August 5, 2004

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  I promise

  
  

  

  
  

  I am here again huh! its 3:32am. I feel like a burden has been lifted.  Please listen to the song, with every entry I choose the most appopriate song, and today this song fits. Ok so I am staring at this mirror and I can see my reflection so clear yet so blurred.  I can see my life as it is, work is overflowing and the gym is getting harder, as in 3 hours of everyday, and I'm on the 3rd day of my BFL competition.  I am under pressure as I have two businesses about to take centre stage, and the preparation is overwhelming. I volunteer as a tech support for a chat program I was a member of for 4 years (call it experience and giving back).  I am having to hold a lot of my friends together as they are going through some major heartaches.  I made promises to friends and loved ones that need to be completed.  I am behind by at least 3 days because of an incident, and still to this day I am concerned for that person.  I am maintaining 6 different journals, and no I wont say what or where they are.  I am in the middle of a relationship dilemma.  I am as always questioning my sanity, my peace, my heart, my motives, my love, my role and my life!

  
  

  My point to all this is I am really really under pressure.  I take on a lot and then others depend on me too, so the load gets too heavy, but I have a lot of faith in God, more than my faith in love and life, lies my faith in God. I am not your everyday church going individual, though I have nothing against it.  I just believe that my relationship with God is right for me.  I believe in him without question, he is the center of my being, he is the one I go to when I am happy, when I am scared, when I am hurting, when I need to be grateful, he is the one who I go to for everything, when I say I follow Zen. I mean I follow common sense as a way of life, but my faith in God and in Jesus is whole and solid.  I grew up in a strict religious family, and it was forced, as in kneeling everyday to pray the rosary even when you are so tired you cannot stay awake, because my grandma would pray for every living thing by name, there was no please god protect everyone in this world and most especially those who need you. NOPE NOPE she would name them all I mean from the shop owner at the corner of our street to some relative who died years before, so 3 hours was never enough for praying.  Today I pray to god even when I am sitting here, when I meditate, and no matter where I am.  I remember to thank him for everything he has given me, for LUNA, thank him for my family and friends, and ask him for strength at times like now, when I feel emotionally drained, and physically worn out.  I write this here so maybe you will be reminded that just when you feel its all too much, and you feel you can't hold on anymore, call on him, ask him for strength, and if like me you ask from the bottom of your heart, if he can he will help you.  He always helps me

  
  

  Less than 10 years ago while I watched all the doctors and nurses rush around panicking all over me I closed my eyes and prayed to god with all my heart.  "God I know I am not the best person to have a child, and yes there are many things in my life I regret, and I know that I was wrong to get angry because my brother died two days ago, but I need your help now, please please dont let my daughter die.  I kept her safe these nine months, and no labor distress is going to take her away from me.  I need you now God. I am so scared.  I promise that if you help me I will live my life forever grateful to you, and I promise to be a good mother." and I remember nothing more but waking up at 5am next to a daughter who became the very center of my universe. The one person who even at her young age manages to show me the world in such rainbow colored eyes.  I know that promise is still in my heart, always reminding me to be stronger when I feel tired, and when things are wrong, that I owe him more than words can ever express.

  
  

  I want to concentrate on that promise now more than ever. I want to be a better mother, give her more time, because I know that too many other things are taking that away from her.  I make this decision because even when my work and my boss jump off a bridge together I will be ok, if I never win the BFL I will live, and if my friends leave I will be hurt but I will again live, and if every man who says he loves me leaves, or I leave every man I ever loved (wait I did leave them all LMAO! at least I left the ones who cheated) I will be alright, because there is no one more important to me, there is only ever one that I cannot live without and that is Luna, so I tell you now, that the love I have for everyone is only a fraction of the love I hold for her, and no one comes close, not even my own family. Are you shocked? Oh well!  When you feel your child hug you back for the very first time, you will understand.  She changed my life.  God blessed me and I am forever grateful.

  
  

  God is there, right next to you, and no matter what faith you choose, never hesitate to ask the one who is most powerful, for help.  We all need help, and I know I do right now.  I was taught by a friend of mine that I am human too, and I could use help too, so thank you "Bun" for reminding me, that I can't carry it all.  I always say thank you to others and try to give them so much of me, so its rare to find someone who is willing to give so much back.  I am truly blessed.  I am lucky to have a friend who won't let me run away from it all, who will without hesitation tell me that I need to get myself together and tear down my own walls. Thank you. 

  
  

  So when you feel like everything is going wrong and no matter what you do it seems to get worse, call him I mean close your eyes and just call him, he is there I assure you.  I can prove it, coz he is there for me.  He always is there for all of us. Believe, don't let doubt hold you, open your heart and believe.

  • 6:37 am
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