What IF?
She held the ticket in her hand and sat waiting for the bus, yeah this bus was going to take forever, she had been there for almost 52 minutes, and there was no sign of this bus, after this bus she still has to take a train for another 11 hours and 33 mins. She turned her gaze towards the mall, maybe if she stares in the distance, she will find the answer.
They are just friends after all, and although they both feel the connection, its not viable, they live too far away from each other, they both have other loves in their lives before they met, how can they turn that love towards each other. She knew she had to go, its been the event she was waiting for, to meet the guy who is so similar to her, so emotional, so wise, so real. He has this way about him, he was an exact copy of her, his passion and sensitivity had always fascinated her, she longs to talk to him, yet she avoids him, for the fear of falling for him. She was hurt before by a long distance relationship, and she swore never to put herself in that situation, and that's why she avoids talking to him, she can't be hurt again, she doesn't want to take that chance again. Holding her breath she gently sighed, its not only that. The real reason she started to avoid him was because she knew she could easily fall in love with him, and she was hurting coz he told her he loved someone else already.
So why is she here in this bus stop, waiting for a bus that seemed to take forever, why did she insist on finding another way to reach him when the plane tickets didn't work, what a waste of money! The same woman who is trying to save money has just blown close to a few hundred dollars on wasted tickets and now she is here knowing that this was going to be a long trip. A really really long trip. Maybe she still believes that there might be a chance he could be the one, maybe he will be the one she has longed for, maybe she feels what they have could develop into something perfect in this imperfect world. The bus pulled up beside the stop, she picked up her bag, she only had two, she couldn't bring too much, she told her sister she was going to see a friend's mom who was ill. It was true her friend's mom was ill, but she wouldn't be meeting her until after she met him, she had to see him first. She needed to see him, see what his reaction would be when they finally met. The bus was almost empty, only two old women, talking to each other and a man reading a book, they nodded just to acknowledge her presence, and she nodded back with a quick hello. This was a 1 hour bus ride so she headed for the back of the bus, she wanted to be alone far from anyone, so she could think, she wanted to be comfortable too, so the time will go by fast. She looked at her cell phone, should she call him? No she wants to call him when she is standing at the station, and all he has to do is drive there, she wanted to show him that she was real. She wanted to prove to herself that once she decides something nothing will stop her.
Nothing? but what about her so called boyfriends, what about the two opposite men who taught they were her boyfriend, there was George who was so sweet and caring, who worshipped the ground she walked on, surely she should think about him, but then she caught him cheating on her, way back when they were just starting their relationship, she vowed then she would keep her heart from him. Shame he had to get caught cheating, now she can't bring herself to trust him, not to mention she is contemplating cheating on him. Then there is Neil, the arrogant, and shallow opposite of George, with Neil everything is hard, sad to say his looks dont make up for his lack of kindness, nor his lack of courtesy or consideration for her. He deserves to be cheated on, he is another fake, and his age is nowhere near his maturity level. She is not sorry that she is about to cheat on him, in fact she is thinking of kicking his ass to the other side of the kurb, she was going to tell him to go to hell this morning, but she thought if she cheated on him before she dumps him maybe she will be able to get him back for the way he use to treat her, for never calling, for being downright rude and annoying to his obvious cheating, the only difference is she never caught him, but then she didn't care for him enough to bother finding out, he was a passing phase, a week after she met him, she knew he was a loser.
This is the last stop dear, are you ok?" the woman startled her, she was still deep in thought, and the bus was empty, everyone had gone inside the train station. She grabbed both bags, gratefully saying thank you to the lady. The train station was big, bigger than the ones in London, so many people rushing around trying to catch their train no doubt on their way home to their families. She walked towards the counter to collect her ticket, the lady asked for her identification, she hesitated, but showed her passport, the lady looked at the picture, then handed her the tickets. She was able to breath again, this wasn't going to be easy.
She rushed for her train, she only had 9 minutes, she can't miss this, its the last one for that day. She ran clutching both bags, through the crowd of people, and then there she was standing about 300 yards away from the train that would take her to him, Oh! but here comes a conductor asking to see her ticket, and her identification, she didn't hesitate this time, after all the lady from the ticket office just looked at that picture and let her through, so this should be quick, but it was too long almost 3 minutes of silence from the man looking at her passport, he wasn't looking at the picture, he asked her to move to the side, she became confused, suddenly fear crept and stood beside her, why is he not letting her through, couldn't he see she needed to be on that train, he was looking at her now, he said something but she couldn't hear, she was too busy watching the train pull away, it was as if the train left and her mind was in it, only her body was left on that station.
Everything was a blur, she knew that another man ask her to follow him, then there was all these questions, she answered as honestly as she could, and made the one phone call she could to her lawyer, it was like a movie, but this time she was starring in it, she remembers taking a gum from her bag before they took it away, then she was led in a room, no computer to keep her happy, no cellphone to ease her confusion, no one to talk to her, help her forget the pain of her life. She sat quietly in the corner, there was a metal bed, she couldn't bear to sit on it, the floor was good, it meant she couldn't fall any further than she had already fallen that day, the walls were grey, and there was a window but it had bars, she looked around and there was no toilet, she comforted herself that this can't be jail, jail cells had toilets in them, (stupid thoughts from a smart girl huh?) maybe it was just a room where you have to wait before they tell you it was all a mistake and apologize profusely. She lost track of time, her cellphone was her watch, her alarm clock, her schedule, her diary, her lifeline, she cried as she began to remember her sister telling her that her cellphone was like a part of her body, she thought about her daughter, what would happen to her? Her sister? her family? What about all her dreams of making it big here in America. Her plans to buy at least 3 houses one in LA, one in San Francisco, and another in Hawaii. What about the Corvette she said she would buy before she turned 30.
Her life was suddenly playing before her, like a widescreen movie playing in thin air. It felt like hours sitting there on the floor, she could see the moon slowly shining across the bars on the window, she held both her arms around her, she needed to be hugged, where was Neil with his famous hugs, and George with his loving touch. She was alone after all, and no one, not one man in her life knew where she was, even her family didn't know where she is, she made the lawyer swear not to tell anyone, it's ok no one expected her back for days, she will be ok. Everything will be ok, she was back in her mom's arms and with every breath she kept repeating what her mom always told her "Everything will be ok, you're a survivor iha". She didn't feel so alone anymore.
She woke up to the creaking of the door, she had fallen asleep on the floor, it was morning already, what time she couldn't even guess but a lady came into the room, and gave her food, it was breakfast although she wasn't sure how they could call it that, it looked dodgy, suddenly she had this idea, she should commit a crime, a really bad one, so she has to go to jail, the food that they serve is bad enough to make you anorexic! She shook that thought off, what was happening to her? She had started to think weird thoughts, weirder than usual hmmm. She said thank you and the woman placed the tray on the bed and walked away, without a word. She felt like a leper, what was this? were they not allowed to speak to people like me, in case we were contagious? Whatever! It's ok it won't be long she will be on the train later on maybe she can say goodbye to him before he leaves for Illinois, maybe she can just glance at him, he was the one person that she thought of besides her daughter.
She wondered whether he realized she had bought the ticket even though it was for Sat morning and she wouldn't get there until Sat night. Maybe he thought she wasn't coming anyway, after all he hesitated about staying in his hotel, see that is still confusing to her, did he hesitate or was he scared like she was? Was he feeling the fear too? maybe he just wanted to be reassured. Maybe.....
She was able to get changed, her lawyer was allowed to give her the clothes from her bags. He told her that they are not deporting her, but they need to establish her reasons for staying and what she plans to do while she was in the country, she looked at him, hoping for some answers on when she can go, she decided to tell him everything, how she needs to go on a plane now to make it in time before he goes. She promised him, and she needed to keep that promise. She held his arm and said "Please I need to go now" he looked at her and she knew she couldn't leave. He kept talking about how she has to stay until they prove her identity, also that she wasn't wanted in London, as in no criminal record, just an innocent overstayer as she had claimed to be.
The next day was hell, she was able to call home, and pretend all is well and that she was too busy helping to call the day before, they were angry, upset at her inconsiderate behaviour, not letting them know she arrived safely, it was rude and unlike her, she just listened and apologized, better this than letting them know what really happened. They cleared her and as she walked out of that room she hugged her lawyer, he was there for her, the only one, who knew her secret weekend, he was the only one who was there with her, this middle aged man who wore such cheap suits, and was always covered in tobacco odour, slightly chubby but not bad for his age, he is always well shaven, and had that I am fed up of my job look about him. He was good at his job though, like he promised they can't deport her, and he threatened them with everything from the papers to the human rights just to get her out of there.
She hadn't eaten much in the past two days, the food sucked, but all she could think about was her cellphone, she needed to talk to him. She held her bags for a moment, that was the sign of freedom she wanted to savour. She reached inside and saw 29 missed calls, she scrolled through for his number, he was calling the whole time! He left messages too. She stood up to walk out, but as she got passed the door she could feel the tears flow down her cheeks, he was waiting for her, he knew she was coming, he believed in her, she sat on the pavement trying to keep all her emotions within, but it was too much, she sobbed helplessly, she hated the world right now, she hated her ex for fooling her into coming to this country, she hated that she wasn't a citizen yet, she hated that she missed him, it hurt to hear him say he was on his way home now, and he never got angry at her, she hated that she never even got to say goodbye to him, after all that effort, she still lost, she still has to keep wondering what if, she tried everything, she risked so much, she wanted to make this work so bad, even though there was no promise of love, it was the thought that she could meet him, that was enough, she just needed to feel, she needed to know what IF!
She sat there for over an hour, debating whether to call him, what could she say, how can she explain, how can she tell him she failed, how can she tell him that she made a mistake, and she should have read the notice on the website ('Passengers will be required to produce valid photo identificationwhen purchasing tickets or checking baggage. All passengers, 18 years or older, should be sure to carry a driver's license, passport or other photo identification when making a purchase.) ' She felt more and more stupid as each hour passed. She walked for a while not knowing how to get back, she can't even use the tickets, they are one day too early for her to use. She walked towards the City, this was her chance to see the city on her own, and do whatever she likes, it was her chance to just wander without worrying about the time. She can't forget him though, her mind keeps going back to the thought of him waiting there, wondering how she was, and now he is home, unsure of what happened, maybe he hates her, maybe he thinks she got scared, she chickened out, that she can't keep a promise.
Maybe she should just call, she pressed 5 and his number showed, and she couldn't press talk, how does she explain this, she sat crying again in that cafe, was he another lost one, does she have to just forget, just let go of another special one, is he not meant to be, is that why all this happened, is he meant for someone else, was she being saved from another heartbreak, was this for the best, was she destined to be alone forever. She closed her eyes and inhaled for as long as she could, then she open her mouth as if to let all the pain come out, maybe she could exhale all of the pain that the last week has brought, maybe she can exhale him out of her system.
He was inlove with that girl from Europe anyway, and he never hesitated reminding her that, so how can she think that he could have any feelings for her, he was too wrapped up with that other girl, in fact like her there were two people in his life confusing him, and tearing his heart in two. She wanted to shout great so like him there were these two other people in her life. Maybe he thought she would be the right one, out of all these wrong ones or maybe he had already sworn her off his life for not coming, maybe he was just another heartbreak waiting to happen, she was better off not seeing him, he probably wouldn't have like her anyway, he probably would have taken one look at her and decide she wasn't good enough, she walked out of the cafe and headed towards the harbour. Who was she fooling, there is no excuse she needed to see him, for now she will forever wonder What if?
She walked into her room, she can't bear to turn the computer on, coz she will see his name there, and it will be hard to not say hello, for days she avoided her computer like the plague, she tried to keep busy, tried to forget that weekend, tried to forget him. She still catches herself trying to call him, but she is too embarrased, too ashamed for not calling. It's true the longer you leave it, the harder it gets, until one day you've lost all courage to be able to do it at all. She would look at his site to see any hint of how he felt, but no sign, until today when she saw that he had moved on, he was loving someone again? Was it the girl from Europe? She read and felt the sorrow in his words still. She was happy for him at least he is no longer wondering. It was clear though she knew she had to apologize, apologize and explain, just explain everything, he had a right to know the truth, he deserved an explanation. But she knew that no amount of apologizing and explaining would help her, for she will forever wonder What IF?
She sat down and wrote the apology, and tried to explain everything, maybe he won't understand, maybe he will ignore her, maybe he will brush it off, but then she already wrote it, and she said she wouldn't erase it once it was written, she always said she wanted it to flow through her fingers like it was suppose to, so she debated whether to email this or post it and hope he finds it on her site, but its not important how he gets to read it, at least he has a chance at an answer, but she will continue to wonder what IF?
Still I said I would send her a copy of some of the stories I wrote in the last 3 year in 2 weeks (yeah! I know she asked why it would take that long too?) It's coz I still need to sift through a whole 3 years worth of journal entries to find the stories I wrote before. 
at times you never laid a finger on me, for I know now that must have taken unbelievable patience. Ima this site is not big enough to tell the world how much you mean to me, suffice to say no one will ever come close to the love I have for you. Many people will touch my life and be a part of it if only for a moment or more, but you will be the one I will forever cherish, because not only are you my mother, the one who gave life to me, the one I owe my life to, but most all, everything good that I have in my life I owe to you. Happy Ima Day to the most wonderful mother in the world.
Dax Goodnight.
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