The first time I love forever......

I wonder about love and life a lot, maybe a lot more than most.  I sometimes think I may never see it come into reality.  When its there in your heart, it fills your very being, and each time I feel it, its different, almost like a chapter in an endless fascinating book that flickers every string in my heart.  I listen this song and it envelopes me, it re-assures me that real love is out there, and that one day my dreams will come true, and one day my reality will come into fruition.  One day I will see you, and one day I will wake up and forever was already there standing next to me, holding my hand and confirming that you are the one, you are all I can ever wish for.  That despite the distance, despite the longing, despite the wishing, despite it all there is you and me. My Griffin!

I am amazed at the attention that I get and it can be flattering to find the emails and the text messages and the voicemails, not to mention the IMs, but still I long for you, still I search for you, at times I begin to wonder if I am being reasonable, and I am being real to myself, but then I hear that voice inside me and it all comes back to me, the strength is here again, my heart refills with love again.  I am inlove with you again. So many men, so many potential, so many hearts, and as time goes by some fade, and still I think of you and I know that no one can compare to the honesty, as in pure honesty, that you show me.  I wonder where you are now.  I wonder what will happen now, is love really able to blossom in absence, yes if its pure and true. I have to believe that. I have to know that in this world where nothing is certain or secure, there is you and there is me, and the love story that we could be. 

I often talk to couples who have been together all their lives, because being the romantic I am. I want to learn the secret, the answer to their long lasting love, and the one thing they all say to me is that, the reason they lasted so long is because they really loved each other, as in they both work on being together and making it work, its a partnership based on a true understanding of each other, and acceptance of one another.  So then its Acceptance, Respect, Trust, Selfless Consideration and Understanding that both parties have to have for each other.  I have met so many people who talk about honesty, and how its important to them, yet they live their lives in lies, lying to themselves and to others, so here I am trying hard to be honest to myself and to you.  I am scared too sometimes.  I am tempted to take the easy way out sometimes, and I am worried too that it will all fade sometimes.  I am faced with so many decisions too sometimes, but more than anything I miss you most times.  I just miss you.  I miss you My Love.

Thanks to Ronny for this questionnaire

Questions! Questions!

01. Do you like having your picture taken?: No, but I have a lot of pictures, 2000 and counting. I tend to never show them to anyone as I take them for me and for Luna.

02. Have you ever done a photo shoot, professional or non?: I was once asked to do a photo test for a modelling company in London, but I was 2 months pregnant so that was a none starter!, still I saw some of the shots. Looking good if I do say so. I wonder what happened to that sexy chick, she left along with Ms Confidence I guess.

03. If you could go anywhere in the world where would you go and why? I want to visit Egypt.

04. Who would you take with you on this little adventure?I would take Luna. I want to teach her so much about the world, its wonders and its beauty

05. What would you say is the most daring thing to do in a lifetime? To love unconditionally and without question is the most daring, yet liberating thing I've ever done.

06. Would you ever do that? Yes. I have and will continue to try.

07. Have you ever done crossword puzzles? I used to when I was young <<-- self confessed nerd/geek.

08. Ever actually completed one?: YES and yes and uhmm UHUH!

09. Pick up the closest book and write a sentence at random from it: 'Your sensual body is an external wellspring of pleasure' -->taken from School of womanly arts book

10. Do the same with a lyric from either a cd or the radio:

'The first time I loved forever, was when you whispered my name, and I knew at once you loved me, for the me of who I am"--> taken from the song The first time I loved forever = Beauty and the Beast TV series soundtrack.

11. Have you ever tried to analyze your own dreams? No my dreams are wild, sad, weird, and different, and they don't need analyzing

12. Would you put up posters in your room? Yep I would put them next to my Britney Spears poster and doll set What the....??? Yeah ok!

13. Can you sing? Yes, can you?

14. Do you ever sing to yourself while doing everyday tasks? I dance when I do task? I have to have music all the time, but I dance and sing YES

15. What's your favorite color of post-it note? Lilac

16. How many cassette tapes do you own?: Probably about None I left them all in London. I have them all on CD's anyway.

17. How many CDs do you own?: If I had to estimate about 400, but I have at least 70 Gb of songs in one hard drive.

18. Ever bought a CD for just one song?: Yes

19. What would your perfect day consist of? To wake up in the arms of the man I love, sit together and have breakfast with our children, walk along the beach as a family, watch a movie together as a family, laugh and play and enjoy the day together, then at night after tucking our children in bed. I would want to sleep in his arms only to wake the next day more inlove with him and grateful for our life together.

20. Have you ever lied to get off the phone or out of talking to someone online? No! If I have to go I say I have to go, part of online etiquette is knowing that everyone has a life offline.

21. Have you ever written a survey?:Yes, back in high school!

22. How about a song? I once wrote lyrics for Daimos, a talented lyricist, but no one ever saw it.

23. Are you in love? With life? yes, with Luna? most definitely, with a man? You are too nosey, did you know that?

24. Is your vcr flashing 12:00 all the time? No I have no VCR. DVD and uhmm DVD only thanks.

25. Do you read your horoscope? Yes! I read it sometimes.

26. If so, do you base your day on it? UHUH! I really think that I will find something interesting and the man of my life I will meet today. Psyche!

27. Would you rather chew gum or use mouthwash and why?: Both. I chew gum when I am working out, it helps me concentrate and focus, and I use mouthwash at night

28. Do you floss?: Yes, do you breath?

29. Are you addicted to napster like me? No I use Bearshare Pro, fast and realible and no porn, LOL!

30. How many times a year about are you sick?: Never. I am always well behaved even when I am naughty, wait wait did I get that question wrong?

31. Ever been in an airplane? Yes, but never in the mile high club.

32. If so where were you flying to? Spain, Philippines, France, Hongkong, Abu Dhabi, and in my dreams Seychelles!

33. What radio station to you listen to most?: Radio Romance, yes and I am that predictable!

34. What color are your shoes?:I dont wear shoes. We live in the hills and I walk barefoot LMAO!

35. Was fuzzy wuzzy a bear? If you don't know that, you never will.

36. Do you know how to play dominos? Yes! But only when I am really excited!

37. Or do you think I just mean pizza by that?: No! really? You don't say? So sarcasm isn't your forte then?

38. Speaking of pizza, what's your favorite topping? Pepperoni, coz I have no choice it's Luna's favorite

39. What color are your eyes? Come and have a look. OK! OK! They are dark brown with a hint of sparkle KACHINNGGGG!

40. How many surveys have you filled out this lifetime? I don't know, but I hate them, maybe you couldn't tell.

41. Describe your bedroom, include all details: Would you like pictures too? I can describe my bedroom in London better, its lilac with a dark purple centerpiece. I have a black metal QUEEN size bed. I also have words on my walls, but they are in Japanese, and they are motivational phrases. I have a my workout bench on one corner with my weights and my elliptical. the ceiling has a net centerpiece that floats down on to the bed, yes I am girly, and yes I took an interior design course just for fun. I love decorating. I love lilac, and I love that room.

42. Name one person your life is made better by? Luna.

43. Would you or have you ever shaven your head? Why yes of course, but that would be after I shave yours!

44. How about someone else's? Ah.... see above question LOL!

45. Can you do math with ease? Yeah, being asian means no calculators, we use our hands and feet, and uhhhm our friends hands and feet. No I rarely use calculators I love Maths <---- hence I call myself a GEEK!

46. What size is your computer screen? This one is 19 inch, with a Pentium 4 3200 200Gg hard drive with ATI graphics card and a soundblaster Audigy platinum soundcard, and yes I am showing off.

47. If you could only talk to one person online who would that be? Babyface, has touched my life so much, with his lyrics and his passion and romantic tendencies. I know I could learn a lot. I once met a brilliant lyricist, and he taught me so much about life. I miss you Daimos.

48. Name your favorite type of music and why? R&B, Zen, and Dance. I listen to R&B coz its deep and the melody soothes me. Dance is when I am trying to hook a routine, and Zen is for when I am relaxing or meditating.

49. Are you a vegetarian? No. I think that meat is an important part of a healthy balanced diet, protein from nuts and pulses and grains is over rated.

50. How about an aspiring actress? I can't take this anymore, why do you feel the need to ask me that? Why? Oh! why? *Looks away* Please leave me you've said enough! Enough please, no more......Will that win an Oscar do you think? Thought Not! Oh well back to programming then.

51. What famous person dead or alive would you interview if you had the chance? Marilyn Monroe. I want to ask her how she fitted that butt into that white dress and many more inspiring questions.

52. Which movie can you watch and say the lines along with the actresses? Sweet November. I love that movie, like no other! I love that movie!!!

53. Name one your passions in life? Dancing. I can dance from morning till night. It frees me, and unleashes the creativity in my mind. Once I close my eyes and I feel the beat, there is no one else in the room, its just me, and the music. My body forgets everything and everyone. I would rather dance than do most things. Yes including what you are thinking now! Shame on you for thinking so!

54. What's your least favorite time of day? I have none. The day is always a blessing to me, some of us don't have much time on this earth, be grateful for what time god has given you and continues to give to you

55. Who's your favorite member in a band, and why? I like TLC, and my fave happens to be Left Eye, she is so beautiful to me, and she is so talented too. Shame she died, what a loss to the industry and to the world.

56. Do you use hairspray or gel?:I use none, my hair is soft and shiny all on its own. I'm kidding I use Biosilk serum, thanks to Ihrene who shared her secret for her beautiful hair. Love yah Chika!

57. Describe your favorite meal: As long as its shared and I am there with the person I love, its not the meal for me, its the company.

58. What color is the inside of your head when you close your eyes? White with a hint of lilac --> purity with a hint of color just like my personality.

59. Ever listen to classical music?: Yes when I meditate, or when I do certain work. I love Bach! and Chopin, coz Luna can play his songs on the piano and it reminds me of her.

60. Have you ever said lol in real life without thinking about it? No. I've said LMAO though! what the?????

61. Do you find you use internet language when writing notes irl?: Nope I rarely use abbreviations, as I feel that written words are not as expressive as spoken ones, so abbreviations lead to further confusion.

62. What songs would be on your ideal cd? I believe by Yolanda Adams. I don't need you to tell me I'm beautiful by Samantha Mumba, Video by India Arie, The first time I love forever by Melanie Safka.

63. Say one thing you've learned today? I've learnt that one persons words can really touch your heart and lift you up, just when you least expect it. Thank you Steve

64. What is the best present you've ever had ? September 14th when my daughter was born on my mom's birthday, that was the best gift/day of my life so far.

65. What is the best present I gave? I give my time, my attention, my heart, my soul and my all to the people I love, its the best present I could ask for so I try to give that to others

66. So hey, what's your full name? Nataly Montano Deherrera

67. Describe yourself while drunk? I don't get drunk. I can sit and drink as much Tequilla as anyone, straight no lemon, no salt! I was trained by the best. My friends in London were mostly older than me, and while their wives taught me about married life, the husbands taught me how to drink with the best! To my brothers and sisters in London. MISS YOU! Muahx kuya Alino and ate Arlene, you guys more than most.

68. How big are the windows in your house? They are big, but smaller than the curtains, duh can this question be more spastic!

69. Do you wear a watch? Nope I wear no jewelry. I am the only one in our family who doesn't like jewelry. I like to be natural, in makeup, in clothes, and in my body. Natural is more beautiful to me, no false accessories to make you feel pretty.

70. What's the kinkiest thing you've ever done with someone else? Uhhhmm I once set up my boyfriend in a club for his birthday, he said he had never had a lap dance so I took him to a club my friend Lyn worked at. (LYN I know you will remember this!) I arranged for a dancer to seduce him and take him in the back, then once in the back she was to blindfold him. After he was blindfolded I took over, and at first he was really hesitant, but then he got really enthusiastic. I thought hhhhmmm he is too enthusiastic, until amidst all his whispers and moans he said with a smile "Nat I will never forget your perfume" And no I wont tell you what happened next.

71. What's the largest age difference between you and someone you've dated? *grin* 12 years older. Yeah! yeah! I didn't know, and don't judge me LOL!

72. How many mirrors do you have? One full body mirror, and two small compact ones.

73. Write one sentence stating what you want people to say about you after you've passed on? "She was there for me, and she never gave up, she was the one person I could count on, and the one person who loved me more than anyone, and Damn she was sexy too!"

74. Have you ever sailed? Yes while in London I was in a religious group that went to Lourdes, France every year in the summer. To get there we had to go on a ferry there and back of course. I don't get seasick, even when I was young I used to go fishing with my stepfather.

75. How fast can you run? Depends who is running after me, or what I am running from.

76. What do you believe in? I believe in God, in Jesus, in true love, in reincarnation, in peace, in equality, in hope, in life, and in people. I believe and that is all there is to it really!

77. How long does it take you to get ready to go out? to go to the gym about 20 mins, to go out to a club which I haven't done for months takes me about 45 mins.

78. Do you shower daily? I shower everyday after the gym, steam room, and then swim, then shower. Fresh and clean baby!

79. What one thing would you change in your life if you had the power to do so? I wouldn't change anything for me, maybe for the people in my life. I would want them to be financially secure and without illness, to be happy, and content with what they have.

80. Describe the ideal superpower and what you would do if you had it? The power to defend those who can't stand up for themselves. I want to be able to kick more ass, anyone who would intentionallly hurt another raises my blood to boiling point.

81. Are candles romantic or a fire hazard?: Romantic, and relaxing for me.

82. Name something you've done in the last 24hrs no matter how big or small:

I broke my own limits in the gym, as in 30 mins intense cardio, and lower body at 300lbs leg presses, 130lbs benchpress. I created my first flash intro for a dear friend's birthday. I finished the lyrics for a song I was working on since last month. It's called "You ask too many questions, but its OK!" I'm just kidding it's called "Beauty".

83. Do you wear necklaces, bracelet or rings.? NO jewelry, that would be none, NADA, and uhhmm WALA!

84. What colors are you wearing right now?: I have jewelry that people have given me, but I don't wear them. I prefer Silver or White gold.

85. How often do you change the sheets on your bed? Every week.

86. Have you ever gotten lost? I am lost most mornings, but that only last 10 mins, then I am good to go.

87. What's on your computer desk?: Monitor, Cordless keyboard and mouse, my cell phone, computer books, hundreds of CD's, DVD's, 2 speakers and a subwoofer, microphone, family pictures, pictures of Anawara, my bestfriend, and pictures that Luna drew or painted and a pot that my niece hazel gave to me.

88. How many folders are on your desktop at the present moment? 9 My Documents, Languages, Music, Exercise, Pictures, Singing, Family files, Zeliah, and Xtra.

89. When your talking do you ever use your hands to do quotation marks in the air when saying certain words? let me think uhhmmm definitely NO!

90. Which landmark would you climb if you could? I used to climb mountains a lot. I love walking and hiking. I want to climb The rice terraces in the Philippines, thats a wonder of the world I haven't seen.

91. Do you own or have you read, or thought of reading any self-help books? I own a few self help books. I love to learn and I like to read about people's opinions then make up my own mind.

92. Ever seriously questioned your sanity? All the time! It keeps me humble, they say that borderline geniuses are borderline psychotic, because with wisdom comes realization of life and its grim truths.

93. Can you breakdance? Actually yeah, but that was when I was 15.

94. What's in your fridge right now?: Carborite, Advantage and Myoplex shakes. Non fat milk, apples, oranges, water, a lot of vegetables, some cheese, and some salad dressings, a lot more but I dont eat the rest, so it wont tell you anything about me.

95. How many people do you live with?: I don't know let me find out. Would you like my address too?

96. Have you or would you ever do anything more than kiss in a public area? Uhhmm Lets see I'm very affectionate, and I am the kind of person that likes to see you squirm or watch you sweat in anticipation, does that answer your question?

97. What is the strangest thing you've ever done? At the age of 13 on a school exchange trip to Spain, my teacher thought I had drowned while swimming, because I didn't come up for air for about 20 mins. When she finally dived in, she found me sharing an air tank with a scuba diver who was studying a colony of sea horses. I was hooked, and she was kind enough to share her air with me so I could watch them. I want to do that again, watch sea horses I mean. What was strange was they thought I was loopy, coz she could have had some disease apparently, but to me the lesson and the opportunity was too great to miss. *BOW*

98. Name an instrument you've never played but would like to? Saxophone, that is what I want to learn next!

99. Have you ever been on tv or the radio? Yep did you see it? I was on the Twilight Zone. LOL! Guess which one!

100. What is the worst thing anyone could ever do to you?: Lie to me, or cheat on me because I value honesty. I tend to trust very easily, as in wholeheartedly but if you take my trust for granted, then you lose it.

101. Are you a fast typer? I have to be. I talk a lot and so my fingers have to compensate, plus I'm a programmer and it comes with the job.

102. How high have you counted before getting bored? I uhhhmmm DUH I dan naw!

103. Describe how you sleep? I lie on my chest, with my face resting on my arms, facing sideways and one leg raised by my side (geez a picture would be easier)

104. Are you straight, bi, gay? I'm not gay or bisexual, but thanks for asking! I am straight.

105. Do you ever do something else while on the computer? I plot to take over the world LOL! I rule a minute country in Mars and well in my spare time I navigate alien lifeforms to their original galaxy!

106. What is the most expensive thing you own? My intellect. my Integrity, and my beliefs, they are all priceless to me

107. How about the least expensive? This questionnaire?

108. What's your favorite card game to play? Poker!

109. What do you do online? I download hack software and terorize innocent nerds. I also work as a programmer, and work on my site, help my friends with theirs and surf to learn, learn and learn some more.

110. Name some stores you've bought clothes in before? Dollar Stores LOL! and uhhhmmm in London, Oxfam shops!

111. Have you ever read a book and not understood it? I am too obssesive I would never put a book down until I understood it.

112. Have you ever watched a movie and not understood it? No. But there are plenty that I didn't want to understand.

113. Do people pick up your slang language more than you pick up theres? You mean like theirs or there's LMAO! PRICELESS.

114. Are you easily influenced by other people, or current trends? No I am too stubborn to follow. I have a mind and I use it so I dont lose it.

115. What makes you unique in your own opinion? We are all unique, there isn't any two people who are the same anywhere in this world, EVER!

116. Name your worst quality? I can be very naive and trusting, and I am forgiving, but my wrath is dangerous and volatile, in other words if you make me mad on purpose, and you keep pushing my patience to the limits, then you better run, I mean you better run faster than me.

117. Name your best? I am caring, affectionate, a survivor, realiable, sweet, thoughtful, opinionated, resilient, determined, and strong!

118. What would you like to do with your life? I want to achieve so much, but my first priority is to make sure my daughter is and will be the best that she can be. I want her to achieve all her dreams, and to never stop setting new goals for herself.

119. Do you blowdry your hair? Wow! the questions just got deeper and deeper huh! No I don't blowdry my hair anymore.

120. How many clocks are in your house? Like I said deeper and deeper! I don't count clocks that would be schitzo behaviour

121. Are they all set on the same time? Did you think these questions up all by yourself?

122. Have you ever intentionally set a clock ahead or behind the actual time? My sanity is now leaving the building....I think its following your life out there into the open road, to run themselves over.

123. What do you think about when you first wake up in the morning? Never to do anymore questionnaires like this!

124. Which browser do you use? Internet Explorer 6. (SAVE ME SOMEONE PLS!)

125. Do you bite your nails? No, coz now I bite my toenails! wtf! (I am dying here! The torture is immense)

126. Would you ever leave little notes to your bf?: I leave notes to Luna, and I hide notes in weird places and watch her open them, it was her idea, she was the first one to start it, and its been an ongoing thing with the two of us. I love finding her notes. She saw me doing this questionnaire and she wrote this soon after. This recent one read....

"Who would you consider special in your life? My mum because she gave me the gift of life and she was there when I needed her, she taught me how to be strong and how to be a good person. She encourages me to do my best and even if I dont she is still proud. All these reasons and she loves me!!"

I am you know! I am so proud! I am so lucky!

127. Ever been to a farm? Welcome back stupid questions!

128. Tell me about your dream last night? I didn't dream last night I was too busy working and slept only 4 hours, and I dont dream very often.

129. Ever seen a shooting star? I saw a shooting star twice so far, and I wished on both too.

130. Say one thing about yourself you've never told anyone? I am a work in progress!

131. Do your days fly by or seem to last forever? My days are fast, but I am working on that.

132. Have you ever stayed in a fancy high class rich hotel? and this would tell you what about me exactly?

133. Have you ever stayed in a rent-by-the-hour motel? LOL! no but I am guessing you have huh!

134.What kiss turns you on..? The one that comes from a man who I love and loves me. Altogether now! Aaawwwww...

135. When they start sending rockets to the moon for us civilians, will you be on the list to go? I guess I will answer that when and if it happens.

136. How are you feeling right now? I was happy, energetic and content, till I started this questionnaire.

137. Have you ever written anything on your skin? LOL! yep I saw the most beautiful poem on the train once, and I couldn't find a paper and a pen, but I had my lip liner, so I wrote on my hand, my arm, then I raised my trousers and wrote on my legs, people on the train just looked at me. I am passionate about art, what can I tell you!

138. do you wear shorts..? NOPE I wear briefs LMAO!

139. Which website do you frequent most often? I go to www.dailyzen.com, and www.bfl.com a lot, as in a lot!

140. What color is most of your clothes? Purple, Lilac, and Black.

141. Do you own any plants? I own none here, well in London I have about 10.

142. Are things as bad as they seem? NO! You always have something to be thankful for if you really look within you.

143. Descibe the nicest thing anyone has ever done for you? Anawara is the one friend who I will never forget, she will turn the world upside down for a friend, and so she is the one woman who I love like no other friend. She once sat with me to finish six months of assignments coz I lost my portfolio on a bus. I will never forget her for that.

144. Ever looked directly at the sun? NO and that is the reason im not blind. Oh stupidity please leave now!

145. Have you ever made a pin hole camera to watch the eclipse? Stupidity is here to stay I fear!

146. What's your favorite cereal? Kelloggs K and Nestle Nut Clusters.

147. Who do you miss?:I miss anyone who has become a part of my life and is too far away to hug now. I miss Anawara, and my Aunt Evelyn. I miss my mom so much since she is so far away, and I miss you! yep you! Thank you for the hard drive message today.

148. Name something you just can't forget no matter how hard you try? I can't seem to forget the lessons other people have taught me, and I am forever grateful for that ability.

149. Describe the worst fight you've ever been in whether physical or verbal? I once hit a girl so hard she passed out. She was always racist to me, and I let it pass, but she made a racist remark about my mom, and she saw stars in the middle of the day. I know she will always remember me standing over her, with my fist in her face. I am a little protective of my family like that. So take note!!!

150. Say something else about yourself you've never told anyone before? I am a lady on the street and a fr...........

151. SAY SOMETHING REALLY HOT AND SEXY..."I'm every woman. It's all in me, anything you want done baby I do it naturally!"

Tell Me No!

 

Here comes the stubborn in me, growing horns, telling myself "Watch me now!" Go on say No! Go on tell me I cannot.  I will you know. I will! You can kiss my..  I will.  I can do anything and nothing will stop me.  Nothing!  Do you hear me? Do you HEAR me???????

I will squash any self doubt and any negative idea you can throw, so go on give it your best shot! Go on. Show me what you've got. Tell me what you think you know, and say who you think I am.  You don't know me, no one does!! No one knows me more than I know myself, so just when you think you got me figured out.  I pull through and you are left with your mouth open and your head spinning.  Come on, what are you waiting for.  Judge me, feel free! I will just laugh at you.  I hate that you constantly have so many bad things to say.  I hate that you think you know it all! I hate that you believe you can tell me NO!  I hate that you hope I will listen, I hate that you still come when I told you to get lost a long time ago.  Are you deaf? Get lost! Go away! Go on Shooo! On your bike!  You can't tell me NO! I believe in me.  I believe in others too, and nothing you can do can stop me from believing. 

Yes I know long distance things are complicated, and yes I am scared I might get hurt, and yes I am tired, and yes I believe that my friends are important whether female or male, and yes I am LOYAL! 1000%, and yes I love one man only and yes I know this BFL competition is hard, and yes I have to make 24 hours into 25 just to finish everything, and SO! SO! Go on what else are you going to whine about, what else are you going to complain about. Come on while you are on a roll, speak up, wouldn't want you to choke on all that BS you keep dishing out. Well? What? What huh?  Had enough now? Are you giving up? Well are you? HAH! I thought so. So step off, and dont come back I hate you anyway.

And with that I closed the door on Ms Self Doubt! She always makes me so angry! So how about you? What are you going to do when she/he comes to see you HUH?

Lyrics for the song is HERE!

How are you?

So its been a while huh? Yep its been so long.  How are you?  No I mean how are you really? I'm serious how are you, as in give me details? I really want to know how your life has been since we last spoke? 

We always say how are you to each other and we always say "I'm good", "I'm great", "not so bad", "not so good", but how many of us mean it? how many of us really want to know what is going on with the person we just asked? How many of us really care enough to sit and listen, to find out whether they really are having a good time.  Our lives are so busy we forget to touch each others hearts even for a moment.  I read from Tony's site that the simplest of things really can make a difference to even a stranger.  If you see an old friend or even a relative, you immediately hug and (kiss on the cheek if you are female!) ask HOW ARE YOU? And more than likely you expect them to answer with good, not so good, doing great blah blah blah.  We don't care enough, we don't want to really know, sometimes that question is just common courtesy.  It's a shame because that question is a way to share in each others life.

Let's face it if you walked into a room and saw a friend and she has had the worst month or the greatest week.  You ask her "Hey! how are you?" and she answered "I'm good" and more often that is the reply even if its not true, because we have all been programmed to say that, its almost a reflect respond.  So I sit here and think about it and wonder how I can change that, how I can really show someone that I do want to know, that I do want to listen, and I do CARE!!! I came up with this.  If you ask someone how they are, ask it like you mean it, say something like "So tell me what's been happening with you? I can't wait to hear about everything that I've missed."  I know you might not want to use those words, but I guess what I am saying is when you ask a question like how are you? make sure you use words that show you really want to know, and you're not just saying it to be polite or be courteous, you might suprise yourself, you might help someone just by listening, or they might help you. 

If you are asking me how am I? as in you really want to know. If you really want to know why I have been away for so long. Here I will tell you.  I have really pushed myself in the gym this past two weeks.  I spend 3 hours max and 2 hours min everyday, because I want to enter a competition called Body for Life.  I am entering not for the money, although I hear its a big prize.  I am entering to challenge myself, 12 weeks is a short time to get to the body I want, but I'm determined and I love what I am doing right now.  I also am learning how to improve my speed reading, although that is almost finished.  I finished my singing self study course on Friday, and I am about to learn how to play the piano again.  I managed to get through my flash, but I want to learn more.  My photoshop course came on friday, so I will start that tomorrow.  Zen was always my focus, but now I am learning about the 'Church of Christ' to determine whether it is something that I want to pursue . 

Mentally I am sound, and physically I am fit, emotionally hmmm a lot of things happening.  I hurt a lot of people with the post about Jerome, and well I know that although being true to myself is my first priority, taking other people's feeling into account is a good thing too. I lost a lot of so called "friends" after that post, and their goodbye was swift if not hurtful, but I have to believe that in my life I have a choice on how to react, so I will say this now, to the friends who have walked away, "Thank you for the good times, and the memories, goodluck and god bless. I will always remember".

I am spending a lot of time with Pete (his real name is Paul, and he gave me permission to use his real name now )  Paul was there for me when my heart was broken with RAT and right now he needs me, so we do talk, at least 5-6 hours everyday, he needs someone to vent to, to help him make sense of it all, and I'm glad he trust me with those feelings.  Let me just add Paul and I are friends only, we have been friends for 2 1/2 years and we will always be just friends.  I met another IT nerd like me this week, and he is one talented guy.  I think he knows it all when it comes to IT, and I am glad for the knowledge he has taught me, so Xavier thank you for everything I am a humble student as always.  For those who asked Ronny and I are just friends, very very good friends, he is one hell of a guy who I admire so much, and yes I love him like a fat kid loves cake!  My life is more complicated than that, and already that was too personal, but being real to myself and remembering I write this journal for me, helps me write what is really in my head right now.  Life is moving fast, and I am hanging on with my teeth, but hanging on nevertheless. 

So next time you ask someone a question make sure you really want to know. Make sure you show them that you really care, its easy to get caught up in the HYPE! Be different! Be Unique, and most of all Be Yourself!

Finally I want to ask you, as in ask you how the heck have you been? No really how are you? I mean it! How is everything in your life?  Really !! Wow tell me more.  Come i'll buy you a coffee we can sit and talk about it, we have so much to catch up on.  Are you still .....? Did you ever.......?  I'm asking you too many questions huh? But I missed you.  I really missed you .

I woke up today with the fear that my friends must have felt about me a year ago.  Fear that a friend of mine will kill himself over his broken heart, if it happens once it stings so bad, if it happens twice it is unbearable, but the third time? thats just plain kills your heart.  I spoke to my friend Pete for 4 hours yesterday trying to convince him that he can get through his recent heartbreak.  Trying hard to assure him he has the strength to get through this, since he has already been through previous heartbreaks he once thought he couldn't heal from. Pete was blessed for once he falls in love he will put his heart, his mind, his whole being into that relationship.  I am talking extreme loyalty, and unwavering acceptance of the girl, sublime patience and sheer understanding.  Pete is by no means perfect, no one is, but Pete's way of loving someone is close to perfect.   To love someone will all your heart is a trait that is bequested to only a few.  It is the ultimate gift you can offer to another human being.  I know that not everyone will appreciate a love where honesty is a way of life, where loyalty is given without question, understanding is always close by, pure acceptance is never far and concern for each other is the norm.  We all want that love, we all want to find someone who will love us unconditionally, but how many of us appreaciate it once it is in our hands, how many of us recognise it and how many of us who have been heartbroken are willing to offer that kind of love again.  Sometimes I think we learn the wrong lessons in heartbreak, we learn the ones that protect us, not the ones that free us. 

I once thought I was so inlove with RAT I almost ruined my life for that man.  I gave up everything and moved halfway accross the world to be with him, only to find he was cheating on me the whole time.  That was wrong. I was wrong! Love isn't blind I was blind.  Today I want to take responsibility for what happened, and take full blame, for my actions.  I don't feel sorry for myself anymore and I don't feel sorry for anyone who is heartbroken, Did that sentence seem harsh to you?  Let me explain.  I don't feel sorry for anyone who had their heartbroken, because I choose to be proud of them instead.  If you love someone with all your heart and you give them the best love that you possibly can, then if they don't value that love, or give that love to you in return, and worse they let you go. Tell me who losses out? Tell me who is stupid? Real love is rare, and if you let it go then you are not only dumb, you will never know the joy of love.  I feel sorry for the person who cheats, who lets go of true love, because they just dont get it, and they probably never will.

It's like finding a Diamond on the road, you are so happy to begin with, then you get into your car and place the diamond on your shirt pocket, you know the Diamond is yours now, so you're happy and you think about all the things you can do now that you have it, you can show this diamond off to your friends, they would be envious for sure, right? Time passes and you get the diamond made into a ring  to put on your finger, you mould it to suit you.  More time passes and the diamond begins to lose it lustre, it's novelty, its always there, so predictable, always shiny, always on your finger, not as exciting as before, plus you just saw another Diamond not so long ago, and that one was more beautiful it was better, and so you start thinking that maybe you would be happier with that new diamond.  So you get rid of the previous one, and get the new diamond.  Tell me why I should feel sorry for the diamond? It will stay precious no matter what, it will still shine, and it will still glow, and no matter how many times its cut, it is still a Diamond, and one day that Diamond will find someone who will see its real value, its true worth, and treasure it how its suppose to be treasured.   A person with a pure heart will remain that way, and if your heart is true no heartbreak can change you, nothing that happens to you will break you, because the way you REACT is up to YOU!  Choose to be stronger, choose to be better, and never let another person shape you with their actions, make sure your actions shape YOU!

I know that bad things happen, believe me I can write a list and it would be longer than all my entries put together.  I have seen cruelty and torment that I would not wish on my worse enemy, or on my ex's, uhmmm well maybe on some of my ex's (Chill!~ I was just kidding).  I am ashamed to say that after RAT I went and did it all over again with Dax, but this time when Dax cheated the second time I didn't hesitate nor wait for the third time, this time I didn't feel sorry for myself, and this time I dealt with it better, this time I chose to get over it quicker.  I still cried, but I moved on fast and alone.  I woke up and let all of those feelings go. This time I didn't cry for two months or feel sorry for myself.  Why waste your tears, your time, your feelings on someone who doesn't love you the same way, are you demented? Didn't you waste enough time while you were with them in the first place?  Why should you let them take anymore of your time?  Why should you let them hurt you more?  I told myself I deserve better, thanked God for showing me the truth about him, then I chose to remember the good times and walked away, and this time no matter how much he cried, no matter how many songs he wrote or sang I never went back.  This time I stood up for what I believed in which is if someone loves you, they would not hurt you nor take the risk of hurting you, not on purpose anyway, and CHEATING on someone is hurting them on purpose, don't live in denial people! If you cheat or give temptation a chance to get you, then you are hurting the person you love on purpose.  Don't put yourself in a position where it becomes difficult for you to make the right decision.  If you even have respect for a person you would let them go rather then cheat on them.  Being selfish is not an option in love.  If you hold on to someone even thought you don't love them just because they love you, then you are SELFISH, and you don't care for them, much less love them, what's worse is that means you have self esteem issues, coz you need someone to prove your self worth.  I don't care if that hurts to hear, things that are true, often do hurt to hear.  If it hurts then change your ways, you know who you are, and what you do. Don't live a lie with your own self!!

We all love in a different way, and if the person you love isn't treating you the way he should, then uhhhmm let it go, if you whine and do nothing I would happily tell you that you accept it.  As I accepted it once.  Take responsibility for things that go wrong in your relationship, as in if they treat you like crap its because you accept it.  It hurts huh! if it makes you feel better I say that to myself too, to remind me to do something about it.  I didn't say you deserve it, but you accept it.  Think about the different people in your life.  We all have friends who we treat differently.  I have my bestfriend Anawara, and she is the most giving, understanding, and wonderful person in this world.  I can get away with things with her, coz I know she will understand, and sometimes I am ashamed to say I do push my luck, but I am learning not to do that anymore.  I also have Dana, she is tough, she will not take crap from anyone.  I find I treat her differently because her limit is different, she won't put up with me not being on time, or not calling as much, or me saying the wrong thing.  People treat us the way we accept to be treated.  If you show people that you refuse to take crap and you won't put up with something that is wrong then they will think twice before they do it to you.  It starts with how you see yourself, with how you perceive you are worth.  I am not saying being boastful and thinking you are the best person in this world is good, but knowing who you are, and giving yourself credit for what you have achieved and what you are capable of doing, and standing up for what you believe in, builds better relationship with others, not only with your bf/gf but with your family, and with your friends.

I learned that I will still love with all my heart, and be loyal without fault. I will still give the person I love my heart, be honest, and be true to him, because I see nothing wrong with that.  I did promise myself though that I won't put up with bad behaviour, and I will speak what is in my heart.  I will learn to let go of little things, but stand up for the big issues.  I will not tolerate cheating, and under any circumstance will I put up with being hurt physically.  I will walk away if I can't make it work, and I know I will cry (since I am a die hard emotional) but that's ok.  I will stand up and respect myself more, value myself more, and treat myself as good as I try to treat others.  No one is perfect and I am far from it, but I am a good person and I know what I am capable of now, and what I will do for love, and that helped me realize who I am. Now I know that with each trial and each obstacle we all gain knowledge if only we chose to take it. I said earlier I felt that we learn the wrong lessons in love, as in we learn to protect ourselves, as in we build walls around us, and we end up making ourselves prisoners no longer able to feel real love since walls not only guard, they imprison too.  When what we should be doing is to free ourselves, makes us untouchable, UNBREAKABLE!  We need to learn that with each heartbreak is a renewed strength to keep going, and be grateful its over.  Its about knowing that if they don't see what you are worth, or how lucky they are to have you, just like how you see them, then they are not the one for you.  It takes strength to stand up after every fall.  I am stronger than I gave myself credit for, and you are stronger than you give yourself credit for.

You are who you choose to be! Work on everything to be the best that you can and be treated the way you deserve.  You will find that if you work so hard to be the best that you can be, you will gain self respect, and you will gain the confidence to see your true worth, and you won't let anyone put you down or make you feel bad for who you are!  When you achieve even small goals and you work so hard to be the best you can be, you will feel as I do, which is "If I have so much respect for myself and I work so hard to achieve what I want, why should I let somebody else judge me  and tell me my self worth".  You are the best person to judge who you are! You lived with yourself all your life! You need to decide who you are! No one knows you better! and no one ever will.  Be TRUE to yourself, and if you are not happy with something in your life, then change it, if your friends are no good then walk away, if your bf/gf treats you bad, then let them go. Only when you believe me and anyone else who tells you, that you deserve better, will you find the courage to change.  You have to believe as in wholeheartedly know that you deserve better, not just say it, prove it to yourself.  Prove to yourself that you really have respect for who you are.  Take responsibility for your life, and what happens in it!  You can do it! I have a lot of faith in YOU!  YOU YOU YOU YOU. One word so much meaning YOU! Did I say YOU! yet, let me remind you again YOU! uhuh I meant YOU! This entry is about YOU! too.

Xanga!

I started my Xanga in March, and at first I was fascinated to see that it had a built in community of bloggers, of all ages that shared in each other's lives.  It was months before I even ventured out of my own simple page.  Another month before I found www.blogring.net and www.createblog.com where you can find some of the most beautiful skins/scripts on Xanga.  I happily wrote about my past, my dreams, my thoughts, and my ideas.  I just kept writing, and writing, back then I never even thought to use pictures, even though I signed up for premium from the very first day.  It was a month before I got my first comment, and I remember going to her page and saying thank you, and wondering how she found my page.  In May I learned how to make my own skins, or edit existing ones to make them my own, and a week after I started making skins for others, in silence and never signing them.

It has been a lot of learning, both technically and intellectually.  Today as I look back I realized I have met some amazing people here.  To the person who introduced me to Xanga  Arbee thank you.  To Ronny who shows me that Xanga can be a place to educate and inform others about the issues that affect our everyday life. To Texie who first taught me that Xanga can be used for a great purpose.  To notamusedhere who taught me that age is no barrier to wisdom and determination.  To Shannon who reminds me that there are people who keep going no matter what. To Gaz who taught me that humor is a must, and that being able to say sorry is a great virtue.  To Tony who showed me that talent is abound here on Xanga. To Rog who provides the most astonishing answers to life's questions. To Meaniee who's pictures always make me laugh. To everyone who I subscribed to, for educating me, informing me, and making me smile each and everyday.  To everyone who subscribed to me, thanks for the support and the terror you are enduring is commendable

I guess that yesterday I found out the true meaning of Xanga, and how it can be used to unite others for a good cause.  I sit here wiser, and grateful to everyone who took the time to offer prayers to Me, Jade and her family.  Ronny thank you for linking me to your site, and making my bestfriends memory count.  Now I understand why your Xanga is the most visited, and why they call you the Prince of Xanga, rare are people who use their popularity for important issues.  To all of Ronny's friend thank you for taking the time to come here and read, to show concern for someone whom you have never met is remarkable .  I thank you all from the bottom of my heart, and I know Jade is looking down and smiling for now her death means something.  Thank you to Tony who also spotlighted me on his site in the hope of helping me reach others.  To Ranela for asking her visitors to visit the entry, thanks sis!  To Dutch84 for mentioning the entry and encouraging others to come and read. To Carol who also mentioned the Jade entry and asked her readers to show some love .  For helping me reach others who need to read Jade's story, without me asking any of you, tells me that I have found some wonderful people here, and I am blessed.

All thats left to say is hurray for Xanga, and may we used it for a greater purpose.  A way to reach and help others who need it, to educate and inform, and make a difference in each other's lives.  So now you can all stop reading this entry and go on with your brilliant self, go out there and make a difference!! Can you read the entry below and leave a comment before you go though . Thank you...

Jade

Luna's middle name is Jade, and people often asked me why I chose that name since she wasn't born in March, in fact I distinctly remember someone telling me its a common name, as in not prestigious.  Luna's names have significant meanings for me, as she symbolizes what I deem sacred.  I want the memory of the important people in my life to live through her.  She has three names, then my maiden name, and her surname.  Her first name Natasha was my real name in Russian, and the second nameMarietta is my mother's real name as Luna was born on my mother's bday, Luna's third name is Jade because while I was pregnant with her I met a woman who was so kind and so beautiful even on this photo that I filtered you can see her unbelievable smile.  She had intellect far beyond her age, and far beyond my concept.  I loved spending time with her, back then I was working about 13 hours a day. We worked together and even lived in the same house, and shared the same room as we were working for the same tourist attraction that provided free lodging.  We spent Monday to Friday together as in we worked from 7am - 10pm, then we we got home we would sit and talk about the whole day, or about our past. On  weekends we would go home to our own families. She was 3 years older than me and went back to her boyfriend every weekend, but when we saw each other on Sunday night it was as if we hadn't seen each other for years.  She would tell me all about her weekend, and I would happily listen to how sweet her boyfriend was, and how he was so funny, and he bought her some flowers or took her for a romantic boat trip.  I loved listening to her she was so happy all the time, and she was inlove, and to me that is so wonderful, she helped me believe that there are people out there who are happy, and that sometimes we find the one person we will love forever.

As time went on we were inseparable, we became so close that as I thought about it, she was saying it and I in turn would finish her sentence as she spoke.  I had never had that kind of friendship before.  Weeks past and I began to notice marks on Jade, she had blue green marks on her legs and some on her arm.  I would often joke and ask her did she do somersaults down the stairs again, and she just brushed it off, until one weekend she came back limping, and I knew something was wrong.  I could see her walk was wrong, and she wasn't the same, her smile was still there, but the pain of that leg was killing her.  That Monday night after work, as we walked home I tried to get her to open up, but she was quiet, and until we got to our room, she said nothing.  It was summer so when she came back in the room dressed in pajamas I couldn't help myself, and started crying.  I remember I even shouted to her that she was unfair, friends don't keep secrets from each other.  I demanded she tell me what I did wrong, what happened to her leg and why she is so cold towards me?

To this day I will never forget, how she calmly came over to me, and hugged me and she just cried quietly like that.  I felt so bad, now I know something is really wrong, because although I cry very easily I had never seen Jade cry.   "Just tell me" I calmly begged her.  She sat on the edge of my bed and showed me her leg, and she had a bandage with stains of blood on it. I asked her what happened, and she took the bandage off, and oh god! the wound was horrible, it was green and the cut was about 1 inch wide, ran accross her upper leg, about 5 inches long.  I was shocked as she began to tell me how her bf get's angry sometimes, and that when he gets upset he losses his patience with her, and he hits her.  She continued to tell me that when she got home friday night she knew he was having a bad day already, and by Sunday, he got so angry at her, he kicked her from behind and she landed on the glass table, it smashed and and she landed on a piece of it.  I asked her why he did it, she said she forgot to put the dog outside and he peed on the carpet, she was cleaning it when he walked in, she stood up and as he was standing up he kicked her.  She looked at her leg and then to my horror she said it was her fault, she should have remembered that he hates that.  I sit and share this story with all of you and I want to scream. I want to hit someone. I want to kick myself I should have done more.

That night changed both our lives.  I talked to her about it everyday, and begged her to leave him, and she just couldn't,she said she just loves him too much.  She couldn't bear to be without him, and I let it carry on, coz I loved her too, and I wanted her to be happy. I just talked but never did anything else, because I thought I was doing the right thing.  Weeks past and I would worry every weekend she went home, and when I saw her, be grateful that it wasn't that bad this time, or she got through ok this weekend. I would console her, and help her heal whatever new bruise she was nursing that week. I thought the best thing I could do was to be there for her, understand her, and I prayed that she would one day find the courage to leave the one person who really hurt her both emotionally and physically.  I should have tried harder to stop her. I shouldn't have condoned it.  I became a part of it.  I let it happened too. I was so stupid. 

The time came for me to leave the job since working that many hours was no longer suitable for me since I was pregnant, so with a heavy heart me and Jade parted, promising each other that when we got the chance we would achieve our dream of moving to London and sharing a flat there, working in the big city, making it big, her dream of being a top designer, and my dream to be a dancer was just the beginning.  We kept in touch, everyday for three weeks, on her break she would call me to ask me about the joys of pregnancy, and I would ask her if she was ok, and how things were with her bf, she always told me he was getting better, he was trying to change. August came and she didn't call as much, but I understood coz she said it was busy at work. In September I hadn't heard from Jade in almost 3 weeks.  I was busy with moving to a new house, and getting ready for Luna, and I said I would call her to ask her to be Luna's godmother but something always had to be done. The day after I gave birth to Luna I called Jade at work and they told me that she wasn't working there anymore, she left 3 weeks after I left?? I was confused, but 2 months after I left she kept telling me she was still working there? Now I understood why she couldn't call as much, she had to sneak past him.  He hates me, there wasn't a day he picked her up that I didn't try to kill him just by staring at him. If looks could kill he would be dead and cremated by now.

I didn't know what to do. I called my boss and asked him for her number, and thank god my boss is nice, he knew how close Jade and I were, so he gave it to me.  I called and a woman answered, it was her mom.  I told her I was Jade's friend and she said "I know you dear, can you give me your address. I need to send you something".  I said "Oh no thank you, thats kind of you but please don't bother, its much appreciated though" (thinking she wanted to send me something for Luna, it turns out it was a letter from Jade). She went quiet and I felt bad I thought I offended her.  I was about to say sorry, then she began to speak "You don't know do you?" Don't know? Don't know what? What could she mean, then she whispered it "Jade is dead.  She died a week and a half ago."  I just lost my brother 3 days ago and to hear that Jade was gone too. I was devastated even more.  I was numb.  I don't remember putting the phone down, it fell from my hands.  I don't even remember how I got to my room.  I sobbed as I held Luna, desperate to feel happy for her.  I just couldn't.

Two of the most remarkable people I know, died before I could introduce them to the most important person in my world.  4 days after I came home from the hospital with Luna I called Jade's mom again, to apologize, and she understood! (now I know why Jade was so nice, her mom is exactly the same).  I asked her what happened, she said Jade killed herself.  That when we parted she was so saddened that she let her bf convince her to stop working there.  She worked for less hours, and close to home, and the abuse got worse.  Jade's autopsy was horrific, they found old scars and evidence of previous trauma from when she had her jaw broken, she had old hairline fractures on her ankle and her legs, and two previous broken ribs.  She also had her arm broken before at 3 different places on different occasions. She had scars all over her body, her mom cried as she began to tell me what the doctor told her, as to how he thought the scars and broken bones might have been caused.  She was like a beautiful quilt torn and then put together again.  I was so blind......so blind.

Jade's mother sent me a letter that Jade wrote to me the week before she died, and that letter reminds me everyday of a woman who's smile was infectious, and her aura breathtaking.  She was unhappy and alone on the day she wrote the letter, but her letter was of hope, of God, and of love for life, she was thankful for the time she shared with everyone in her life, including me.  She was too young, too good, and deserved better!  I choose to remember her the way she was when I first met her, and not towards her end.  Jade killed herself, because even though she gave him everything and she took every single abuse he threw at her, in the end he left her, and no begging she ever did could convince him to stay, desperate, alone, and with no hope, she took her own life.  He broke her, and I hope one day he and I will meet, that way I can share with him the joy of kickboxing, and extend him the same kind of cruelty he extended to her.  I await that day patiently. It will come I know for what goes around comes around. 

Jade died on September 2 1994, the day Luna was due, but Luna was 12 days overdue.  Today (18th July) is Jade's birthday, and that is why I wrote about her life as I knew of it, in the hope that anyone who reads it and is getting beaten, abused, or in a cruel relationship will learn from her memory.  If you are being abused in any way, please tell someone, seek help, you can get out, and never stop trying to get help, and no it won't get better it only gets worse, don't wait for the day when they kill you.  If you have a friend who is getting abused by their partner, parents, or anyone else, please please get them out, even if they have to be dragged kicking and screaming.  I live everyday wishing I could go back and take her back with me, because I would rather see her unhappy for a few months while she got over that moron, than dead!  Make a difference, and maybe, just maybe we can stop this from happening to someone. I would also like to point out that although 82% of abused partners are female, the remaining 18% are male.  We cannot judge those who are abused, nor tell them of what we would do, we must remember that "Only the one with no sin, may cast the first stone".  If you need more information on what to do, and how to help someone get through this, please check out the links below;

http://www3.telus.net/KWRC/whatisabuse.html
http://www.ihs.gov/MedicalPrograms/MCH/W/DV11.cfm
http://my.homewithgod.com/hallelujah/formsof.html
http://www.co.lake.il.us/statesattorney/violence/victim/whatisabuse.asp

This is dedicated to my most unforgetable bestfriend, my most cherished mentor, an Angel lent to the people whose heart she touched in this world.  I know wherever you are Jade, you are happy now. 

Happy Birthday Flatfoot!.

I love you and miss you still,
Crybaby

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29

• years of learning
  
• years of wisdom
  
• years of thoughts
  
• years of words
  
• years of feelings
  
• years of love
  
• years of hope
  
• years of faith
  
• years of lessons
  
• years of challenges
  
• years of triumphs
  
• years of reflection
  
• years of conviction
  
• and 29 years of Attitude!

I know that I wouldn't have gotten this far without the help of everyone who has touched my life one way or another. So this day is for all of you.  I dedicate my birthday to everyone who has touched my heart, my soul, and became a part of my life, even for a moment.

Midnight on the day of my birth, and I waited just to get this right down to the very minute.  I want to thank my mother for not only giving me life, but teaching me about the world and its beauty.  Thank you for showing me that strength and character are definitely important in my life.  I want to thank you for the love and honesty, and the wisdom you shared with me.  My life and everything I have in this world is credited to you.  I want to thank my father for his contribution, thank you for your donation LOL!  I know that without you I would not exist, so I thank you too.  Thank you to my brother who was the best brother, father figure I ever had.  For understanding me always, and for being there as long as I can remember I miss you so much.  For my sister who teaches me so much more than I could ever imagine.  Thank you for having the patience of an angel, and the wisdom and strength unlike any I have ever seen. You are still my idol Labs   For my aunt Evelyn for always treating me like her own. Thank you so very much for the love and support you always show me. Thank you to my grandma for teaching me manners and decorum, and the knowledge to act like a lady, thank you La! For my niece who I grow more prouder of everyday, thank you for the late nights and morning we spend talking endlessly about everything.  Thank you to my Luna for everything I ever achieved as she is my determination.

I have had the most wonderful day, and I want to thank everyone.

4:58 am and I am just about to finish updating this Xanga.

My bday was spent with my family, we had a meal together, and then we went to the theater to watch a movie together, simple but definitely unforgettable.  Spending time with my sister always leaves me wishing we grew up together.  I feel like a part of a real family for the first time in my life.  I see the dream I have always wished for both Luna and I.  I watch in amazement as we laughed together, talked together and had amazing fun together.  Sitting on a bench laughing with my sister, as she placed both our cell phones so that the people we were talking to could talk to each other, still brings me to tears in laughter.  Those are the moments I remember most, and I know that in life the ones that we must chose to remember are the memories that shape us, that paints a smile on our faces.  I am grateful to my brother in law and my niece, and of course to Luna, as they were there too, but the person who I rarely get the chance to spend time with was my sister, there is the gap that is slowly being bridged between the two of us, and I am glad to say, with age comes wisdom, wisdom to realize that being wrong is ok, and that being taught is even better if you wholeheartedly listen. I know no one grows overnight, but everyone can take a step to be better day by day.

In no importance order as you are all very important to me.hehe

To Adunai for calling and the gifts as always, congratulations on finding Otsune, she sounds so wonderful. I cannot wait to meet her, and to hear the joy in your voice is bliss for me.  Ai shite iru kara Adunai San.

To Arbee for calling me just to greet me Happy Birthday thank you.  I hear from your voice too the happiness when true love has been found.  Meeting the one you were destined for is breathtaking I bet.  You and Julie are both lucky to have found true love in each other.  Congratulations!

To Jer, for greeting me early this morning, thank you Sexy we missed you today, hope you had a great day though. See you tomorrow night

To my friends in London for calling and for the offlines and emails thank you ever so much, Anawara, Claire, Lisa, Maddz, Alino, Arlene, and to the rest of the group, you know who you are, and I miss you all so much.  Life is not the same without you nearby. 

To my friends in the Philippines for calling me and emailing me and of course leaving offlines. Ren, Laura, Katrina, Lyn, James, Trina, and of course Janet thank you I won't forget, who would have taught that after 24 years, our friendship is still strong, talking to you today brought me back to the time when we used to play with marbles and act like boys, swearing we would never marry those disgusting creatures, and now you have 3 kids and I have one LOL! so much for our vow, age certainly provides the right wisdom, and that men are not that bad after all

Thank you to Raf for calling all the way from SA, just to wish me a happy bday, for Steve who pmed me and sent me a treasured gift. Much appreciated. Thank you to Athynz for wishing me a Happy Bday, definite impressive marks for the sheer attention to detail.

Thank you to the Prince of Xanga, who spent so much of his must coveted time today to make my day one to remember. For being so kind and honest Thanks Ronny

To GAZ who was born today just as I was.  Happy Bday to you! You belong to the zoo, where you'll see me and the monkey, throwing bananas at you    Great minds certainly think alike Gaz, and your kindness and amazing listening skills I will always admire.

To Frank who is by far the most motivated and disciplined individual I have met.  The man who reminds me to keep going, and never tires of motivating me to reach my fitness goals. Thanks Frank I will never forget, and yep you are doing an excellent job, coz I am more determined than I have ever been.

To my gym partner Chris, thank you for the dedication and being one of the most reliable friend I have ever known.  I will always remember.

To Mort for the brilliant work she does on my server, enabling me to concentrate on the design and content of this site.  Thanks Sistah. Muahx

and for everyone else who took the time to greet me and share in my day, thank you.  To Onin, Melvin, Pol Pol, Mare, Eric and Gerome,  for taking the time to call me or im me email me to wish me happy bday.  I couldn't end this without mentioning you. Thank you.

To Jerome for the love you show me, the dedication and sincerity you offer without hesitation.  I am truly grateful that you have stayed in my life against all odds.  I will always be thankful for meeting you. Thank you for understanding me. The choice we made was not easy, and in time I know that destiny will prove its course. I miss you too.

Most importantly I want to thank my Luna because she spends every waking moment finding a way to show me how much she loves me.  For the love unlike any I have ever known. The one person I love more than anyone in this whole world is you.  My birthdays in the past nine years have been nothing but memorable.  Nothing I can say here can possibly thank you enough, but nevertheless Mahalo, Gracias, and Salamat my princess. I love you.

Time

You live you learn. The past few days, weeks even have been a mixture of happiness, joy and renewed strength. Destiny I read was the inevitable coming into realization. It is already written and is just waiting to happen.  I believe in Destiny, but I also believe in our ability to shape our life and paint our reality, the way we want.  I learned a while back that Attitude is everything, in that it affects every aspect of our world.  If you go through your life, blaming everyone and everything for whatever happened to you, then you will never find the strength nor the positivity to stand up and walk tall.  The wisdom to overcome all adversities is HOPE, LOVE, and BELIEF.  Hope that tomorrow will be a better day, Love yourself enough to pull yourself through no matter what, and belief that in life things will go wrong and you can either let it break you or make you. 

I have had the most colorful of past believe me.  I have been abused, bullied, beaten when I was a child and even when I was a teenager, by different people,  and I have been cheated on just like everyone else, conned by so called friends, been taken advantage of, lost the most important people in my life through death, and through lies.  Many people wonder why I don't need therapy or if I do no one says so Ha! Ha! Ha!  It is simply this, our lives are what we make.  A lot of bad things will happen to you, expect it, for you have no control over accidents, nor do you have control over other people's actions, the best way is to remember that you are in control of how you react, of what you do after each event.  Do not under any circumstance wallow, procrastinate, or sit still, for you will find unless you make a move you will stay exactly where you are right now.

I meet so many men and women who complain and whine about how bad things happen to them all the time, how life is so cruel blah blah blah!!! Life is unpredictable most of the time and unbelievable at best.  So he/she broke your heart, so he/she hurt you, you loved him/her all your life and he/she cheated on you, let him/her go, and move on, at least you never married him/her, at least you found out.   Walk away and don't look back, and don't go back unless you want to, and if you do, stop whining.  You make a choice and you stand up for that.  There are so many bad people in this world, and yes I hear family and friends say how if they had the choice they would rather be the person to fool others, than be fooled themselves, in my humble opinion I would rather be the one that was fooled, at least then my conscience would be clear.  I can always start again, move on, and keep going with my heart and my principles intact. 

I want to die knowing I made a difference in my life as well as others.  I refuse to be a part of a rat race, a part of the millions and millions of people who walk this earth idly letting life pass them by, hoping someone will give them a reason to live, someone will help them find a way, someone will show them what life is all about.  THIS IS IT PEOPLE!! This is it! Make the most of it.  The meaning of life is in your own hands, it is with you, your actions, and reactions are what will shape your life!  You are who you chose to be! The person that looks back at you in the mirror is the one you chose, the one you have to work with, the one who can make a difference if he/she wants to.  Top achievers in this world didn't get there by accident or sheer luck. William Shakespeare did not write one play and become the legend that he is now. Albert Einstein did not wake up one day to be the notably brilliant scientist we held him to be.  They worked hard, they struggled through all adversities, they overcame all.  This is not brain surgery, this is simple, you can do it, and never give up, you hold your future in your hands, and no matter what anyone does, or what life brings if you are determined you will succeed. 

I met a friend who is dying and he takes it calmly, without fear or at least he isn't showing me it.  We met under the weirdest of circumstance, yet his outlook in life and his kindest brought him closer to me.  I deem him to be a very good friend and a truly strong being.  I am grateful for having him in my life and I admire him for the way he lives his life. I am only telling you all of this, because I think he is a good example of how unpredictable life is.  I told him to stop working and do what he wants that way when the time comes he will be in peace, knowing he lived his life as best he can.  If you were told today that you have 2 months to live, what would you do? How will you REACT? Would you drop into depression and blame God for doing this to you, or would you take what small time you have left and make the most of you life while you still can?  The difference in the way you live the next two month lies in your reaction, and that question is what we should all be asking ourselves?

I have 80-90 years to live, what will I do now? In my case I have maybe another 50-60 years, it seems a lot huh? nah I think it is not enough but I am grateful for it, and I refuse to watch time pass me by, while I dream of how I could have been this person, that person, or if only I did this, or if only I was born into this, or if only I look like this.  I decided today that I will try harder to live my life that way I want, and never waste a moment thinking of the past, and living a dream or worse a lie.  I found the answer to the greatest question in my life (apart from do you take this man?)  The question I asked myself is

What will I do with the time I have in this world?

Tell me....have you ever asked yourself that question, and if you had to answer, what would your answer be?

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Mini Me!

I love spending time with Luna, she reminds me of the innocence I once possessed, she is so enchantingly beautiful, so undoubtedly clever, affectionate to the very end.  I look at her and I cannot believe that God blessed me with a daughter so amazing, she is my biggest achievement, my most angelic dream, the one person that loves me no matter what.  I watch her as she sleeps, and I reminisce about this afternoon, watching her dance for the first time.  She always watched me dance so I know its nothing new to her, but for her to say "Ma watch me, let me show you what I can do" I almost passed out.  She looked like a smaller version of me, its unreal.  She loves it just like I do, and that's makes me so happy I can't even describe it here.  I watched her as she held my hand against her chest, to guide her as she closed her eyes to feel the rhythm of each song.  She gets it, she gets it (bloody 'hel') She understands the beat and the tempo all on her own. She was just like me, imagine that a mini ME!

Luna is already talented, for me, beyond belief, she has a great voice and I know she can sing.  Her report cards are marked with nothing less than EXCEPTIONAL, and she is her hardest critic, as in less than A+ is unacceptable, and yes I am very proud of her, not because she is my daughter, but because she is brilliant, and thank god she is my daughter.   Luna is all I could have ever wished for, and everyday she teaches me about life and the world around us.  Her affection knows no bounds, and there is never a day she doesn't show me how much she loves me, with pictures she painted or drew, with cards, and love letters, or even a hug and a kiss.  I marvel at this tiny human being that God blessed me with.  My friends know about my life, and everything that I ever went through from my childhood, and to this very day, and they ask me why I stay positive. She is the reason, she is the light behind all the darkness, she was my sun after each rain, from the time she was born, up to this moment and for the rest of my life, she will remain the most important of all. 

I write this now so that I can forever remember that in my once dull life came a bright light to guide me through it all.  I know that all mothers love their children, but I love Luna more than life itself, for without her my life would cease to exist. This song reminds me of Luna, its her favorite and we have spent so much time singing and dancing to this song.  Ain't no mountain Baby!!

I am off to sleep, next to my angel today.  I hope you are beside those you love, and never fail to remind them how much they mean to you.  I'm sure you will find that it will be worth it.

Goodnight Luna.....I love you