July 21, 2004

• Warning long entry ahead!

  
  

  
  YOU live YOU learn!
  
  

  
  

  I woke up today with the fear that my friends must have felt about me a year ago.  Fear that a friend of mine will kill himself over his broken heart, if it happens once it stings so bad, if it happens twice it is unbearable, but the third time? thats just plain kills your heart.  I spoke to my friend Pete for 4 hours yesterday trying to convince him that he can get through his recent heartbreak.  Trying hard to assure him he has the strength to get through this, since he has already been through previous heartbreaks he once thought he couldn't heal from. Pete was blessed for once he falls in love he will put his heart, his mind, his whole being into that relationship.  I am talking extreme loyalty, and unwavering acceptance of the girl, sublime patience and sheer understanding.  Pete is by no means perfect, no one is, but Pete's way of loving someone is close to perfect.   To love someone will all your heart is a trait that is bequested to only a few.  It is the ultimate gift you can offer to another human being.  I know that not everyone will appreciate a love where honesty is a way of life, where loyalty is given without question, understanding is always close by, pure acceptance is never far and concern for each other is the norm.  We all want that love, we all want to find someone who will love us unconditionally, but how many of us appreaciate it once it is in our hands, how many of us recognise it and how many of us who have been heartbroken are willing to offer that kind of love again.  Sometimes I think we learn the wrong lessons in heartbreak, we learn the ones that protect us, not the ones that free us. 

  
  
  

  I once thought I was so inlove with RAT I almost ruined my life for that man.  I gave up everything and moved halfway accross the world to be with him, only to find he was cheating on me the whole time.  That was wrong. I was wrong! Love isn't blind I was blind.  Today I want to take responsibility for what happened, and take full blame, for my actions.  I don't feel sorry for myself anymore and I don't feel sorry for anyone who is heartbroken, Did that sentence seem harsh to you?  Let me explain.  I don't feel sorry for anyone who had their heartbroken, because I choose to be proud of them instead.  If you love someone with all your heart and you give them the best love that you possibly can, then if they don't value that love, or give that love to you in return, and worse they let you go. Tell me who losses out? Tell me who is stupid? Real love is rare, and if you let it go then you are not only dumb, you will never know the joy of love.  I feel sorry for the person who cheats, who lets go of true love, because they just dont get it, and they probably never will.

  
  
  

  It's like finding a Diamond on the road, you are so happy to begin with, then you get into your car and place the diamond on your shirt pocket, you know the Diamond is yours now, so you're happy and you think about all the things you can do now that you have it, you can show this diamond off to your friends, they would be envious for sure, right? Time passes and you get the diamond made into a ring  to put on your finger, you mould it to suit you.  More time passes and the diamond begins to lose it lustre, it's novelty, its always there, so predictable, always shiny, always on your finger, not as exciting as before, plus you just saw another Diamond not so long ago, and that one was more beautiful it was better, and so you start thinking that maybe you would be happier with that new diamond.  So you get rid of the previous one, and get the new diamond.  Tell me why I should feel sorry for the diamond? It will stay precious no matter what, it will still shine, and it will still glow, and no matter how many times its cut, it is still a Diamond, and one day that Diamond will find someone who will see its real value, its true worth, and treasure it how its suppose to be treasured.   A person with a pure heart will remain that way, and if your heart is true no heartbreak can change you, nothing that happens to you will break you, because the way you REACT is up to YOU!  Choose to be stronger, choose to be better, and never let another person shape you with their actions, make sure your actions shape YOU!

  
  

  I know that bad things happen, believe me I can write a list and it would be longer than all my entries put together.  I have seen cruelty and torment that I would not wish on my worse enemy, or on my ex's, uhmmm well maybe on some of my ex's (Chill!~ I was just kidding).  I am ashamed to say that after RAT I went and did it all over again with Dax, but this time when Dax cheated the second time I didn't hesitate nor wait for the third time, this time I didn't feel sorry for myself, and this time I dealt with it better, this time I chose to get over it quicker.  I still cried, but I moved on fast and alone.  I woke up and let all of those feelings go. This time I didn't cry for two months or feel sorry for myself.  Why waste your tears, your time, your feelings on someone who doesn't love you the same way, are you demented? Didn't you waste enough time while you were with them in the first place?  Why should you let them take anymore of your time?  Why should you let them hurt you more?  I told myself I deserve better, thanked God for showing me the truth about him, then I chose to remember the good times and walked away, and this time no matter how much he cried, no matter how many songs he wrote or sang I never went back.  This time I stood up for what I believed in which is if someone loves you, they would not hurt you nor take the risk of hurting you, not on purpose anyway, and CHEATING on someone is hurting them on purpose, don't live in denial people! If you cheat or give temptation a chance to get you, then you are hurting the person you love on purpose.  Don't put yourself in a position where it becomes difficult for you to make the right decision.  If you even have respect for a person you would let them go rather then cheat on them.  Being selfish is not an option in love.  If you hold on to someone even thought you don't love them just because they love you, then you are SELFISH, and you don't care for them, much less love them, what's worse is that means you have self esteem issues, coz you need someone to prove your self worth.  I don't care if that hurts to hear, things that are true, often do hurt to hear.  If it hurts then change your ways, you know who you are, and what you do. Don't live a lie with your own self!!

  
  
  

  We all love in a different way, and if the person you love isn't treating you the way he should, then uhhhmm let it go, if you whine and do nothing I would happily tell you that you accept it.  As I accepted it once.  Take responsibility for things that go wrong in your relationship, as in if they treat you like crap its because you accept it.  It hurts huh! if it makes you feel better I say that to myself too, to remind me to do something about it.  I didn't say you deserve it, but you accept it.  Think about the different people in your life.  We all have friends who we treat differently.  I have my bestfriend Anawara, and she is the most giving, understanding, and wonderful person in this world.  I can get away with things with her, coz I know she will understand, and sometimes I am ashamed to say I do push my luck, but I am learning not to do that anymore.  I also have Dana, she is tough, she will not take crap from anyone.  I find I treat her differently because her limit is different, she won't put up with me not being on time, or not calling as much, or me saying the wrong thing.  People treat us the way we accept to be treated.  If you show people that you refuse to take crap and you won't put up with something that is wrong then they will think twice before they do it to you.  It starts with how you see yourself, with how you perceive you are worth.  I am not saying being boastful and thinking you are the best person in this world is good, but knowing who you are, and giving yourself credit for what you have achieved and what you are capable of doing, and standing up for what you believe in, builds better relationship with others, not only with your bf/gf but with your family, and with your friends.

  
  
  

  I learned that I will still love with all my heart, and be loyal without fault. I will still give the person I love my heart, be honest, and be true to him, because I see nothing wrong with that.  I did promise myself though that I won't put up with bad behaviour, and I will speak what is in my heart.  I will learn to let go of little things, but stand up for the big issues.  I will not tolerate cheating, and under any circumstance will I put up with being hurt physically.  I will walk away if I can't make it work, and I know I will cry (since I am a die hard emotional) but that's ok.  I will stand up and respect myself more, value myself more, and treat myself as good as I try to treat others.  No one is perfect and I am far from it, but I am a good person and I know what I am capable of now, and what I will do for love, and that helped me realize who I am. Now I know that with each trial and each obstacle we all gain knowledge if only we chose to take it. I said earlier I felt that we learn the wrong lessons in love, as in we learn to protect ourselves, as in we build walls around us, and we end up making ourselves prisoners no longer able to feel real love since walls not only guard, they imprison too.  When what we should be doing is to free ourselves, makes us untouchable, UNBREAKABLE!  We need to learn that with each heartbreak is a renewed strength to keep going, and be grateful its over.  Its about knowing that if they don't see what you are worth, or how lucky they are to have you, just like how you see them, then they are not the one for you.  It takes strength to stand up after every fall.  I am stronger than I gave myself credit for, and you are stronger than you give yourself credit for.

  
  

  You are who you choose to be! Work on everything to be the best that you can and be treated the way you deserve.  You will find that if you work so hard to be the best that you can be, you will gain self respect, and you will gain the confidence to see your true worth, and you won't let anyone put you down or make you feel bad for who you are!  When you achieve even small goals and you work so hard to be the best you can be, you will feel as I do, which is "If I have so much respect for myself and I work so hard to achieve what I want, why should I let somebody else judge me  and tell me my self worth".  You are the best person to judge who you are! You lived with yourself all your life! You need to decide who you are! No one knows you better! and no one ever will.  Be TRUE to yourself, and if you are not happy with something in your life, then change it, if your friends are no good then walk away, if your bf/gf treats you bad, then let them go. Only when you believe me and anyone else who tells you, that you deserve better, will you find the courage to change.  You have to believe as in wholeheartedly know that you deserve better, not just say it, prove it to yourself.  Prove to yourself that you really have respect for who you are.  Take responsibility for your life, and what happens in it!  You can do it! I have a lot of faith in YOU!  YOU YOU YOU YOU. One word so much meaning YOU! Did I say YOU! yet, let me remind you again YOU! uhuh I meant YOU! This entry is about YOU! too.

  • 6:48 pm
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