, and MIA stands for BuliMIA). I'm not here to condone or oppose these two state of minds. I just question myself whether its healthy to bombard us everyday with models of the perfect body, and this in turn ends up harming the younger generation.  There is no perfect body. I mean none. Don't compare yourself with anyone! You are unique, absolutely and infallibly perfect in your own right.  No one has the right to judge you nor evaluate your look of your personality, REMEMBER that! No one I mean not a single person has the right to tell you who you are or who you must be. If there was a perfect body or a perfect person in this world then that person was made up, or was surgically enhanced.  I tell you now, you are and you can be the best person you want to be, just believe in YOU!  Don't let anyone tell you what or who they think you are.

How come they don't teach us at school about self confidence? How come they don't show us that believing in ourselves is one of the most important skills we will need to succeed in life.  Because with self belief comes determination, motivation, and the strength to do anything.  If you believe in yourself then you will try to do anything, you will never hesitate to reach for your dreams, to excel your own and everyone else's expectations.  I learned a long time ago that no one knows me as good as I know myself, and if anyone should judge me, then it should be me.  No one and I mean no one can tell you who you ARE!

I am lucky in that I have a few admirers, and to be fair I have my share of critics, and you would be suprised that some of my critics are closer to me in my life than my admirers, too close, and I know if I was weak, they would have broken me by now, imagine having your very own relative tell you how useless you are, and how this and that is wrong with you, and blame you for everything that has ever gone wrong!  I do. I know how it feels, but I also know who I am, and what I am aiming for, and that no one knows me best, and that no one knows what happens in the middle of the night when its just me working towards my future, no one knows what ideas form in my mind, and no one knows what I am capable of more than me.  I can't let someone else tell me how to live my life, for it is still mine, it is still my decision, and I am still the one who is left after everyone has gone. I am the one left to pick up each piece and pull through.

Look within you and find the one who knows you best, the one who was always there through it all, and you will find no one will compare to the knowledge you have about yourself.  No matter how close you are to your mom, your gf/bf, your bestfriend, they will never know you better than you know yourself.  Therefore the evaluation lies in you, the wisdom is in your hands, the strength is in your soul.  You don't need anyone to tell you how pretty you are, or how sexy you are, how clever you are or how hardworking you are, or whether you can make it.  YOU know! you just know.  Look within you and realize that you hold your true self worth.  You don't need anyone to tell you who you are or what you can be!!

You know..... and now go out there and show them!!

Church of Christ

I believe wholeheartedly about God, and without question I have faith in Jesus Christ.  I do however wonder whether I will ever find a religion that is right for me.  I don't want to get into a debate about which religion is better, because I truly believe it is up to everyone of us to choose. However I believe that much like choosing a baseball team or a football team, its not about choosing the team that is from your city, its about choosing the one that will guide you, a faith that will .  Call it rebellious but I actually decided at the age of 17 that I would not follow my family into Roman Catholism, because first I had very serious concerns about the way the religion was being presented, and I felt that it was stuck in its old ways, and was unable to evolve into the new generations and new challenges that we all are starting to face.   I know that many of my dead relatives including my grandma would probably be turning in their grave at the mere thought of what I just said, but I believe in free choice.

I believe that in order to make the right decision we must have all the facts, and then make an informed decision.  I have spent 16 months with Muslims, learning all about Islam's from my best friend, and despite the disciplined and powerful religion that Islam was I never felt it was right for me, but I respected my best friend and I admired her for her sheer dedication in educating me and helping me realize that fact.

I also spent  a year learning about Buddhism, and despite my unfathomable love for Zen, Buddhism was also not right for me, mainly because although it implied Zen, it had characteristics that I could not accept. My aunt spent so much time with me and taking me to Born Again Christian masses and get together's, even baptism.  I love the way they worship, the way they act like a community, yet again I found aspects that I could not accept.

The point is I studied many religions, even Mormons and Quakers, and a few New Age genre as my father was into that stuff (yep typical girl hoping to get close to her dad through religion, glad that scenario faded).  I also studied kaballah and believe me its good but further into it I felt it was a novelty that artist are trying to hold on to, much like a diet fad, here today gone tomorrow.

I guess what it boils down to is that we all search for enlightenment, but how many of us are willing to find it? how many of us want to put the work in? how badly do we really want to find enlightenment? or are we hoping if we sit in one place long enough it will find us? Maybe we choose our religion or the religion of our parents to avoid confrontation, or maybe we would rather not rattle the cage? Are we being fair to our children/children to be? How can we educate and inform the future generation, if we ourselves don't know what the choices are and what they are about?

I want to be able to answer Luna when she comes to ask me as confuse as I once was.  I want her to learn first then make an informed decision that is important to many, yet so few take the time to learn about.  I want to be able to explain to her what I have learned about the different religions, and then with my guidance she can make her own choice at the right time, for now I stick to what is important, the love of god and the blessed life he gave both of us.  I don't think it matters what you call God, whether its Allah or Buddha, the most important point is you realize and respect there is a higher power, someone who guides us all. 

This entry is turning out to be a novel again so I will end it by telling you a little about one particular religion I am now only learning about. As I mentioned earlier on I have been doing a lot of research about the Church of Christ and they are currently celebrating their 90th anniversary. I have learnt so much about the religion, yet I have so much more to learn. I know that its a religion I want to research further, but for now I want to take you through what I have learned so far. Which is the Church of Christ. What fascinates me about the Church of Christ is that they are different from mainstream religions, and no I do not wish to ensue any religious debates. I'm merely expressing my opinion on such a diverse religion.

The religion was founded by Minister Felix Ysagun Manalo in 1914 and is currently one of our country's major religious denomination.

"Iglesia ni Cristo (Church of Christ) has been distinguished by its phenomenal growth in the Philippines and in many other countries. An all-Filipino religious denomination, INC uses vernacular languages in teaching and preaching the Gospel, enabling it to spread the faith down to the level of the masses. Its law-abiding, disciplined leadership and members have made INC a role model for other religious organizations." As said by the Manila Bulletin, and I agree.

The religion's principles are sound, and the scope of their belief is so wide that not only do they nurture the religous needs of their congregation, their attention to their economic and physical wellbeing is profound. I marvel at the projects that they create and maintain, things such as job placements, housing and education. I am humbled by their sense of community and their alliance towards each other's welfare.

I have met some men and women who follow the Iglesia ni Cristo way of life, and I was not encouraged enough to research the faith. Until I met a former priest who showed me that that in order to truly learn I must put my heart and my soul into it and open my mind and my heart. I must learn about it.  His own experience in learning, as in years of research, reading everything including commentaries, encyclopedias, even paperback novels. After belief and disbelief he came to the conclusion that the Church of Christ was for him.

My journey into the Church of Christ has been very enlightning, it has provided me with such warmth and such knowledge of their way of life. They have a very welcoming way, and their principles are admirable. I am about to enter into a new era of my beliefs.

The former priest I speak of, has taught me that research is the key to any answer, and if you search deep enough you will find what you are looking for.  I am so lucky to have met him, for he taught me so much in such a short space of time.  So I guess all thats left to say for now is

Happy 90th Anniversary to the Church of Christ.

Please take the time to really learn about decisions that affects your life, whether its religion or anything else.  I know its not always possible to see all the different sides of the coin, but its better to try not not at all. So be informed, and take charge of your own salvation, of your own beliefs, never accept something just because someone told you, or so something because your family or your friends do it, make up your own mind, and take control of your own life. I chose this song because its closest to my heart, believe that he loves you, and you will find the peace in your heart, faith is a might powerful source of strength, and we all could use strength. 

Jami

I just wanted to let you know wherever you are, and whatever happens I am still here.  You can call me anytime, and even if its midnight or mid day just call me and I will find a way to help you. I just read your note and I am so worried. 

You have all my contact details, so just call me, whether collect or not.  Just let me know.  I am wondering where you are right now, what you are doing, if you are ok, if you're not hurting.  I had a little step sister before, and I never cared for her as much as I care for you, mainly because she was a witch, but I'm sure she is ok by now.  I know that things seem bad, and that you are emotionally in a bad way right now, but please remember your promise, you won't do anything harmful without talking to me first, please never forget I am here, and I will do what I can to help you.  I know this is the best way to reach you, and even if a lot of people can read this, then I can deal with that, as long as you get to see it, as long as you know I am here, and nothing that will happen to you can break you, because you have me here to pick up the pieces with you. 

I can only imagine what you are about to go through or are going through but I believe in you, and you are amazingly strong and incredibly resillient, and I know that no matter what happens we can get through it, you have me to get through it, so sis wherever you are, and whatever happens I will help you, in anyway I can, just get in contact with me.  I will get you whatever you need. I will wait for you, no matter how long it takes little sis.  I will pray god keeps you safe always, and that soon I will hear from you.

I love you sis and you will never be alone, no matter what happens. I promise you.

This Girl......

: there was this girl
: i met a few days back
: she is so beautiful
: not because i saw her picture
: its because u can fell her presence through her words
: its like when u go out and do ur thing from day to day
: she keeps popping up in ur head
: I can see her smile
: it then makes me smile
: i wonder how life can bring me such a wonderful surprise
: but i dont question it anymore
: its a part of me and i love it
: times like when I am down
: she is there
: times when I am happy
: she is there
: its times like these I think I was meant to feel
: what life
: and its gifts
: are suppose to feel
: no matter what happens
: this has been a wonderful time in my life
: and I hope she knows i love her....

I saw this and I was speechless.......

I promise

I am here again huh! its 3:32am. I feel like a burden has been lifted.  Please listen to the song, with every entry I choose the most appopriate song, and today this song fits. Ok so I am staring at this mirror and I can see my reflection so clear yet so blurred.  I can see my life as it is, work is overflowing and the gym is getting harder, as in 3 hours of everyday, and I'm on the 3rd day of my BFL competition.  I am under pressure as I have two businesses about to take centre stage, and the preparation is overwhelming. I volunteer as a tech support for a chat program I was a member of for 4 years (call it experience and giving back).  I am having to hold a lot of my friends together as they are going through some major heartaches.  I made promises to friends and loved ones that need to be completed.  I am behind by at least 3 days because of an incident, and still to this day I am concerned for that person.  I am maintaining 6 different journals, and no I wont say what or where they are.  I am in the middle of a relationship dilemma.  I am as always questioning my sanity, my peace, my heart, my motives, my love, my role and my life!

My point to all this is I am really really under pressure.  I take on a lot and then others depend on me too, so the load gets too heavy, but I have a lot of faith in God, more than my faith in love and life, lies my faith in God. I am not your everyday church going individual, though I have nothing against it.  I just believe that my relationship with God is right for me.  I believe in him without question, he is the center of my being, he is the one I go to when I am happy, when I am scared, when I am hurting, when I need to be grateful, he is the one who I go to for everything, when I say I follow Zen. I mean I follow common sense as a way of life, but my faith in God and in Jesus is whole and solid.  I grew up in a strict religious family, and it was forced, as in kneeling everyday to pray the rosary even when you are so tired you cannot stay awake, because my grandma would pray for every living thing by name, there was no please god protect everyone in this world and most especially those who need you. NOPE NOPE she would name them all I mean from the shop owner at the corner of our street to some relative who died years before, so 3 hours was never enough for praying.  Today I pray to god even when I am sitting here, when I meditate, and no matter where I am.  I remember to thank him for everything he has given me, for LUNA, thank him for my family and friends, and ask him for strength at times like now, when I feel emotionally drained, and physically worn out.  I write this here so maybe you will be reminded that just when you feel its all too much, and you feel you can't hold on anymore, call on him, ask him for strength, and if like me you ask from the bottom of your heart, if he can he will help you.  He always helps me

Less than 10 years ago while I watched all the doctors and nurses rush around panicking all over me I closed my eyes and prayed to god with all my heart.  "God I know I am not the best person to have a child, and yes there are many things in my life I regret, and I know that I was wrong to get angry because my brother died two days ago, but I need your help now, please please dont let my daughter die.  I kept her safe these nine months, and no labor distress is going to take her away from me.  I need you now God. I am so scared.  I promise that if you help me I will live my life forever grateful to you, and I promise to be a good mother." and I remember nothing more but waking up at 5am next to a daughter who became the very center of my universe. The one person who even at her young age manages to show me the world in such rainbow colored eyes.  I know that promise is still in my heart, always reminding me to be stronger when I feel tired, and when things are wrong, that I owe him more than words can ever express.

I want to concentrate on that promise now more than ever. I want to be a better mother, give her more time, because I know that too many other things are taking that away from her.  I make this decision because even when my work and my boss jump off a bridge together I will be ok, if I never win the BFL I will live, and if my friends leave I will be hurt but I will again live, and if every man who says he loves me leaves, or I leave every man I ever loved (wait I did leave them all LMAO! at least I left the ones who cheated) I will be alright, because there is no one more important to me, there is only ever one that I cannot live without and that is Luna, so I tell you now, that the love I have for everyone is only a fraction of the love I hold for her, and no one comes close, not even my own family. Are you shocked? Oh well!  When you feel your child hug you back for the very first time, you will understand.  She changed my life.  God blessed me and I am forever grateful.

God is there, right next to you, and no matter what faith you choose, never hesitate to ask the one who is most powerful, for help.  We all need help, and I know I do right now.  I was taught by a friend of mine that I am human too, and I could use help too, so thank you "Bun" for reminding me, that I can't carry it all.  I always say thank you to others and try to give them so much of me, so its rare to find someone who is willing to give so much back.  I am truly blessed.  I am lucky to have a friend who won't let me run away from it all, who will without hesitation tell me that I need to get myself together and tear down my own walls. Thank you. 

So when you feel like everything is going wrong and no matter what you do it seems to get worse, call him I mean close your eyes and just call him, he is there I assure you.  I can prove it, coz he is there for me.  He always is there for all of us. Believe, don't let doubt hold you, open your heart and believe.