+/No excuses pls!

If someone was to ask you what makes you proud?  What have you achieved?  What of your goals have you accomplished?  Would you be able to answer truthfully?  Would you be able to say something worthwhile?  If you had to be accountable for the life you have lived, would you have something to show for the years that you have been given?

If you only had tomorrow, or a month, or even a year?  Would that convince you to try harder?  To be all that you can be? Would it finally get you off your ass and make something of yourself?  Or would you sit and feel sorry for yourself?  Would you be lazy and whine and promise to get on with it? Or would you take control of your own life? 

Did you know that within all of us lies all that we can be?  No one, not even one has an excuse to procrastinate.  The only person you are fooling is yourself if you think that there are really setbacks in this world.  I have seen people with no limbs drive, no feet yet they can run.  I have seen blind people read.  If people who are handicapped can overcome it all, then pray tell what excuse you have? 

So next time you set a goal, please complete it, because the only person you are letting down is yourself.  The only person who is losing out is you!  I am telling you Zeliah, you need to stop mopping around.  This way of life is not helping you, so set your goals then follow through.  Don't be too easy on yourself, because any excuse is lame, in fact one definition of excuse is to free yourself of obligation, isn't that insane?  You are responsible for yourself or did you forget that???

There you go.  Now you know why I have been busy.  I've been lecturing myself about my own procrastination.  I decided today that I would make a list of everything I wanted to achieve in a year, starting with what I want to achieve each month.  Try it for yourself, and then complete them, set realistic goals, and follow through. I'll post my list on my next entry. Goodluck to everyone.

Cliff Notes Zeliah review I want to say a heartfelt thank you to Cliff for his very kind review.  I started going to Cliffs site almost 6 months ago, and I often go there because he has so many software reviews, and downloads, and wait for it they are all FREE! and useful, and that, for a geek girl like me is like a child in a candy store. So go and have a look at his site, because there is something for anyone who has a computer.  Go check quick, tell him I sent you and I'm sure he will even give you a hot drink and a comfy seat while you browse around.

I was just writing this entry when I get an email from a dear friend and its amazing how the sweetest of words can lift spirits.  Take the time to email someone you love, a relative or a friend and make them smile.  It really does make a difference.  I know I asked you all to do a lot of things in this entry, but what can I tell you I am demanding!  Now pat your head and rub your tummy and hop on one leg with your eyes crossed (he! he! I'm just kidding )  After that witty interlude I am off to check on all of you.  I missed reading your entries.  I mean it, most of you have better social lives than me.  (first goal ---> improve se....uhmmm I meant social life.

Nite Nite

Xanga

I had a post all written and I decided after reading so many xanga's that something needs to be said.  I came onto Xanga, when a friend introduced me to this community of weblogs, and at the very beginning I knew so little about HTML, CSS ( I mean I was a programmer not a webmaster/web designer).  So I took the time to learn, all the while writing my thoughts down, mainly for me.  Then one day I received a comment from a girl, and so I go to her site and read her xanga too.  Up to that minute I always thought the only people reading my entries were my family and friends.  I was so homesick after leaving London, that I needed a place to fill my time and a place that I could express my thoughts.  Back then I wrote without conviction, without hesitation, and through time I learned that some people deserved their privacy.  I learned to be more positive, and to question myself more, and I believe I am at that point in my xanga experience where I write to educate me and share with others what I have learned based on my mistakes and successes.

I've read so many Xangas and some I go to and never leave a comment and those who touch my heart with their words are the ones whom I subscribe to.  I've looked at Xanga in so many different ways in the past.  But one thing remains, Xanga is not a place where idiots can come and abuse you for the privilege of reading your thoughts, ideas, experience.  Its not a place where people can brag about how great they are and how they are the sexiest or the most sex driven, a sex machine or a sex goddess, because that crap is nothing new.  I would like to think that Xanga is not a place for attention seekers, not the place where morons and idiots can abuse and insult one another.  I would like to think Xanga is a community of so many different races and so many cultures all learning for one another and with this medium we are able to unite for a better cause, for something other than just us, other than just our sex life or our popularity, surely it is about being able to be a community that is there for one another.

Texie once showed me that Xanga can be used for a greater purpose, and it worked too.  I just read so many xangas today about people complaining about a certain boy getting more eprops than most and that this boy was cheating and so he robbed someone of their chance at the featured content.  Does that mean I should whine too, since no matter how many eprops I get for each post I have never made it to the Featured content. Should I write Xanga a threatening letter too?  As if Xanga ever answered any of my emails about my account in the past!  They have never answered a single email I ever sent them, and to be fair I have written 2 in the space of 7 months.

To be honest reading that particular blog made me realize that I want Xanga to mean more to me.  I want it to mean a community writing to educate and help one another in their own way.  Writing for writing's sake. Each to their own, but keeping in mind that we are still a community of people with feelings and writing crude, vulgar not to mention degrading entries so that you can become popular, is not going to help nor will it make you a better person.  What will make you a better person is the way you act, and the vision that you see in the mirror wont change with the amount of eprops you get. 

I have met so many people here who pretend to be someone they are not, who write under supreme anonymity, and under false pretenses, either stealing other peoples work from the Internet, or taking post from others and re-wording them to make it their own.  I believe in the freedom of speech too, but when you sit and take credit for someone else's looks and someone else's work and then think, that your make believe self confidence is deserving, then you belong in a community of pretenders (that would be the psychiatric ward). No award or recognition will mean as much as the satisfaction that being true to yourself brings.  When you have worked hard for something and you reap its rewards, it means so much more, because you know you did it on your own, as in YOU.  Stealing is stealing no matter how you try to justify it to yourself it is still stealing.  Calling it copying and pasting does not make it any less degrading to your integrity.

I do take comfort that amidst all those, there are real people in Xanga, and most of those whose Xanga I go to are truly decent people who try to lead their lives and try to contribute to this community of ours.  So this post is only for those whom it may sting.  If it hurts, its true, so if you didn't like what you read, or if I offended you, then I suggest you dont come and read here again, and change because if this offended you, you deserve it, and you need to be more real to yourself and to others.

This is me being real to Xanga, and let's hope Xanga takes the time to be real to itself and let's hope they take the time to realize that we all deserve better service in the form of communication.  Customer service truly sucks and there needs to be more consideration for their members either premium or not, because without US there would be no Xanga.

Lets be a community of writers, expressing all that we have within, all of our dreams, our ideas, striving to be more than just mere attention seekers hoping for popularity by any means necessary.  But most of all lets be a collection of strong men and women with a loud and important VOICE.   A hosts of seperate identities with 1 determined VOICE.

Thank you to everyone who gave me input on the two different layouts.  I apologize for the confusion, both layouts were still in the draft process.. I just needed some ideas on which one looked better.  There was no links or content within them, they were just images that I was deciding on.  Looks like I am set to use the laptop. 

If anyone is wondering about the virus. please visit the head admin of Xanga = John for details and how to remove it.

 Thank you again to everyone who took the time to read and gave their opinion.  Must sleep, Night

Somebody to....

I watched Ella Enchanted and its one of those feel good movies that just lifts spirits.  I was hooked into this song.  I usually write my entries then find the song to fit them, but this one song got me thinking.  I have been reading so many blogs, not just xanga's or blogger's, but there seems to be so many focused on people looking for someone to love, or the love of their life, and I am not against that, since its a natural instinct, but what bothers me is why be hell bent on looking.  It was over 3 months ago that I decided to just enjoy what I have, just accept and be happy with who I am.

Surely every single one of us can find someone who loves us, who truly cares about us and values who we are inside.  In my case I have my Luna, my family, my best friends and even my new friends who I love.  The people that are a part of my life right now and even before.  Should we really be looking for somebody to love when we should be loving those who are in our life already.

I'm not suggesting we should settle, but certainly we should stop hurrying fate and trying to find someone to complete us, and be complete on our own. Why does it seem so strange for us to love ourselves that little bit more?  I admire women and men who are single and live a full life.  Those who know who they are and are not afraid to be alone.  How can you expect someone to want to be with you, if you, yourself can't fathom being alone with yourself   So if like many people out there you are searching for that special someone to love, take a look in the mirror and realize the somebody you are looking for is YOU!

That somebody who you need to appreciate more is none other than YOU!  Yep, don't be scared and don't disregard this advice, just try it, just try to love yourself that little bit more, and really look within, and get to know who you are.  For only when you are happy with who you are and you know what you are worth, that is when others will see YOU as somebody to love....

I just finished the final touches for www.zeliah.com , which at the moments forwards to this xanga journal, but I wanted to make it seperate, and I wanted to make it bigger with pictures since I always get asked for more, and some downloads available for other people to use.  I am also toying with the idea of making skins, since I have made quite a few skins for friends. I thought maybe it was time I started submitting some of them and also get credit for the ones I had made already, plus Photoshop and I are a lot friendlier now.

Input pls , let me know what you think of this layout.  The way it works is you click on an item in the picture to enter a new page. The other layout is this room that I was working on as a 3D site.

Let me know which layout you think is better, both will work as live images (image maps) which means most of the objects will become links that you can click on to enter a new page.

I'm so tired.......

Good morning guys 

First.....

Listening to this song took me back to a time when I was just 14.....

Having moved to a new village tucked within the quiet suburbia in the north of  the United Kingdom. I found myself thinking about what lies ahead.  New school, new friends, and new challenges. 

First day of school and its the same dreary class with everyone messing around.  I figure this is going to be hard for sure. So I sit at the back and hope no one notices that I am yet again the only foreign girl. Too late coz the teacher comes in and diverts all the attention to me, yep it was a "Hi! there. You're the new girl right? Tell everyone what your name is and where you come from." I hate it when they do that, it feels like you have neon lights pointed only at you. So embarrassment over and I sit down, and then he walks in and Oh! I tell you, in that moment I felt this dizzy feeling in my stomach that made me so teary.

WOW!  David. Oh my lord. Oh my!!!! I nearly fell off my seat, he was so goodlooking. I mean a smile that made me forget my own name.  I could feel my face turn red, and all I could think of was Uhhh!  I just couldn't figure out what was happening to me.  I mean I never felt that way about anyone.  I usually just ignore boys when they talk to me.  I thought they were weird when they would try to talk to me.  I remember my hand would always come up to their face and it would be a quick "Get lost".  But David was different, he had those eyes that felt like heaven was right behind them.  I am all giggly and excited as I write this.  It's like being there again in that moment, geez he still sends me to shivers. 

I remembered he was in 5 of my classes for that year and after that first day that I met him.  I did a 180 and all of a sudden I wanted to know all about makeup, and how to dress.  I began to look like a girl, wow who knew I actually had breast.  I had always hidden them underneath all those layers of clothes. 

For 4 years I kept my crush for David, all to myself.  I watched him from afar, staring when he wasn't looking and pretending he never existed whenever he would looked at me.  Ah! the games we play.  He would sometimes come up to me and talk, and I would pinch my arm to remind myself not to faint.  He was always so nice to me, but he never gave me any sign that he liked me, and so I was happy to just watch him, he was my inspiration, my reason to work hard everyday at school.  I wanted to make sure he noticed me, so I studied hard and good at the subjects he liked most i.e. computers.

Two months before we were due to leave for summer, then on to University, things began to dawn on me.  I might never see him again. I was dreading the end of the school year... Then as if the heaven's answered my prayers, a mutual friend asked me to go to her 18th and she made sure to tell me David was coming.  So after what seemed like eternity trying to find the right clothes and then starting over again! Almost burning my hair out with the tongs, and putting makeup on and then taking it all off, thinking he might like that, yes I was halfway going psychotic. 

The party was really good. It was held at this really posh hotel, and the weather cooperating too, and if you live in England you would know what I mean!  I saw David from the moment I got to the party (ok so I was looking out for him!)  I was sitting on the other side of the room from him, GRR!  After a while I noticed David danced all night with this girl I had never met before.  I was crushed.  I decided I would take a walk on the hotel grounds.  I just kept walking until I reached this tiny river, and I sat on the stone ledge overlooking the river.  It was only then that I felt my tears flow, 4 years of waiting for him to ask me, and ignoring every boy whoever asked and he has a girlfriend!! Talk about ironic. 

So on I went talking to myself, trying to convince myself this is just a teenage crush, until I felt this hand on my shoulder.  "Are you ok?" I hurriedly hid my face and whispered "Yes I'm good" to which he said "Are you sure?"  Wait a minute I know that voice. I turned around and its David.  "Bloody Hell" I blurted, forgetting that I had been crying.  

"What are you doing here?" 
"I wanted to ask you to dance"
"Me?" 
"Yeah you" He laughed as if amused that I was shocked.
"Yea and I'm sure your girlfriend would love that"
"Ah! She's my cousin, she is visiting from Spain"
"Oh" was all I could muster

Yep it was official now.  Could I embarras myself more?  He sat down next to me and for the first time we got the chance to talk as in just the two of us, without his friends or mine listening in.  Then he tells me that he has always liked me.  I am now wondering how long before I wake up from this dream, when he slowly leans towards me and asked "Can I kiss you?" I wanted to jump up and shout "Yes! Yes pls! Pretty pls?" instead I opted for a wimpy "ok", and so there I was with my first kiss, with my first crush, and my puppy love, and it was remarkable. 

I remember it like it was yesterday, gentle, soft passionate and mind blowing.  Suddenly the 4 years didnt seem like forever anymore, and David was no longer a dream.  He held my hand and we danced without music by the river and standing there with him, mud covering my precious shoes I was happy. 

David and I spent the next two months in nothing but young and innocent love, the kind that knows no heartache, with fresh trust and loyalty that comes with innocence.  Then it was time to part ways.  He had to go to the other side of the country and I had to stay.  I sobbed as I hugged him, and seeing him get on that train tore my heart, but seeing the tears in his eyes broke my soul.

We talked everyday, promising each other forever, then after 4 months I had to go to back to the Philippines and it was harder to keep in touch.  We faded like the wind.....

It was 5 years before I saw David again, and at that time we had really gone our own way,  We talked about the past and reminisced and then we said farewell to one another.  He told me I was his first love and as I hugged him all I could say was take care and be happy. What I should have said was....

David......Thank you for a love I will always cherish, and now I know you were my....... First Love.

Believe

Funny how simple words from those who are so young can mean so much.  I was as usual trying to multitask (as in talk on the phone, trouble shoot for a client on their computer and get dressed so I can go to the gym, when I heard that knock on yahoo, now those who know me, know I am mostly always online but usually I am on the other computer, so I tend to go on invisible as that is the only way to get any work done!

I turn around and right before me was a window with a cute little panda as the picture profile.  I could not for the life of me remember the name of the person who talked to me, so the conversation ensued;

? : I missed you
Zeliah : Who is this pls?
? : It's me, don't you remember?
Zeliah : Sorry, uhhm No.
? : It's ok. I remember you still
Zeliah : Is this....., .....

and after what seemed like endless questions from me, still I could not figure out who it was.  I was starting to think that it was a stalker but then this person was not weird nor strange.  In fact kindness was what I felt with their every word.

Kristine : It's me Kristine (sorry <different name used, privacy issue)
Zeliah : Kristineeeeeeeeeeeeeee whooaaa its been a long time huh.  I missed you too

After another hour or so  catching up, Kristine told me something that still has me thinking up to this moment.  Kristine is only 19.  I met her way back when I used to teacher in an IT school in London.  She was one of my most quietest student, and because she worked so hard, she was certainly one of the best in that class.  I admired her spirit so much and even on weekends she would travel the 2 hours from her house to come and see me so she can learn something that was not included in her class,  she was like a little prodigy, and I saw the love for computers that I had when I was young (uhuh I'm a geek and no I won't deny it ). As time passed she became like a little sister to me, she shared a passion for computers that I could relate to, so I taught her as much as I could whenever we saw each other, and if I was honest she had become my favorite in that class.  I would secretly smile as the Principal would praise her and as she looked at me I would feel so proud of her.  

One day as I was on a private IT training with one of our clients, the boss took me aside and asked me whether I would like to work for him, and after debating with myself I took the other job, it was closer to home ( as in less than the 2 1/2 hours I was travelling to the school).  Cut a long story short it was a really good offer to turn down, still with a heavy heart I told our Principal I was leaving at the end of that term.  I had the task of telling all my students too, and on my last day it was really wonderful to receive the cards and the letters, but what touched my heart more than anything was little Kristine coming up to me at the age of 16 (honorably young for this type of certification ) with her  MOUS EXPERT certification (for those not in IT, a certification is the proof of how good you really are in IT, it means a lot to those of us who value our and strive to polish our skills).  I never even knew she was planning on getting that certification, but the fact that she did proved to me she was putting her heart and soul into every weekend of those two years that she spent with me.  All she said was...  "I wanted to say Thank you" and she handed me a copy of her certificate with a note to say "You believed in me, Thank you!"  I remembered hugging her and then I made my way to a job that was financially rewarding but nowhere as challenging and fulfilling as being a teacher. 

We stayed in touch for 2 years and then it started to fade as we both became busy.  So today when I got the chance to talk to her.  I told her about what was happening in my life, as in as much detail as I could, then I asked her to fill me in about everything that I missed out on and to my suprise she did.  Kristine is doing her degree in (uhuh!) Business Computing (yep same degree that I took).  Reading about her life cheered me up so much that I felt ecstatic.  In the middle of us joking with each other she said I never got the chance to tell you before you left.  Tell me what? She started to tell me that she was living with her aunt and uncle when she was studying at the school and since she was almost an adult under the law, they threw her out the week before I left.  (3 days before she took her exams for that certification!!) I know what its like to be homeless, and its no picnic.  "I wish you could have told me". to which she answered "I never thought of telling you, because I felt strong enough to deal with it" and then she said what I never expected her to say.

"You believed in me so much, that I began to believe in myself too.  I knew I could do anything because you always said I could."

That alone made an impact in me, but then she continued to say "You should believe more in yourself.  I believe in you".  I have met very wise men and women, even young men and women here in xanga and in my life and it amazes me how their words can stick in my mind like superglue.  I say it then and I repeat it now. 

AGE is no BARRIER to KNOWLEDGE, for KNOWLEDGE knows no BOUNDS.

Kristine, thank you for reminding me, for days now I've been lost, slowly finding my way through the dark, and here you came to shine your light on me.

So as Kristine says  Believe in yourself.  It doesn't need to be anymore complicated than that for faith needs no explanation, it is one of the most powerful emotion in the world.  Take the time to encourage others to believe in themselves.  You would be suprise how a kind word is never forgotten.  Touching other peoples lives is not an art, it is the very fabric of our being.  Take the time to talk to someone, you might be suprised at how fulfilling it can be. Believe that you can achieve anything and you can do anything that you put your mind into.  Believe that you are unique in the most special way.  Capable of more than words, and stronger than any action.  Believe that in life miracles happen, and you can see them clearer when you have faith. I believe in YOU!

Happy Birthday Jeruzelle

You are going to go far and I dont mean San Francisco.... I know you can do anything........I knowwwwwwwwwww

Let it flow......

To hold on is a survival instinct, but as I gain composure. I realize that certain things must be released for only then can I finally be free.  Why must we hold on to that which hurts us, to bad memories, to pain and that which makes our lives stop rather than free us.  I longed to be free from it all, and lo and behold I was always free, it was me that held myself in this moment.  If only someone had told me to just let it all go, just breath and let it go, make a choice to move forward, to keep walking. 

In my case its the never ending and unchanging belief in finding real love and then the ultimate let down that reality brings which is, its so rare, that I have more chances of winning the lottery.  I decided today to just let it go, just live my life and be happy with what god has blessed me with. He gave me my determination, my strength, my intellect, my will to survive, my integrity, my heart and most importantly he gave me a daughter who is unbelievably amazing, and incredibly adorable, and a family who love me and is there no matter what.  I have had and still have the most wonderful friends all over the world, friends who have lasted the years, from 24 years to even the shortest time. 

I am blessed for I breath, and I feel and I can think for myself.  I am free for I am able to do and say as I please at any given time.  I want to live my life in balance.  For now I will believe in what I have faith on most which is God.  I will love the one person which loves me truly and that is Luna.  I will learn and get to know my family more, and I will give consideration, time and attention to the person I forgot so often, and that is Me.

If it hurts. If it stings. If it brings you pain.  If you can't hold it any longer.  If its too much. If its no good.  If it makes you cry.  If it tears you apart.  If it is not good enough.  If you want to be free yourself, then let it go.  Like swimming against a current, you can only do it for so long and sometimes you have to let it take you, and you never know, that current could take you to a beautiful place.

Everything happens for a reason, believe, just believe that you are who you choose to be.  I can sit and feel sorry for myself and miss whoever it is that has decided to join my Defective Club.  I can whine and complain about how much I want to achieve all my dreams, and all the things that I want to do and never get round to doing OR...............I can get up, dust my shoulder off, walk tall, and stop whining, do everything that I say I want to do, and achieve my goals without excuses, without drama, and without letting anyone distract me and take my focus away from what's important.

So *exhales....time to get on with living life, just breath and stick to what matters most, and then let it flow  Morning...

Love through time

First of all I want to say thank you to everyone who took the time to leave such wonderfully encouraging comments.  I am here writing as I received so much emails of encouragement I am in awe, for all the people who took the time to email me to show me their support, thank you.  I am humbled beyond belief.  I thank you all from the bottom of my heart and I dont really know what to say. I'm lost for words, THANK YOU.

I spent today with a lady who I look upon like a mother, and she is going through a lot of pain and has had to get a few injections on her back, and without hesitation I will assume that thing hurts.  I had and epidural before and it hurt so bad.  Honestly though it wasn't that part of the day that consumed me.  It was the fact that her husband was there, and after 50 years of marriage they were still flirting with each other.  I write it here and I can feel my eyes water, for they restored my faith in love.  It was as if god gave me the sign I was asking for.  I watched as they held hands on the back seat, and the way they looked at each other even after all these years.

They are so inlove, they are so enamoured with each other, it was so enchanting to see love bloom and grow to sheer everlasting.  I smiled as he held his arm out as she walked beside him, and remembered a moment.  The way she would smile as she wrapped her arm around his arm.  The way he would always let her walked in through the door before him. The way she would smile as she looks at him as he sat beside her. The way he would open the door of the car to let her out. The way they kiss each other with such gentleness and passion.  The way she would talk about him when he was not there, still makes me smile for she loves him so much even after all these years.  For a moment I felt a sense of Dejavu . 

Two souls who've loved each other all their lives.  I rejoice for I fear that this kind of love is so rare nowadays, that we must pause to recognize those who never forgot what love truly means.   I look at them and I believe once again that real love exist.  To love someone for 3 months, 6 months, 3 years, and even for 11 years is nowhere near 50 years, yet I feel that even if you love someone for 6 months alone, you will share so many trying moments and obstacles.  50 years! of life's achievements, trials, obstacles, and triumphs. I found out recently that love really is timeless, because when its true it stays in your heart forever.  It defies time and defies all logic.

Today more than any other I know that everything happens for a reason and if you pray to god with all your heart, if he can he will help you.  I got the sign I have been praying for, for days.  I never expected it neither but I am glad it came in the shape of two wonderful souls. 

Thank you again to everyone who reads and to everyone who emails, and leaves comments on this xanga.  You helped me realize that while I write for myself, there are people out there who care about what I write and what's more they care if I write or not.  Thank you so much

Blessed

I never dreamed I would have to make such a difficult decision, but this afternoon I made it. It takes great courage to say what needs to be said even if it hurts, and it takes strength to make a decision that can change your life, but in my life I have learned that being true to myself has enabled me to live my life without fear or guilt.  I have decided to be alone, not choosing anyone for I would rather be alone than be with someone who does not love me. 

I wish there was an easier way, but I know there isn't, nevertheless thank you.  I am sorry.

If everyone lived their lives being true to themselves then it would save a lot of heartbreak, and if lying wasn't so easy then people would tell the truth and save others the heartache.  If you live your life unable to be true to yourself, and to others then you have nothing, for your words will mean nothing and your life will mean even less.  Why can't people just speak from their heart and be strong enough to be real, rather than pretend to be someone that they might not be.  I learned so many lessons this past week that my head is spinning.  Strength is a rare thing in a woman, and real love is something that will only scare you if you don't know what it means.

Good night guys I need sleep, and I am going to apologize now, but I think it will be a while before I write an entry again, if I ever do.  I was really thinking this will be my last entry, but only time will tell.

Thank you to everyone who took and takes the time to read my entries I am so very grateful and I will continue to read your entries even if I never write on here again.  I need a break from writing.  I need to procrastinate if only... Thank you to everyone who is subscribed to me, and the 100+ people who come to read my ramblings every single day.  Thank you and God Bless.

OHANA........