I had a great weekend. I had a emotional weekend, and now I am left with so many decisions, most of which can change our lives forever.  I need to decide what is best for my daughter and I.  I need to search my heart and acknowledge feelings that I have hidden even from myself.  I once loved someone so much that when it was not returned I buried that love so deep, so that I may never feel it again, only to find it was there all along.  Now I am having to deal with it again and I am torn.  Family is so important to me, and I knew that once the day came when I would have to make these choices, my underlying need for a family life would always govern my heart.  As parents we develop a rare quality that not all can understand and that is the unique act of selflessness, and instinctively we strived to give our children everything that we had and all that we feel we missed out on.  I know I do.  I know I look at my daughter and everything I do is for her to have the chances that I never received and I want to learn so much so that I may be able to teach her all that I never knew at that age.

Being a parent I learned about whats important. It's not the money, or the brilliant career.  It's not the big house with the white picket fence.  It not the fast cars, and no I wont deny that money is needed in life, but its importance was never vital for me.  I learned that being parent is about selfless acts.  It's devotion and dedication to do everything you can.  To  be all that you can be too, and to lead by example so that your child/ren can and will be all that they can be.  It's providing what you can, when you can and to never stop trying to fulfill the most rewarding and priveledged job in this world, and that is to shape another human being into a God loving person with principles and beliefs, to be an adult who can and will make a difference here on this earth.

I always question how I am doing in this job, and sometimes appraisals come when you least expect them.  Sometimes fate will throw you a curb ball and you either stand and deal or duck and miss your shot.  Standing in church on Saturday listening to the priest as he preached about honesty and how if you cannot be honest about something small in your life, then you will find it even more difficult to be honest about bigger things.  I look at my family, my daughter as she listened without fail to the man whom she had never met before, yet has the power to change her life forever.  They looked so right together, and from that moment I knew no one could ever take that place.  I knew that from that moment no man loved her more than her father ever could.  I watched them as they slept and I was even more certain that on that day I would make the hardest of choices and my heart would surely break but I would be doing the right thing, and if it makes her happy then that is all that matters.

I pray in the hope that I will find guidance.  To search within and make the right decision for everyone.  Making a decision which affect me only is easy.  I am strong enough to deal with that, but when Luna is involved and when others whom I care for are involved, then I am a lot more wary.  Should I do what is right for my daughter or for my career, there is no question I choose my daughter, right?  I said this before and I never hesitated, and I won't hesitate now, but what if my choice affects other people in my family. What then?  I know they will try to understand me, my sister has always been there more than I ever knew.  I was just too ignorant to listen.  I see her now and how much she wants me to be happy.  That is all she has ever wanted.  I am just getting close to someone who had made more impact in my life than I ever thought possible, so if my decision involves leaving another part of my family, its harder, because they are already a part of my heart.  Love can be so lame when it tears you apart.  Have you ever stood still and found that the world keeps moving, with or without you.  Have you ever wished that sometimes life will throw you a User Guide, a map even? Maybe an old exam paper just to help you cope with the new set of questions. A manual with diagrams would be much appreciated in this maze we call life.

For now I pray and I think about what it is that I hold inside my heart and inside my head.  I vowed to be true to myself and then to everyone around me.  I have nothing to hide.  There is no one in this world that I have to answer to more than God himself, and he has always been on my side, more so when things get harder.   I am off meditate and maybe then I will find the answers I need.  Goodnite

Today

This would have to be the best day of the year for me, for this is the day that my Mother and Daughter was born.  The day that enables me to celebrate the two most important people who have shaped me so much.

My mom who from the time I was born gave me more love than I could have ever dreamed of and supported me through countless mistakes and was there to congratulate me on all my achievements.  The one person who understood me more than most and love me far more than I can fathom.  Being a mother myself I now understand how many sacrifices she made and how much strength it takes to bring up your child let alone 3 children alone.  How she worked 3 jobs everyday to make ends meet, and how with every decision came the need to do what was right for us, even if not necessarily right for her.  I know everyone well most people will say they have the best mom in the world, but for me she was not the best only because she was my mom, but seeing other people and the way they are towards their moms or the way they are towards their children makes me all the more grateful for the woman who gave up her happiness to give me a chance at a bright future, a chance to have a better life. 

I don't consider myself unlucky or badly done by because my father is a loser.  I consider myself lucky because despite that my mom gave me everything I ever needed, and all that I could ask for.  My mother taught me about strength and determination, and unconditional love for your children.  No one is perfect, and this is true but my mother did her best and then tried to fly too.  She is still that amazing to me. because if you have it easy all the time, and you never have to deal with life's obstacles then how will you gain the knowledge much less the strength to get up time and again.  It's not the people who dont make a mistake who grow, its the people who make them and get up and learn from them.   My mom was never a victim, but she was a survivor to the very end, and I hope one day I can become as good a mom as she is.  There isn't enough pages on here to write about who my mother is and what she did for all her children, and how she will always be the most amazing woman to me.  I read a lot about strong women who had to overcome adverstities, but my mom well my mom is that and more, and so thank god for the day you were born Ma, because if it wasn't for you this world would not be a worthwhile place for me.

Ah Luna, my Natasha, my one true star. I write about you in most of my entries because I want to remember how in my once ordinary life came a shining bright star that still guides me everyday.   The more I write about my thoughts, my dreams, my ideas, my opinions, the more I begin to appreciate how lucky I am and how diverse my life has been.  I can honestly say I have seen more than most, and dealt with quite a lot of obstacles too, but I know there is still more to come.  All I know is that you Luna are my pure inspiration.  Being a mother is definitely a harder task than I ever imagined, its so unlike programming where there are instructions and books to guide you. So I am glad for having a daughter who is so smart that my job is not that hard at all.  You know that your daughter is someone very special when she can come up to you boldly and say "Mommy you totally rock" and on the other hand tell you to stop being childish when you act silly.   Luna what can I say?.... everyday of the 10 years that I have known you there was always a moment that made me smile and reminded me how lucky I am.  You will be the one person I will love more than anyone ever, for you just never cease to amaze me.  In your sweetness, and your unconditional love.  I am truly so very grateful to find that you are smarter than what I ever was when I was your age.

I can't explain my pride when I see your grades and how hard you work at everything you do. You were everything I wanted to be at that age.  I can't even believe you are 10 years old already.  It was just yesterday when I was teaching you how to speak, yet now you are the one reminding me that certain words must never be spoken.  It was only yesterday when I held out my hand as you walked towards me for the first time, yet here you are holding my hand when things are tough, re-assuring me that we will be ok.  I still remember at the age of 1, suffering from your colic, your head resting on my shoulders as I paced up and down at 3am in the morning, only to wake up at 6am to go to college, yet here you are now, climbing into my bed in the middle of the night to rest your head on my shoulders so that I will wake up to find you tucked safely in my arms, and its you who has to go to school this time.  The days when I would walk towards your crib, hold you and tell you that I love you, yet now here you are walking up to me while I work, to hug me and tell me how much you love me.  Time has changed a lot of what we do for one another, yet nothing has changed in reality, apart from I am more inlove with you now than I ever was before.  I now see my role in a clearer view, and I am now wiser for having you beside me.  I have learned more in this past year than in any of the other years, and that is because in times of trouble I find my family is right behind me, in my corner looking out for me always.  We never had that before.  This year I also learned that the love I was searching for was nothing compared to the love I already had in you Luna.  I had an incredible and fantastic love right here with you, and that is all I will ever need.

So to the two most influential female in my life.  Ma and Luna,

Happy Birthday!

Ah! Everyone knows I had one brother who died way back in 1994.  What they don't know is that my brother in law is like a real brother to me, always looking out for our family, and is one of the few men I admire for he happens to be loyal and understanding.  My sister is lucky for she found a real man who knows the value of family and has principles based on what's important, which is family.  It's true what they say, a good son is a good father and a good husband.  This is not suprising since his own father is a shining example on how fathers should be. 

I received two emails after my entry on fatherhood from two women who said they too had bad fathers, and their partners were bad fathers too.  They asked how I knew what a father must be.  My reply was simply you know what you don't have because as humans we sometimes take for granted the things that we have or are given to us so easily.  I see how good my brother in law is because I have not met a man who comes close, and if my father was as good, then maybe I would not have settled for second rate men, as my standards would have been higher.  I realized today that "What you show your child/children is what they deem to be real".  Therefore if you are a weak selfish mother/father, then you are in effect teaching your child how to be just that.  If you put up with a partner who abuses you and treats you bad, then you are teaching your child/children that its ok to be with someone like that. 

Wait, wait I got sidetracked.  I am writing this entry to wish my brother in law a Happy Birthday, as today was the day he was born.  So Koya as mentioned in my card.  There are very many special people in our family, but you are one of the rare few that mean so much to us, for you volunteered to be a part of our crazy, weird, but loving family.  So thank you for taking that risk, and thank you for showing me what a father must be and what a husband should be.  Thank you

I also want to ask those who read this to offer prayers and take the time to think about the people who died on September 11 and to their families who still have to cope with the loss of that terrible day.  May god bless them all.

My niece Hazel gave me a copy of this song.  It really made me cry.  It sums it all up really. Click here for the song.

Is there someone out there?  Can you hear me? Do you see me? I need to know if you are there?  Are you? Are you?.................................

Ah! alone again naturally......

I don't want to write today, can you post an entry for me?

I watched the film Love actually almost a week ago and to this very day it has stayed in my mind.  Being a romantic and a predictably soppy female.  I love these kinds of films.  Love really is all around. I have had a good week just observing. Today I took a walk and just watched.  Watch as old couples jogged together.  As mothers kissed their sons and daughters waving them off as they got on to bus to go to school and hugging them again in the afternoon as they got back. A man jogs with his dog every morning, and he carries only two things, water and treats for his dog.  A pregnant lady walks half a mile everyday to  the corner of our street, and when she gets to the bench, her husband is waiting for her with their dog and the water he was carrying for her.    

I smiled as I made my way towards the postbox .  I proudly listened to my friend while he told me about his boyfriend, and how he stood up to his parents and told them his true sexuality.  I watched as our neighbor, an old man waited for his son and his family to visit him again, sitting out there on the balcony of the old people's home waiting for them to share his day.  I wonder if they realized that whenever its visiting day, the man sits there from 8 in the morning till they finally pull up in their car.  He sits there waiting patiently.  It still makes me cry remembering how his face lights up as his grandkids run out of the car and into his arms.

I take my daughter to the school bus stop every morning, and every morning, as we both walk up I see a couple who never say anything to each other, they quietly walk out of their house and into their car, today I tried to watch them carefully for any sign that they love each other, and by sheer luck they were pulling out as we were about to walk past, they usually let us go pass but today Luna and I had plenty of time so we casually strolled along, so by the time we got to their drive they were already halfway out, and as I looked at them sitting there I noticed that they held hands in the car.  I felt almost intrusive to witness their private affection but it warmed my heart so. 

Love is all around, and its where you least expect to find it.  I know that because I every time I look into my daughters eyes I feel a love unlike any I have ever felt.  Everyday I look at her and realize how much I am loved for here I am blessed with the most wonderful gift in life.  Good night guys

If you look at your life, how would you choose to look at it.  I look at my life and see such diversity.  I see both sides and I have so many choices on how I can look at every aspect of it.  Here I am again with choices... such choices......

Choice 1 

I am having to comfort my daughter through the longing of a person who never seems to be consistent in her life, and I am angry at the least, yet I have a choice.  To let him affect me and make me bitter or I can focus on giving my daughter all that she needs all on my own. I choose to be her mother, father, and best friend instead.

Choice 2

My gym partner has turned out to be someone who cant be trusted.  She has let me down in more ways than one, and she managed to land me in more trouble than I care to mention, just by being lazy and being irresponsible.  I can sit here and feel sorry for myself or I can be grateful that I found out what she was like before I really trusted her.  I choose to be grateful.

Choice 3

I have a friend who means so much to me, we would talk for hours and hours and we really were the best of friends, yet now we rarely talk and when we do we end up fighting.  I now have a choice, to look at our friendship and walk away or stay and hold on to the way we were, to strive to make it work and try to resolve our differences, because the friendship we have is worth so much more. I choose to stay!

Choice 4

I am not where I want to be.  Everything that I thought I could make happen is not falling into place.  Things are going wrong and I am not using my full potential, my career is not where I know it can be, and its out of my control because I am controlled by this country I now seek to be a citizen of.  I can go back to London and give up or I can keep going and claim the citizenship that is rightfully mine, hold on and work harder, and never give up for what I believe in. I choose to not give up.

Choice 5

I once met a man name Jack (a brilliant lyricist) and we were friends more than anything, he had a world that was so far from me, and time spent with him was unlike any I had ever known, he was one of the few people who never asked me for anything ever.  He was always giving, in every way he could, and he respected me, treated me like a lady, he opened my eyes to so much of the world, and shared with me both the good and bad in his life.  I was blind because I was stuck in finding out mundane details about him when he was sharing with me the deepest parts of his soul.  I am sorry to say that I made the wrong choice when I let my ex bf ruin my friendship with Jack, because my ex was too insecure to let me be friends with him.  Now I fear he has left my life for good, and I miss him so much.  Still I have a choice.  I can get angry at myself which wont help or I can wait for him to one day come back, and remember that friends should never be given up so easily.

Choice 6

I have another friend who is so similar to me its like we are twins, we vowed to be friends no matter what happens, yet now he has a gf and to cut a long story short, our friendship has to be sacrificed in order to make it work, and so I have a choice to get angry at him for not valuing our friendship, to get angry at her for being so insecure, or to accept it and wish him luck, and pray that they will forever happy, because being a friend means acceptance, and understanding.  So "NERO" goodbye and good luck to you, and thank you for the most trouble free friendship I have ever known, to the most kindest and understanding person I have ever met.  I wish you nothing but pure bliss and a life to be envious of.

Choice 7

I feel like people are letting me down left, right and center, and it seems like no one is true to their word, living in Cali im not sheltered from others the way I was in London.  In London I had so many friends, and they were like brothers and sisters to me, who looked out for me, we all helped each other and looked after each other.  There was never a time I was ill or I needed help that my friends didn't come.  So far I feel that here most people look out for themself, and they will only be your friend while they need you, after that they forget about you.  Still I have a choice, and I can choose to stay friends with these kind of people or walk away.  I choose to walk away.  Real friends will think of you too and not only themselves.  I will no longer put up with selfish friends who think of no one but themselves.

There are so many more but that pretty much sums it all up for me.  Choice is something we all have, even when we say "We have no choice" there is and always will be a choice, for within us lies the decision on how we deal with every obstacle in our life, within us lies the strength to make it all work, the wisdom to pick the right action, the right words, the right answer.  They say I'm too naive, and I am too positive, and I always trust people too easily and then they take advantage of me, and I shouldn't believe so easily.  When things go wrong in your life and you feel like being sorry for yourself, look within and find the strength that kept you going before, that little something within you that got you through the toughest time way back when.  It's within you.  CHOOSE to be happier, CHOOSE to be better, CHOOSE to be stronger, CHOOSE to be all that you can be, and CHOOSE to remember that within you lies all that you will ever need in order to be happy, in order to live a fulfilled life. 

When you have had the worst day of your life, and you just dont think it will get better, and you are about to give up, remember that no matter what happens, its up to you how you react, how you choose to handle it. Like the night that never ends, and you can either sit and worry about how dark it is or you can comfort yourself with the fact that it will be morning soon enough.  So when its dark and you cant find your way through choose to believe, and remind yourself. "Here comes the sun."

Today was a day that I want to remember.  It was quiet and simple, yet remarkable.  I spent it doing things I had not done in a while, and it felt great to just read casually, talk to friends without concept of time.  Sit in the garden and reminisce of days gone by.  Who would have thought standing in the middle of the garden getting drenched would feel so uplifting.  It was only days before when I did that with Luna, but today I just stood there on my own, like a child with no inhibitions, just trying to be free and enjoying each drop of water as it landed softly on my skin.  It reminded me of days back in the Philippines when I would stand outside in the rain, as if the water could cleanse me of everything I ever felt and everything I wanted to forget.  I just stood there pointed the hose up, squeezed the lever and I looked up to watch which way the wind was going and pointed it just right so little droplets of water would fall unto me, then I closed my eyes and I could feel each drop, and together the water and the wind cooled my skin against the humid sun.  It was breathtaking. For that moment I forgot my deadlines, my new businesses, and everything else that was on my mind.  I was immersed into the moment, into the water.  All I could think about afterwards was Francesca.

At the age 20 I worked with a woman called Francesca and she was only 7 years older than me but she was awesome.  She was a woman who was so in touch with her feelings and at first she scared me with the way she used to touch me.  I almost felt as if she was bisexual and since I was not into women, that worried me, as I valued her friendship and I did not want to lose her by telling her uhmm I'm not interested. So I would spend time with her and I would talk of men and I must have been so obvious, that one day she said "Just let me be your friend I am not a threat to you"  PHEW!! After that I relaxed a bit more and she began teaching me about the joy that sensuality brings.  She just saw things so differently than I ever could.  I remember one day we were at a picnic with 4 other friends and we had all finished eating and she was still eating, and one girl said "Fran you eat so little, yet you always finish last"  I had never noticed before, but when I think back I remembered that yeah she does, as in with everything she does, she takes her time, almost as if she had no concept of time.  So on the way home I asked her if she even realized that she was like that, to which she replied "My dear I live to be like that".  Puzzled I look at her, and she took my hand and told me to come back home with her.  I was thinking its almost 6 I had just finished work and I am tired, but I thought ok.

When we got to her house it was different from what I imagined.  It was serene, and so peaceful, and everything was placed in the weirdest way, yet it was inviting and homely.  She sat down on the floor and she asked me to do the same, then she asked me to close my eyes, bear in mind I've known her for a year, and I do trust her, so I close my eyes, and she asks me what do I see.  I open my eyes and reply "are you taking the piss?" She said close your eyes and tell me what you see? So I tell her "I see nothing my eyes are closed" She held my hand and whispered to me, to look pass the darkness and into my mind, at the age of 20 that was freaky, but then she added "You see only when you can open your mind for it is then that your vision embraces clarity." So I search deep within me to find a vision, and lo and behold I can see such clear visions, at first it was my memories of childhood, both good and bad, and then as she kept whispering to me, she guided me towards my own imagination, my own dreams, and desires.  I remembered opening my eyes and realizing this was something I would always want in my life, as it gave me focus. Hence my interest in meditation.

Days after that were even better, for she had taken to teaching me about her world.  She taught me the sensuality that a woman must exude.  She showed me the delight in taking my time in what I do.  I can still taste the strawberries to this very day.  I can still remember her coming over to me and offering me a strawberry, and I just took it said thank you and ate it, then she gave me another one and she said "Now taste it" I said "I can, its nice!" (geez I was young and naive). So she says "Close your eyes and then slowly bite it, savour its flavor and let its sweetness melt into your mouth, feel it as it touches your tongue, and then let its scent fill your senses". I looked at her as if to say "Are you kidding me? Its just a strawberry".  I did as she asked though, coz she was always so good at persuasion, and sure enough for the first time I really tasted a strawberry. For months after that everything I ate I tasted!.  Everything I did I took my time, and tried to really feel.  I was missing out on a lot of things, like the sheer joy of satin sheets against bare skin, the illuminating light of the morning sun. She was awesome I tell yah!

She was so sensual in her own right and I loved that about her, she was so in tune with her feminine side, and she was so amazing to me, that I wanted to learn everything about her.  She was like a life coach to me, and she taught me things about men that I never knew, and yes she was 100% heterosexual.  I used to just listen to hear everyday at work as she told me about lover after lover and how each one had different talent.  She was uninhibited but she played safe, and being Asian that was hard for me comprehend.  I was brought up in a really strict religious family, and being sexually promiscuous would be the ultimate taboo, so it was hard for me to understand her since I was still young and lacked both experience and wisdom, but I respected her enough to just listen, after all I find listening has taught me so much in the past. Cut a long story short as this entry is turning out to be a novel yet again.  Francesca and I remained friends long after I left that job, but its been almost 3 years since I last spoke to her, yet when I look back at my life after meeting her, one thing is clear to me, she really made an impact on my life.  She had left her mark on me. Today I remembered how to enjoy each moment again, how to savour each aspect and how to let go and feel again.  Thanks Fran, you really are a Goddess.

So today as you go about your business, as you sit on that chair, and hold that mouse in the palm of your hands, busy scrolling on this page, let your own fingers feel the softness of its contour, feel it, as in be aware of everything that your body touches, feel how your clothes caress your body, feel how the wind lands gently upon your skin, when you drink anything feel the glass against your lips, as the liquid touches your tongue, and quenches your thirst, and as you prepare to sleep tonight, just as you lay your head on the pillow, feel it cushion your head, feel the bed as it moulds itself to your body, and the cover as it wraps itself around you, and close your eyes and remember "What a wonderful world........"

I was told I write really long entries, not that I ever conform but just to show consideration I will make an exception today and limit my entry to only  60 words and so uhmmm here is my latest one which sums up all that I truly feel today.

 

I would like to think I am a friendly person, and I do try to give people my time, but I am a little wary of certain people, and now I know why.  I have a myspace account, and I rarely go there, as I find most of the people whose profile I've looked at are fakes, either too good to be true, or love themselves more than is humanly decent to.  So I leave my profile as a simple page, and I don't pay anymore attention to it.  In the beginning of August I get a message from some guy called Dennis and he had a really cute picture of him and his little girl, so I thought ok I will add him as a friend, since he seems like a nice person. So I pay no attention to it, as I am unlelievably busy at work, and with the rest of my friends going through some tragedy I am giving all my time to them.  So time passes and he adds me on yahoo, and I chat with him, just everyday how are you, and im good, was at the gym, blah blah.  So he says he wants to meet me, something about my smile blah! blah! I told him I am really busy which is the honest to god truth, and he gives me his cellphone, his home number and his address. I'm thinking OhhhhhK!  I just brushed it off, and thought maybe he is just really open and honest and wanting to be friends. 

I told him.  I'm not able to meet him as I am so busy with work, and he leaves offlines telling me I hide behind my computer and the gym and I am scared!!! I think oooh this guy is a little too blatant to be my friend.  So I ignore his messages and I dont reply mainly because I have nothing to say to him, and he was starting to worry me.  I thought the best way was to not encourage him.  Today I was ill much like yesterday, because I had overtrained myself, so I was in no state to go anywhere anyway, not that I owe anyone else my time.  So I feel sorry for him for sending so many messages, that I leave him a message telling him hey I'm sorry I never got to reply to your messages, as I am ill, and I was resting. 

He sends me numerous messages and tells me I'm too dramatic LOL! I thought Oh Dear!  He then proceeds to tell me that because I go to the gym I should never be ill, and that statement still makes me laugh since it was actually overtraining in the gym that got me in this state.  The messages continue even when I ignore him.  I decided the best way was to be honest and tell him I find him sarcastic and I dont want to be friends with him, as I am too sensitive, and we would not get along. OMG! that was when he went ballistic, insulting me and cursing me as in telling I am a liar, phony!! LMAO! Well who knew huh?

So it doesn't end there he then sends me a message on myspace cursing me and telling me I am crazy dumb *&%$  &#%^$@  LOL! Then he post a comment about me telling everyone to watch out for me, wait would that be the 30 people who added me, both male and female, and the 30 people who were already my friends who've spent time with me, and most of whom know me better than anyone LOL! Rather funny since his friends are all women whom he had never met, and I pray for their sake he never will.  It just gets better and better, because when I search further into his profile I find he had done this to others, as in there are many people whom he has harrased and I guess his ego just cant take NO as an answer, to the point where he was really abusing them and harrasing them and publishing their phone numbers!  All that is left to say is that if you think someone is weird, go with your first impression, if they look psychotic, they act psychotic, they sound psychotic, and they talk like a psychotic, then it stands to reason they are psychotic.  Not schizophrenic, or a little weird, Psychotic! What really scares me is he said his little girl doesn't live with him even though her mom is dead, she lives with her grandma for medical reasons, now I'm wondering is it coz of her dad's medical reasons?   I don't know I just feel sorry for the little girl, she was so cute too. Oh! well I'm sure that is not the end of the weirdo, but to be honest he does not know where I live, whereas he gave me his address, so stands to reason if there was anyone dumb it would not be me.

So today I am grateful I did not give any of my details to this person and that I listened to my instinct, so to everyone out there as naive and trusting as me, please be careful, because there is a schizo out there when you least expect it.  Not everyone is as they seem on the internet.  I had to find that out the hard way in the past 6 years.  Remember that its easy to pretend to be someone else, and dont put yourself at risk, especially the women out there, don't ever give your address, or telephone number so easily.