Again

Its been  more than a month, how time seems to fly by, so much has happened.  Friends have come and gone, and the ones that are worth keeping showed themselves.  You will know who your real friends are when things go wrong and they stay beside you.  I am blessed in every sense of the word.  I have a mother who understands and accepts me no matter what.  I have a sister who supports me no matter what happens, and cares for me in ways I am only just realizing.  I have a daughter who loves me like I have never been loved before.  I have friends here and all over the world that I can call on to help me or just be there to listen if I need to talk to someone.  In less than two months I will turn 30 and people ask me if I feel old or if I feel like my twenties was ill spent.  I feel the same as before, except now I'm wiser.  I am still the same girl that used to climb trees, just to get fresh fruits, and still the same woman striving to learn, to be better, to be a good mother.  I am still me.  After every mistake and every heartache, every single pain and obstacle.  I got through. 

I spend a lot of time listening to VH1 Soul and hence this song, listening to Faith Evans sing this song, made me reflect on my life.  If I had a chance to do it all again, would I make it easier, would I take away the abuse, the bullying, getting beaten up?  Would I avoid the broken hearts and hold off on the pain?  I realized that even though things were hard and there were times when I felt I would not be able to cope.  I wouldn't change a thing, because with every fall was a renewed strength to get up and keep walking tall.  With every pain I was blessed with bliss in the joy that my daughter has given me day after day.  With every hurt was an assuring touch from those whom I love and who love me.  I would not change a thing, because I would not be where I am now if it wasn't for my past.  We are a product of those who sorround us and the circumstances that shape us. It is up to us what kind of product we want to be?  There is always a choice even when its not obvious.  We make our decisions and we have to live our lives as best we can for only then will we fulfill our destiny.

I would do it all again. The only thing I would change is my attitude towards it all.  If given the chance next time around I will be smiling through it all, because no matter what no one can take that away from you.  Smile, dust your shoulders off and walk tall.  You are god's gift to this world, we all are and if you really are true to yourself you would realize just how amazing you really are.

Just to show that I haven't been sitting on my butt all month.  I will share with all of you what I have been working on all this time

First off the NEW zeliah dot com, as you can see on the picture above.  It took months to put together and I wanted to launch it on my birthday July 14, kind of a birthday present to myself I guess.  More on that as it progresses, for now you will be able to see the mock version by clicking the image above.

Next is Optimum Designs which is also due to launch in August, this has been a year long dream of mine.  A Web Design company that came about from the many web sites that I created during my online volunteer project with Volunteer Match. 

I spent the whole month decorating also, but those pictures will have to wait till next time.  Here is a sneak preview though

And finally the reason why I would do it all again is none other than my baby girl. Although she is growing up so fast, she will always be my baby.

Would you do it all again if you had the chance?

In my heart

There are secrets that must always be kept. 
There are times when I want to scream them out
There are days when I can swear I feel you
There are days when you are so far away
There are those who know what lies in my heart
There are those who will never understand
There are days when I want to be free of your memory
There are moments when I can't forget you
There were so many things I wanted to say
There were not enough words to express them all
There are times when I look at pictures and reminisce
There is always one that you will surely miss
There are memories that come once in a lifetime
There are chances that can never be found once lost
There is still that doubt in my mind, was I right to let you go
There is no way to know the answer
There was always a question why it faded away
There is a love that will always stay.
There is an empty space in my heart, and
There is you!

Only time knows the value of love....

There is always one that you can never forget.  One that will be imprinted in your heart forever.  For me that was you!

I Decide

Who knew huh?  I only just realized I am a 29 year old living like a child, living a life tied to many mistakes, still paying for mistakes that I made way back when, for falling in love with a jerk and ruining my life and giving up all that I had.  Still feeling guilty and being told how stupid and useless I am.  How irresponsible and how utterly bad I am both as a mother and a person. 

Today I realized for the very first time that I let too many people tell me what I can or cannot do! Who I am and what I am allowed to be!  I got through and never died all those times that I struggled as a single parent and yet I never realized how strong I am and who I really can be.

I forgot who I was and who I used to be, it only took one lying lowlife to break my confidence and make me believe that my own judgement can't be trusted and to this day I forgot that I can make my own decisions, because I am old enough to do so.  I forgot that I actually am an adult and that no one can stop me from doing what I want to do.  I forgot that I was always free.  I just couldn't be free from my own self doubt, my hesitation towards my own judgement.

Today I know no one has the right to tell me what I am allowed to do, and the only way to be free is to stand on my own two feet and live as myself, by myself, and be in control of my own life again. Today I make a decision that I knew I needed to make way back when. 

I did say that being true to myself was the way to go, so here it goes.  No more allowing my dad to prolong this citizenship application, no more being nice and allowing him to dodge his responsibilities both as a father and as a human being, time to get my lawyer to earn his fee!  I am so sick of people who think they can say and do what they want without consequences.  So to my biological father, if you are reading this, now you will see who I am and what makes me proud of my mom.  It's because she was a fighter and nothing ever broke her, and more than anything no matter what happened she always stood up and took responsibility, can you say the same I wonder?  Yeah im sure not!

As for the rest of the people in my life, expect to see some changes.  Those who care will stay and accept and those who leave, well that is up to you.  This is my life I make all the decisions. No more listening to everyone else, that is how I got myself in this mess in the first place, listening to someone else tell me what they think I ought to do with my life.  Time to make decisions for me, and if I fail then at least I know I tried and no matter what nothing will hold me down.

You can only push someone down so far, after that they bounce back up, its sods law.  I need to stop letting people take the piss and take advantage.  I know that its going to be so hard to break away and stand alone, but I also knew that, when I decided to be a single parent, so I am not a stranger to a tough path.  I just need to be an adult again.  I need to be me again, she got lost along the way. 

I guess what I am trying to say is this.  When you let other people take some of your responsibilities, then expect them to take some or all of your rights too.  In order to make your own decisions in life, you have to take charge and act like an adult, don't let anyone push you around or dictate you or tell you what you can or cannot do.  If you want to be free then step up and as we say everyday in the gym.  "MAN UP"  Stop whining and get on with it, don't let anyone or anything stop you, not even yourself.  Remember that in this life, you should only depend on yourself, that way you never have to answer to anyone but yourself.  It took a while for me to realize that I had set myself up for the life that I have.  Now is the time for me to fix it, and  stand on my own.  What I thought would be easy was harder to swallow after all.  Now its time to break away and live my life the best way I can. 

Time to be an adult and get some sleep.  I have to be up early tomorrow.

Nite

A love that was almost forever
We almost had it all
An attraction hard to sever
I never thought I would fall

You just took over my senses
and captured my heart
Held me in an instance
Our chemistry like an Art

That paints with the most vivid colors
Brushed with long silken hair
Our canvas wider than distant shores
Sketched with heavenly flair

I will always remember you this way
so now let me go and set me free
Help me start to fly far away
to fulfill my ultimate destiny

You will always be here next to me
etched in sweetest memory
In my heart we were both free
Lets end this love story

While it is still untainted
We both know it can never be
we should have never waited
It could have been you and me

Making vows and living as one
A story that barely begun
An ending as sure as the sun
There are things that cant be undone

Farewell to you who knew me best
Farewell to a love full of kindness
Farewell to a bond built of sweetness
We were destined for happiness

I know that this will hurt you
and as I nurse my heart too
I will know one thing to be true
I'll always love you

I want to say thank you for helping me
remember how strong I can be
helping me to learn once again
that I am force to contend

A strong woman with more courage than you
Determined and always able to pull through
that nothing you can say will ever break me
because i've been through most of it, see!

I have been broken and abused in every way
Been beaten and hurt back in the day
Been mocked and insulted just for being me
You think I'm scared of your epiphany?

You don't know me at all
The person set to make me fall
Hasn't been born yet
and that loser will regret

The day that we meet
Kneel and  kiss my feet
Beg me for forgiveness
Watch me as I laugh at weakness

Thank you for reminding me
that I am braver than you will ever be
That the fruit can move far from the tree
Able to be all that she can be

There is nothing that you can do
with each obstacle I grew
stronger than ever before
now able to endure

Let me be clear I dont see you as my foe
You mean less to me than a John Doe
I have nothing but pity for you its true
still for teaching me of how not to be I thank you

Reality is ......

Its hard to please people, it is even harder to do everything right for everyone, but you will find that the best way is to do what is right in your heart.  I always look unto the horizon trying to gauge what happened, why me ? Blah blah (usual self pity drone).  Trying to find the answers, and only now did I figure it does not matter what anyone thinks of you, whether they like you or not, as long as you can look in the mirror and you like who you are.  It does not matter how many times people judge you because no one knows you best.  It does not matter how many hurtful words are said to you,  your self definition of you must come from within. 

I have been spending a lot of my time with a group of women who are reading the bible, they don't belong to a religion per se, but they read the bible and they try to understand what lies within it, and for someone like me who never ever read the bible before, it is enlightening to say the least.  I'm the first to shy away from religion because I believe my relationship with God must always be personal, a relationship that has its up and down but is based on love;  but these women are simply heartwarming, and spiritually motivating.   It wasn't so long ago that I began to lose my faith.  I was hurting so bad that I forgot to ask for help from the one who could help me the most.  I turned away from everything and everyone and from my beliefs.  Imagine being so down that you think that there is nothing more than what you have, yep been there, done that.  Spending time with them gave me the hope I never dreamed I could find again, they reminded me what faith in God can mean.  Most of the people I talk to say they believe in God.  Now I know anyone can say that they believe in God, but when you know God in your heart, only then will you find real peace.  Its that part of you that never hesitates to accept people, the part of you that does things wholeheartedly and unselfishly, and the presence within you that helps you to be more, a peace unlike anything you will ever know.  It is a peace untold and an enlightment ever so bright. 

It is when you can be with your enemy and offer him peace. It is when you can set aside your pride, your ego and your own self pity to find a way to reach others.  In my case its when I can accept what is going on and make an even bigger effort to please those who I claim to love.  Its about writing a letter to my dad offering him my love and respect as his daughter rather than walking away from him and listing everything he ever did wrong to me in my life or should I say everything he never did.  Its about accepting and forgiving with an open heart, its about letting go of all the pain, all the heartache, all the hurtful words, all the hurtful actions and letting the hatred go, and starting anew.  Its about being at peace with my own heart and then inviting everyone to join me in my newfound peace.  Its about choosing to live without the drama that comes with keeping scores.

So today I sit and write to all of you and share what I have learned in the past two weeks, and that is forgiveness and acceptance,  be free of the hurt, of the hatred and of the pain that comes from letting other people affect who you are and what you can be.  Hear what they say about you and if it is to tell you about how bad you are, then don't listen, don't pay attention, let it passed through and land on the floor, where it belongs.  Be careful not to judge others too, because that is a sure sign of who you really are,  because you will find that those who have so many bad things to say about others have more insecurities than most.  Only when you find there is nothing wrong with you, will you have the right to say something about someone else.  Those who say hurtful words are usually the ones hurting the most. 

I want to say thank you first and foremost to Maria who introduced me to the Bible. Ate Grace who helps me understand and takes the time to guide me on my learning, and Ate Lori who is a shining example always and Josephine who humbles me everyday with her dedication and faith.

Last but not least my Gym partner Candra who happens to be one of the most forgiving person I have ever met.  You help me realize each and everyday that in this ordinary life you will meet the most extra ordinary people.  I thought I had a tough life but you remind me that not only have I been luckier than most, you remind me to be strong by your example.  I am grateful I met you for you have truly blessed my life.  I know it will never be the same again for I have met a woman who overcame more than most and lives her life still giving and never giving up.  I know you say there is so much I can teach you, but in reality you teach me each and everyday by just being the person that you are.  You are one in a Trillion Candie!

Another long entry from me, but hey that's me, what can I tell you    I am not here to convince anyone else, because I have learned through others that when the time is right you will find your own way to him.  He is real, don't just say you believe, take the time to learn and really understand, then it is not just belief, it is knowledge.  Knowledge is more profound, because when you know in your heart that he is with you, nothing will ever break you, for you have someone very powerful always watching over you.  God is real, and he is all that you will ever need to be happy.

God bless You always.

One Year!

Today is the anniversary of my time here in Xanga, and to say thank you I wanted to share what was memorable to me in all that time.

Lets start with

1 voice message for everyone who is a part of this journal. Thank you
12 Xangans to spotlight for their outstanding work. Spotlight page
52 Images from this journal and close to my heart.  Portfolio
365 comments to complete to my subscribers and those whom I subscribe to.

Below are the entries that sum up the whole year for me. My favorite entries, ones that mean the most to me.

Atche = An entry dedicated to my sister, a day I will never forget.  It is true that people will suprise you when you least expect it and sometimes all you need to do is open your heart.

What If = An entry that is close to my heart for various reasons. Farewell O kindred one.  Thank you for a friendship I will never forget, may you always be happy and may god bless you in your life always.  I miss you.

Thank you = My most favorite entry about Luna (Natasha) I love you my baby.  You remain my one true miracle. The one that lights the very path that I thought I would always walk alone.  You are this amazing to me everyday baby.

Time = An entry that to this day I still refer to, in order to remind myself that only I am responsible for me.  That in this life you will find that no matter what happens you always have a choice how to react, ALWAYS! =)

Jade = The entry that paid tribute to my most amazing bestfriend, the one who inspires me and reminds me how lucky I am to have each and everyday that I have in this world I miss you so much, rest in peace Flatfoot!

Goodbye = A conversation with my brother.  This is the first time I ever talked about what must be the most saddest lost in my life so far.  The man I've loved more than any other. You are in my heart always.

To everyone who has made this year so wonderful. I said it before and I am saying it once again, thank you for being here, simply being here.  Here's to many more years of lessons learned, and living life to the very best that we all can.  God Bless you all.

Solving this jigsaw puzzle and posting about this sweepstakes for Big Red makes me eligible for free Xanga Premium for life...

LVe

This entry is for my friends and suitors who've taught me a lot about love and life in the past year alone.  It seems everyone is rushing around to find their one love, just because its Valentines Day.  There is so much pressure to find someone for this one day, and some are just willing to settle for just about anyone, just so they wont be alone.  Its sad that in this day and age, peer pressure can still haunt and force us to adhere to commercialized traditions. All of a sudden men whom you have never met before begin to gain courage to ask you out, and men who never talked to you before are now full of questions, one of them being "Are you single?" LOL!  How many of you heard that in the last month alone?  I won't stereotype because I know us women are just as panicked!  Ahhh that dreaded date for V-Day huh? 

 It has been a long 5 weeks, and the year is still fresh, so I'm sure there is more to come.  Nevertheless since I asked everyone who their Valentine is, then I ought to share who my Valentine is.  My valentine is caring, devoted, a joy to be around, affectionate to adoration, intelligent, loves me unconditionally, never judgemental, forever devoted to me, never lies to me, thoughtful, considerate, truly beautiful inside and out, yep you guess it, my Valentine is my tiny but beautiful Luna.  Are you shocked?  You shouldn't be, lately a lot of men have stepped up to try and take Jerome's place in my heart, but to no avail, because its easy to say words and its easy to promise the world, but actions always speak louder than words, and no one has acted more unselfish than Jerome.

So until I find someone who comes close, then I would rather be alone, settling for something less just so you have someone for this one day of the year is a lie, both to others and to yourself.  I know I tried, but it didn't work, so be true to yourself and never settle for anything less than what you deserve.  So if there is anyone who is at least 6ft, built like a house, honest, loyal, intelligent, not to mention romantic, plus living about 10 miles from Vallejo, please call.....

I'm kidding haha! Ok its time to sleep, please remember that on this Valentines Day, rather than looking for the love of your life, say thank you and spend time with the people who already love you now, whether its your husband/wife, bf/gf, family or friends.  I am lucky I have such good bestfriends and we still exchange gifts even on Valentines Day, because hey I love them and they love me. My family who remind me of how lucky I am everyday yeah I love them a lot.  My luna who I love more than anyone.  This day is a day of love, not a day to be with whoever just so you dont feel so alone, because you will find that when you are with the one whom you don't love or worse still someone who does not love you back, then you are alone, for love must be a shared emotion, for only then is it truly breathtaking.  Watch Hitch btw, it was an awesome movie, either watch it alone or with someone you care for, otherwise it wont have the same magic, because it will open your eyes to what love is suppose to be, it will enlighten you that in this life, two people will fall in love for the strangest reasons, and last forever.  It's a funny, modern and well versed film about love, AWESOME!!

What I am really trying to say is don't rush love, it will come in its own time, believe me it will.  Think of Valentines day as the day to celebrate the love you should have for yourself and the love that you already have around you, from the people who care for you the most.  Think of it this way "Never look towards the horizon for what may come, instead focus on what's in front of you, past is yesterday and the future is tomorrow, present is here and now, think about them accordingly" 

"Don't look for love, don't you know that love will find its way to your heart..."   in time

Nite nite   Enjoy your day of love....

I was just listening to this song and I suddenly realized that this song describes how I feel every time.  It's true when we are hurt so bad, we begin to doubt our self worth, and our own decisions.  They say that the one who ends the relationship recovers faster.  UHHMM YEAH! of course, because that person more than likely already prepared for the outcome.  Why is it though that it only takes one mistake to make you wary.  I guess wary is good, it means that we are learning.  I remembering hearing once in a song that "its not ok to have your heart broken, but dont take it out on the next one."  If I was to be honest to myself I know that with each heartbreak was a lesson learned and an even bigger desire to just protect my heart.  Its human nature, survival instinct, or so they say.  I guess what I realized today was that everybody suffers a broken heart one way or another, but if you don't take that wall down, chances are its lonely behind those walls, the problem with security is that sometimes it isolates you from everything.  Am I babbling, aaahhh I keep running it through my head and I guess put simply it is this.  When your heart is so protected to the point that its housed within a steel wall, you will find that no one is able to break it, but then no one is able to touch it too.  Where is the fine balance?  I believe that its a simple matter of just believing in yourself and believing that one day if you keep trying it will work out.  Nobody ever succeeded in anything through giving up.

When you feel that its right then give yourself a chance, because that feeling when you meet someone that you really like, thats rare! It's not an everyday thing that happens to everyone, be open but open your eyes too.  I still believe in the One for each person in this world, and that one is the one that you deem right for you.  If you never give up, one day you will find that what you are looking for is just around the corner.

Just read the lyrics, and listen to the song, because I think they've explained it better than I ever could.

I guess I am truly stubborn because I refuse to let the past hold my heart prisoner, its bad enough having your heart broken, but when you let them change the way you view yourself, love or others, well that pretty much sucks!  Valentines day is coming close and everyone is more open in order to  find their Valentine.  I wish it would be valentines day everyday, that way this love in the air atmosphere would always stay.  Be honest who is your valentine, go on, don't be shy? You can even email it to me.  I won't tell, not straightaway  unless you ask me to.

Aaahhh nite nite im so tired, sweet dreams