This is ....

I received a message from an old friend today, and it was so uplifting to hear from someone whom you admired from your past.  I remember Trixie from when I was just 15 years old, she was the first Filipina I ever met at our school, and she was older than me and was so different from me.  I was the typical short haired asian girl with no fashion sense and no makeup and I was so plain to say the least, so when she arrived looking like a million dollars I felt even more plain, she was sexy with hair and face looking perfect, compared to her I was an ugly boy HA! HA!HA! no joke dude I wanted to be just like her.  She was this sexy lab assistant that my male friends would ask me to introduce them to.  I was so young and naive then, and worse still I knew nothing about being a woman, no one taught me how to be!  I looked at her and wished I looked like that.  Worse still I saw David my life long crush really liked her, so I was even more determined.

She had the most beautiful hair and the prettiest face, she walked with confidence and she had that presence.  I look at myself now and I see her then, she really made a difference in the way I viewed beauty.  I had always wished to be the smart, pretty girl and that one day I would have someone admire me, and that I could make a difference.  I feel I have that now.  I feel I make a difference in the people whose lives have touched mine.  Funny how the world turns around huh?  She was my inspiration. She was always so nice to me that I wanted to be just like her. She was the more modern, smarter, prettier, sexier version of me.  She always had fun and she was always trying to bring me out of my shell.

I look at her today and I realized she was only 2 years older than me, yet it felt like we were from such different eras.  I smile as I see that her life and mine might have taken a different route, but we are both happy.  She has been married now for almost 10 years, and 2 children in tow, and she is happy.  I took my career before anything else, and although I only have one daughter, she has been the only one I ever needed, she is unbelievably amazing and I am inlove with her, she changed my life!. Last year for the longest time I felt that something was missing because I still haven't found the man of my dreams,  too many dishonest, and wrong time yadah yadah! 

Today more than ever I really began to appreciate who I am and what I have.  I have my intellect, my career, my family, my daughter, my friends and I am a good person with a true heart. My looks will fade and maybe they already have, but I will always have all that I have now.  I have more than most.  I have experienced and learned so much.  I am blessed without conviction.  I am here, alive and I live my life in honesty, always real to myself and then to others.

My dreams have come true and I came a long way.  I finished my studies even as a single parent, and I brought up my daughter on my own.  I have proven myself time and again that I can love with all my heart.  I am strong despite every obstacle and I still believe despite every failed attempt at love.  I never settled for anything less than what I deserved, and if I have to be alone forever to find it, then it shall be.  Did I say that?  Whooa that was me...I said that (HE! HE!)  *pats self on back* 

Did you hear that WORLD??  I never settled!! I never will, so there

Thank you to RS for sending me such a sweet message, writing my thoughts here really helps me so much, and when I hear it helps others then that is an amazing bonus that I am lucky to be blessed with.  To have someone say that your words are awesome is a really great feeling, so thank you to everyone who remains a big part of my journal, in your words and in your grace I am inspired!

"Nothing's impossible and dreams come true!"  Listen to the song and believe for you have all that you desire within your reach and all that you want to be is already there in your heart.  YOU are who you choose to be!  ~BELIEVE!!~ 

pssttt......... *whispers* nite nite 

.

Just....

 

This poem is dedicated to my friend's daughter Carlie, she is deaf and mute, but she can tell you stories that will make you laugh till you pee your pants, she has the brightest smile and the warmest hugs. Meeting her inspired me to learn Sign language, way back when I used to live in England.  Whenever I begin to feel sorry for myself I think about the people who've survived far worse than I ever had to, and it inpires me.  Take the time to remember what is good in your life, more so when things are going wrong.  You will always find someone worse off than you and its a fact! 

"No one can change your life except for you!"  Words to live by......

Goodnight and Godbless  

I'll

New years resolutions in tow, time to welcome a new era, a new chance to fulfill every dream, a new take on every circumstance, new people, new experience, new goals, new ambitions, new mistakes, new lessons, new interests, new melodies, new dances, new.......well I'm sure you already knew!

Let's welcome the new good stuff, and leave behind the rubbish, garbage, dirt, crap (he!he!), and let's keep the good memories, good times, good lessons, good health, good friends, good love, good feeling, and the goodness that resides in our hearts.

This year for me comes with more positive vibes, no putting up with CRAP from anyone, and I am more confident, more determined and I am about to kick some major ass in all aspects of my life.  My New Year resolution for the year is to be more PRO-ACTIVE, and no im not talking about the acne products.  I mean just doing instead of talking.  Notice I disappeared, well it was for my own good.  I took time for me, to be me, and to get things done, Xanga is great but its not the beginning and end of it all, my friends are great most times but they are not the ones responsible for me, I AM!!!  So I sat down with me, we had a really good talk, she kicked me hard I kicked back and we agreed to just get on with it, no more feeling sorry BLAH BLAH.  Just get on with it, sit on your butt and tell yourself how hard your life is, and you found a depression pill all on your own.  Get up and fight and you will find nothing and no one will stop you, its a fact of life. 

So just breakaway from it all.  We spend so much time dealing with other people.  If we can take the time to talk to others and set up agreements with other people, then surely we can do the same with our own selves.  I always live in hope when people ask me about my New Years resolutions, but hope is not all, there has to be motivation, there has to be desire to get things done.  We all start with the best of intentions but more than 70% fall by the way side.  I have learned that to achieve a goal you have to set a direction as in where you want to be.  For example if you want to stop smoking, then make that your destination, then plan your journey and make allowances for bad roads and bumps and even road works ahead.  In other words be prepared.  So this year no, half ass resolutions for me, there will be no... I will make a resolution just because everyone is, and no...well I tried but uhhhmm! 

This year I want to plot a course, a whole road, that will lead me from where I am today all the way through to where I want to be!!  As in not just a resolution for the whole year, but small resolutions everyday and every week.   If you set a goal, set it in small doses with the overall outcome being something big.  Take small steps. Think of it this way.  When you were small.  You did not get up from the cot and start running.  You had to learn to support yourself first, then you learn to roll, then came crawling, after which came bum shuffling for some (LOL)...and then...only then came walking and finally running.  Small steps but meaningful steps.

One more thing to remember is that, you don't need the New Year to set your resolution, you can do it in December and carry through for as long as you need to. A resolution is a permanent change, not part time till its lost its novelty.  Breakaway from the norm, breakaway from the cult and breakaway from the hoards of people who fail their resolutions every year.  Just Breakaway from breaking the promises that you make with yourself. So with that final note.  I'm off to make my resolutions solid, see you all next entry.

Nite Guys!  I did miss you all, more than I should admit

She walks past that white gate and lays the white flowers on the marbled stone, its a never ending dream that haunts her still.  It's been over 10 years since the day she heard. She kneeled and laid down on the ground, looking up at the sky she uttered

"How are you?  I miss you so much.  It's been over 11 years since we saw each other.  What is it like there?  I miss talking to you.  I miss hearing your voice.  It's been so long huh?  I wonder if you can see me still, if you are now the one guarding me for all time.  I feel so much wiser.  Luna is getting older, she grew so fast, i'm still unsure if I am doing the right parenting, but I am learning everyday.  She is still so amazingly clever, so cheeky and so affectionate.   I see her and remember the day when you passed away, two days before she was born when you just faded from my life.  I miss you so much.  I spent most of yesterday crying, it still haunts me and no one really knows how bad it still hurts to just know you are gone. 

I am still here, still fighting to survive, still giving it all that I have, still staying positive and still wishing you were around.  So much has happened since I last wrote to you last year.  I am still in Cali, and she and I have gone through so much, but we understand each other better.  I love her now more just as much as I love you, who knew huh?  I used to spend so much time envious of her, now I'm just glad to be with her, she is amazing.  I know you'll be shocked since I never used to talk about her much to you, but she is.  She and I have found a new understanding of each other, so much hurt from the past, but the future is a new era, filled with better memories, if we choose it to be.  I know what sister means now, and in time I hope we will have what you and I used to have, remember that understanding we always had without words, yeah I want to have the same thing with her.

I still wish you never went out that night and that you never had that accident, maybe you would be alive right now.  I still wish I could visit your grave even for just one day.  I still long to talk to you rather than write you these letters.  I still feel guilty for wishing that the other male father figures in my life could have died instead of the one whom I loved the most.  That sound bad huh?  There's honesty for you, not always a pretty picture.

Lovelife haha! yes I am still as unlucky as before, but its not as bad as last year, remember THE RAT, oh my he was a jerk and a half huh!  Yeah well I forgot about him in time, and I have met some good men, and although I thought (notice I said thought) I had met the one in them, there was always a reason.  There was the one who was too far away, was perfect in every sense, and he had everything I had always dreamed of, but as usual circumstances came in between and he walked away, he even did it for the perfect reason too (he did it for my happiness), which sucks even more.  Then there was "I have a best friend who loves me" guy, he was almost, but I walked away because I could not bear to hurt his best friend, and I dont think he could either.  Let me see?? who else, ah there was also the one who loved me so much and yet managed to cheat even just once, he was a good guy, just too insecure.  Then there was the religious one who I was so sure to be a keeper, but he was just as undecisive as a wheel of fortune.  There was the tall guy who was a little too arrogant so I kicked him to the kerb fast.  There was the I have a girlfriend but I love you guy, enough said huh!  You know me I never steal another man, its too demeaning and its a stupid mistake to try.  So there you go my love life summed up for the whole year, yes I am sure most of the time you were watching me through all of those.  I have come a long way, and I am not the same girl that used to take crap and I no longer fool myself into believing it could work, in fact at the first sign of something blatant that I dont like in them I walk away, maybe I'm wrong but for now it helps me protect my heart.  I just believe that I deserve better, and I'm not willing to settle for anyone who is not on the same wavelength let alone the same planet.

Is it really so much to ask someone to have honesty, intergrity, strength and be loyal.  Looks dont really matter, although I wont lie that it would be nice.  I have considered even men whom my friends mock because of their looks (Dana being the worst at this LOL!).  I just believe wisdom, integrity, spirituality and honesty are more important than anything.  Who really knows ey! I've stopped analyzing, it doesn't make a difference.

There I go rambling on.  I just feel that a year is a lot to sum it up.  Most of the time when I write entries on all my journals I imagine you read them from up there, and as you look down, you are proud of me in your own way.  I'm still learning, always learning, but I am so much more this year than ever before.  I thought I had grown up so fast, but this year came a blinding self reflection that really shook the very foundation of my inner self.  This year has been a hard and tough time but its given me renewed strength and an even bigger desire to keep going and it has been a journey of understanding of who I am and who I want to be.

I miss you so much, yesterday was your birthday and I cried in secret, but I still cried, every year I cry for the brother who was my there as a father, a brother, a protector, a guide, a true bestfriend.  I cry for the life you could have led, and I cry for the family of your own that you never had.  I cry for the love you already had but never got to spend your life with.  I cry for the children that you never had.  I cry for our mother who misses you still.  I cry for my sister who knew you better than anyone.  I cry for my niece who misses you so much.  I cry for my daughter whom you have never met.  I cry for the lost that we will always feel now that you are gone.  I cry because I know you are safe now.  I cry for the man who showed me what perfect imperfection meant.  I cry.....

I love you.... See you soon....."

With that she stood up and walked away from the marble stone, and past that gate. NO goodbyes, never can she say goodbye. Its still hard to say goodbye...

Only Time

It's been a fast paced week,  so much to write about yet only one point really plays in my mind.  I love the picture above, its designed from my favorite film Sweet November.  I love the diversity that they both have, the complete opposite way of living and the discovery that they found in life and each other.  I'm still a sucker for a love story, but this one did not have a happy ending, it still had a good ending though.

How do you know when its right?  How do you know when its time?  When do you take that final step?  Like is full of questions, and some of them are really hard to understand, let alone answer.  I think that in life and in love time really helps.  I find that I was able to heal all on my own, and although it never dissappears, you learn to deal with it better.  Finally I can say I began to move on, now I am able to just open my hands and let go.  It's as if all the hurt and pain and confusion was trapped within me, and only when I opened my heart and my hand, did I feel a sense of peace. 

I cannot believe just how much is happening. I have been writing, but mostly private, but I will be making a protected list soon, to publish at least those writings I had kept private since March.  I managed to finish our business site, more on this next entry.

I think about Christmas and rejoice for this is the time when families get together.  I feel like I have met some amazing friends and they are so much my family.  I still miss my mom and my sister will be home tomorrow, thank goodness.  I never realized how much she did, until she left, now I have a new profound respect for her.  Some new friends who I feel so blessed to have met, my little sis T.  You are amazing girl, thanks for being there. 

The picture above is dedicated to my Kabet Malou who never fails to call me for no reason rather than to just say hello.  I miss you Kabet.  I love you very much.  Belated Happy Birthday to you. I'll be home soon.

Its time for bed.  Please take the time to appreciate the people who are around you and who play an important part in your life, however small, you will be suprised at how easy it is to say a heartfelt thank you, but more importantly how amazing it feels to be appreciated.  Make sure you let those you love know just how much you love them.  Nothing should ever be taken for granted in this world, for no one knows what the future holds......Only time.

Nite  

To be....

I wish I could understand
what kind of a man
I now am longing to find
it seems so hard to cross the line

So hard to trust again
a broken heart to mend
a frail trust to show
an insecurity in tow

I want to just break free
from the sweet memory
of love as I want it to be
and again believe in We

to remember that it does come true
that out there is me and you
and if I keep holding on
I will never be alone

I need to remind myself to breath
and pull more strength underneath
this metal shell I now reside in
let hope and love still win

I am trying so hard to just believe again
But there is only me to attend
No one to help me understand
No one to hold my hand

I keep fighting to learn
trying to stop the yearn
No more prince and fairy tale
No more cries and silent wail

No more happy every after
Just useless romantic banter
No more Once upon a time
Just words from a mime

Like a needle in a field of hay
A star in the light of day
A penny for a dry well
and to the deaf a faint yell

Right now I am not as positive
and today I have nothing to give
does it really suprise you so?
to find I was human though

Alone is not so bad
no one to annoy you a tad
no one to insult you someday
no one to again walk away
no one to make life complicated
no one with an ego inflated

Just you and your comfy clothes
and your real self exposed
but then you wonder if it could ever be
and you are back to that stupid mystery.

Zeliah copyright 2004

Have you ever felt that way?  Do you ever wonder why even when you have so many people who talk to you, and men/women who try to win your heart, still you feel alone. That feeling inside your heart that lingers until the right person comes along.  The one who helps you smile, who reminds you how good life can be.  The one who never has to tell you they love you, for with everything that they do it shows.  The one who knows you better than you know yourself.  The one who is never afraid to be real to you. I do! I know how it feels to be alone, so alone that your own thoughts deafen you.  So alone that you miss your own happiness. Alone yet sorrounded by so many.  Ironic to say the least.

I consider myself lucky.  I have so many friends and a few admirers to speak of but still there is that emptiness that haunts me, that all too familiar sensation of fear as it runs accross my heart, reminding me of what could have been and what I still long for.  That fear that holds me prisoner of my own past.  The fear that ignites all self doubts and insecurities that I swore to forget.

I always want to meet people who can withstand every obstacle and every trial for I know it takes tremendous strength to do so.  I long to hear what pulls them through, what keeps them going when all else fails. What they deem important when positivity has left their hearts. 

I was just thinking out loud, can you hear me though?  can YOU?

Rainbow...

Its been so long huh?  I've been concentrating on catching up with work, being ill has left me with a mountain of work to get through, not to mention I started my virtual volunteering project, which means I volunteer to help using skills that I already have via the internet.  I was hesitant at first , because I had spent so much time being a volunteer tech support in the computer chat room that I know taking on other volunteer work meant having to leave them.  I had been helping there for 3 years now, and it has made me so much wiser and even though I was helping other people, the experience has taught me so much about the different problems that we could face with computers, from hardware to software.  I will miss them so much.

This new virtual vounteer project was so much more than I could ever imagine, and the work is just as varied, from web design, to newsletter and brochure designs to building databases for Dolphin sanctuaries in Hawaii.  I know, I know it sounds like I've filled my plate full of work again, but this is different, this is not for my unskilled overpayed boss who loves to take credit for my work, this work is to help both man and animals alike, its learning yet again, but helping all the same.  I LOVE IT, ok let me say that again I LOVE IT!!!!  More when I actually complete the work.  So far I have been accepted on all the projects I applied for bar one, which I need to send a resume for, but still I am so excited.  Can you tell?

This morning I woke up to a house that was missing the most important part of it, and that would be my sister.  She went back home to the Philippines for a reunion, and the house isn't the same.  I stood at the airport yesterday night wishing I could go with her, or just go back to London, even for 2-3 weeks.  I miss my life before.  I miss my friends, heck I miss the gym there, even my neighbours.  I am happy for when you miss someone it means you can still feel, and when you long it means you are still able, able to love, able to care, able to feel. ALIVE!

The airport always has that sad aura to it, at least the departure lounge does.  It lingers with damp emotions, with quiet goodbyes and held back tears that leave you with that huge lump in your throat. The cold metal that sorrounds it further re-iterates the icy atmosphere that cuts through any happy thoughts you once held within.  I want to go back to the Philippines so bad for so many different reasons, and most importantly to see my mom and visit my brothers grave for the first time.  It's been 10 years since he died and when I look at Luna the more I feel the need to go.  I need to see him again, the one man who I loved more than most was my brother, for he was my father, my brother, my defender, and bestfriend.  S*#T !!!! I still can't talk about this.

So many things happening, even Ronny is leaving, the hate campaign got to him and he is leaving Xanga.  So much hate and so much anger, and he did ask me what to do, and all I could say was stay.  He was a good person to me, sure he had his own annoying ways but he really wanted to help, and so many people benefited from reading his entries too.  I know there are so many accusations about him, but I knew him as someone different from that, he was there as a friend when I needed someone.  I just wish he would stay, but I know that sometimes all you can do is walk away.  I feel like emotions are overflowing within me.  Life really does keep moving, even when you find your own thoughts standing still, life just keeps moving, never stopping for a moment. 

I stopped writing for a while, and here comes being true to myself.  The reason why I stopped writing?  I lost my inspiration.  I lost the desire to share my thoughts.  So many broken hearts, and friends that had to be let go off.  Letting go of Jerome was hard because he sacrificed his own feelings to give me what he thought I wanted, and what I thought I wanted too, but now I know I want so much more.  I had to let go of friends and loved ones too for their own happiness.  Sometimes we all sacrifice.  I miss so many people and just as people walk away and I walk away from them, more and more arrive, and I feel so confused, yet happy.  I am so used to being the one to sacrifice for the one I love, that it becomes almost inevitable, but to meet someone who was willing to sacrifice his happiness for me, was harder to accept than I thought.

I guess I felt guilty and I was going through such a hard time that I didn't want to write it down.  I couldn't see anything positive about everything that was happening, and for a person like me that was hard to accept.  I had lived my life trying to find something positive in everything and everyone, and forgot that sometimes acceptance is all thats needed.  I just need to forgive myself for hurting others whether intentionally or not.  I need to keep walking forward, learn that sometimes it just isn't meant to be, no matter how much you want to it be.  Just walk away and let go, just let go.

I've looked at it from both sides now, the end of the tunnel is insight and I can almost feel the warmth of the sun. The flicker of the light is getting closer, and tomorrow did come.  I got through, and what got me through?  Well there was Luna, my family, my friends (that would be all of you too!) and most importantly God! My faith gave me the strength I had never deemed possible.  My friends will tell you I never ever ever ask for help.  When things go wrong I need to be alone and gain momentum to deal with it all.  It took a while but I got through.  I am doing ok, and I am glad to be back, as in really back.  I missed you all more than you know. 

Thank you to everyone who checks this Xanga often just to check if I update, from Steve, Tiffany, Tony, Teresa, Ronny, Kynan, Torie, Gaz, Laura, Barney, Eric, Don, Francisca, King, Shannon, Amanda and those who dont comment all the time but check, yes I see you LOL! Thank you for coming .  Thank you for taking the time to read and keep an eye on me.  You really make such a difference in the way I see Xanga, and the friendship I feel when I am here is amazing, heartwarming but most of all sincere.

Its afternoon, time to take a walk outside, and just feel the sun, remind myself that in life the simplest things are what truly mean the most.  Thank you Primo for reminding me that it is not the time we spend but how we spend it.  It is not the amount of time you have, its what you do with it.  Like what we have been blessed with in life, its not how much money, or looks you have its what you do with it. 

So now, you can all stop reading this and go spend your time wisely.  Before you go.... Thank you for being a part of my life.  I mean it thank you for helping me with your kind words and your concern and genuine friendships.  I am very grateful for it.

She's Alive....

It has been so long huh.  I know I missed you all.  Some of you missed me and even wrote me emails to ask if I was ok.  Thanks Gaz, Tony, Liz, Amanda, Don, Dee, Eric and of course Nai, for checking up on me either by email or by phone.  It has been a really, really gruelling 2 weeks, a lot has happened and being ill hasn't helped.  I thought I ought to say hello to everyone, just to let you all know I am ok.  I just needed the rest.  I need the time to recover from it all.  I still feel weak, but I am getting better by the day.  I started my Nanowrimo (Objective-->to write a novel in one month) today, and I will share as soon as I get the plot straight in my head.

I saw this {see picture above) today when I went to check my sitemeter, and decided that if the US government  itself is checking up on me to make sure I am okay, then maybe I should write something. LOL!  Anything!!  I'm just kidding.  I wonder who that is??

I guess thats all for now.  Thank you so much.  I am off to check up on all of you.  To everyone whose birthday I missed and wasn't able to greet them.  Happy Birthday to Ernie on November 2, hope you had a brilliant day.   Happy Birthday to Stephanie on the 5th of November, hope you had a great party today sweetheart.

I will leave you with a song that will always remind me of a special person.  I want to write more but I really need to rest. 

Nite nite

blah blah