My Sister...

Do you know just how much you mean to me and everyone around you.  That your worth can never be measured in words alone.  The closest I can come to it is to say, you never fail to come through, when you're needed the most, and you do so with understanding.

I know you always say "That's what sisters do"

Let me tell you the way I see it, you seem to go way beyond family obligation I don't know how a person becomes as generous and as selfless as you, but I do know that I am ever so grateful to have you for a sister.

I thank God for the day you were born and I thank you for being just the way you are. Most of all I wanted to say

THANK YOU!

For helping me grow up in every way
For showing me what family means
For understanding me even when I am unbearable
For knowing just when to be there
For caring beyond mere words
For always reminding me whats right
For being my conscience
For guiding me towards the right path
For the things you do no matter how hard
For being a shining example
For the love you show each and every single day
For being my favorite financial institution
For never giving up on me

and to let you know just how much you mean not just to me but to our family, now and always.

Happy Birthday Atche! I LAB U

Edit 9pm If you want to comment, please visit her site and wish her a Happy Birthday instead, thanks  www.xanga.com/lheng823

I love your..

Where does inspiration come from?  For about a year I wrote my thoughts and never hesitated.  It seems a couple of months ago, time and mood and everything else conspired to encourage a writers block that I can't seem to shift.  This is suprising even to me since I just write how I feel.  There is no agenda, no plot, no masterplan, no start and ending.  I just wrote for Luna, and for me I guess put simply I was going through some major drama and didn't feel the need to share the negativity. 

There is something to be said about negativity and positivity.  It's like when you see someone and they are having a bad day, it stands to reason that if they are frowning, it affects your mood too.  Like seeing someone smile or laugh, more often than not it affects your own emotion too.  Try it!

The people around me have played such an integral part in the way I feel, without me even realizing, and I have had a tremendous impact on them.  For weeks now I was wondering whether Luna's irritability was due to the holidays, boredom, blah blah, but part of it is because of me, because I am so miserable all the time.  I'm still as OCD as they get but lately I just could not be bothered by others.  I began to lose my inspiration, and my enthusiasm for a lot of things.  Isn't that terrible? 

I guess it was becoming monotonous.  It was starting to overwhelm me.  Then today...Let me take you back.

So we are lying on the bed, after waking up, and all she said was.  "I have to get you back mom" to which I replied "Yeah right for what?"  She said "you fell asleep last night and when I asked you to cuddle me, you just put out your arms like this and ended up hugging yourself " Laughing now I said "So I did hug someone" Confused she asked "who?" giggling I said "Me" Upon which followed a ticking session with stomachs hurting soon afterwards. Then she said it just, matter of fact like "Its nice to see you laugh Ma" .....Yeah baby its nice to laugh again.

When someone smiles at you, its like a catalyst for your own smile, even when you feel bad, you still try to reflect that smile in your own way.  I wonder what the world would be like if we always tried to give a smile to everyone around us, and what more if we all tried to find a way to make those we love smile. That would be such a great world to be in.  A simple smile can go a long way in helping someone have a better day.  Take the time today to just smile to everyone around you, share the joy. You will be suprised at how happy you feel, once you smile.  You are alive, you have people who love you and whom you love also and thats more than enough to smile about.

Simple things, simple life, simply breathtaking.  My inspiration was always here, it was right here smiling back at me, whenever I smile.  Always reminding me what's important in this world.

Simply amazing.....

La Tortura

I wonder why they keep coming back
Like a broken record with a bad track
I wish they would get the message, aint it clear?
I dumped you coz a real man you were nowhere near!

Could it be coz they know im single
that with them I might again mingle
I choose to be alone coz I haven't met
the man who my heart will never forget

Coming at me with the same lame line
Loser please, I don't have time
I left you coz you had no idea how to be
Worse still you didn't know what you had in me

Now you come, begging me to call your sorry ass
Who wants a repetition of an unmemorable past
You keep saying you wish it wasn't over
Yeah! to me you are a bad leftover

Out of date and out of time
You are barely worth this rhyme
I just wanted to make sure you knew
I aint never coming back to any of you

When I walked away it was forever
and yes that means NEVER
so keep your lame excuses to yourselves
and lay your sorry ass on your shelves

I am not about to turn around
To my self respect I'm bound
When you become an ex its because
to me you are a lost cause

Its easy to walk away when you have someone new
walking away alone is a true breaktrough
Thats when you know that you've grown
You are just fine on your own

So before you send me your cheesy emails
phone calls and sad messages of sorry tales
Please take note I don't want you back
I walk forward only, thats my only track!

Rose

"In the winter, far beneath the bitter snow, lies the seed that with the sun's love, in the spring becomes the Rose"

I sit here today once again wiser.  My friend of 6 years came over from the islands.  Its been such an awakening.  Keoni and I are two peas in a pod.  We believe that true love exist and that there is someone for everyone in this world.  Somewhere along the way I stopped believing that.  I just got sick of the lies and the games and the hurt that came with that expectation, with that risk!  Keoni stayed believing, despite the pain and the could be, and if onlys'  I've only had two hours sleep staying awake with him and the rest of Reno, yet in my mind one thing is clear, between the two of us Keoni is right, he never stopped believing, hoping and its true, faith will take you a long way. 

How many times does your heart need to be broken before you stop trying?  How many times do you need to pick up the broken pieces before you decide to super glue the door shut?  How long must you wait before you stand up and walk away?  I found what I thought was the answer a long time ago.  I sometimes think my standards are too high. Maybe I am just as superficial as the morons I sometime insult, but I have loved even those my friends mock.  Am I being honest to myself?  If I met a man who I knew would love me with all his heart, passionate and kind, with intellect far more than most, yet he didn't fit the picture I painted of the perfect man for me, would I really love him?  Would I allow my heart to just be blind?  If he was all I could ever wish for albeit one point, would I give it a chance? Would you?

I deem myself complete.  I learned that lesson a long time ago.  I searched my heart and soul to find out who I really am, and slowly I began to realize I was pretty cool, and being alone with myself wasn't bad.  I see my friends grieve over another man or woman and it re-affirms my belief not to try anymore, but then someone like Keoni comes along and I question which of the two of us is right?  His heart remains hopeful, always open, and it seems forever longing to find the one.  That is his greatest asset, his heart is still pure.  He thinks he is gullible, and I used to think the same of myself, but in retrospect he is wiser than most, he has learned the true art of love.  To never give up and to believe, truly believe that out there in that vast space, far beyond the horizon and sometimes just sitting on a bench with you, lies the one you've always longed for.

"Imagine finding a Diamond on the road, you are so happy to begin with, then you get into your car and place the diamond on your shirt pocket, you know the Diamond is yours now, so you're happy and you think about all the things you can do now that you have it, you can show this diamond off to your friends, they would be envious for sure, right? Time passes and you get the diamond made into a ring  to put on your finger, you mould it to suit you.  More time passes and the diamond begins to lose it luster, it's novelty, its always there, so predictable, always shiny, always on your finger, not as exciting as before, plus you just saw another Diamond not so long ago, and that one was more beautiful it was better, and so you start thinking that maybe you would be happier with that new diamond.  So you get rid of the previous one, and get the new diamond.  Tell me why I should feel sorry for the diamond? It will stay precious no matter what, it will still shine, and it will still glow, and no matter how many times its cut, it is still a Diamond, and one day that Diamond will find someone who will see its real value, its true worth, and treasure it how its suppose to be treasured.  When a diamond is cut, it is to prepare it for a purpose. Always!.  

Thank you for reminding me that like Diamonds we continue to shine and being cut is one of the  process that leads to our ultimate purpose in life.  May you find the one to lead you to your  8:30 appointment To your destiny.   Aloha wau i'a oe Keoni.  To our friendship, and to forever, thank you for you gift of wisdom.  I will see you soon on the island.  I will bring it home.

30

I can still remember when I used to be 5
I was brave and in every moment I was alive
climbing trees like most boys do
Ooh the horrible things I used to do

Has it been so long ago when I used to cry?
Begging my mother to take me as she waved goodbye
Kicking and screaming outside our door
my grandma picking me up off the floor

It wasn't so long ago that I was 10
I remember that I was really stubborn then
The things I used get up to
Its a wonder but slowly I grew

Then I spent my days happy and carefree
my biggest dillema, a scraped knee
I walked around with a necklace of dirt
I was tough, you wouldn't catch me in a skirt!

Then came the teenage years and lo and behold
pimples and insecurities began to mould
Then came the the attention from boys
Back then I wasn't very good with choice

20 already and I was a mom.
Breath and stay calm!
Now I had to be responsible
Man! she was just adorable

25 and the degree was almost done
working and studying wasn't fun
Did I mention I loved it all
This bundle of joy, however small

I look at the calendar and today 30
Am I too old to party?
I feel like I am still 21
I just changed my idea of fun

Today I am starting my new chapter
In the book that  seems to get better
I am wiser and happier its true
and with each decade I got through

Growing old is a blessing
Each year always affirming
that like tequilla, with warmth and time
you become awesome and truly sublime

I want to say thank you to my family, first and foremost.  To my mom who was the first to wish me.  To my sister and my brother in law who both called, just to wish me.  To my niece who made my day today, with her and my sisters entry.  See you all tonight.  I love you!   Just wanted to add that my sister and my niece both have Xangas now and so please visit them and welcome them here.  My sister www.xanga.com/lheng823 and my niece www.xanga.com/hayzee8.

To  my friends, Ate Lori thank you for the being the best room mate and the presents.  You are heaven sent, and I would be lost without you.  To Jer thank you for being there as always.  To Keoni for sitting 12 hours in an airport to make it in time for my birthday, 6 years and counting Thank you.  To Maria and Ate Grace for calling me to remind me how much you care, thank you.  To Steve who spent time with me to remind me that I need to make time for myself, always caring, thank you. To Kuya Alino, ate Arlene and Steph and Adrienne for never forgetting my birthday no matter how far we are from each other.  I miss you.  To Frank, for the email, thank you. 

To Jigs for the wonderful card, to Jeff for the phonecall and for always keeping me motivated.  To everyone who takes the time to read my words here.  TO Stefano for the birthday wish, and to those who left messages, to the emails that I received, thank you so much. I am ever so blessed.

Let it flow

I passed by today and found you had someone new.
I can't help but wish it was me that was with you
It wasn't so long ago that we made such great plans
The promises we held in each others hands

I wonder if her smile is because of you?
Does she understand how you are a dream come true?
Does she know the passion that lies within?
Does she feel that sensation whenever you grin?

Will she hold you close to her heart?
Give you pure love from the start?
Will she stand by your side when its rough?
Know that the concept of US is enough?

Does she believe that the essence of love is trust?
and that monogamy is most definitely a must?
Will she cushion you when you fall?
Deem you worthy of them all?

Will she hold the string as you strum your guitar?
Close her eyes and dream of you when you are afar?
Can she see eternity as you embrace her so tight?
Like a bad day that with you becomes right?

Will she be patient when you are unbearable?
Enclose you in a relationship thats stable?
Is she commited to the word forever?
Will it be imprinted on your days together?

You see that was what I wished to be for you
That's who you were to me when our love was new
So many have tried to reached my heart, only to fail
Its you and your memory that continues to prevail

I was sure I let you go a long time ago
Yet your voice continues to echo
In this room that remains so dark
Where your eyes became the only spark

When I think of you I will remember to smile
Pray that he will guide you both with each trial
Wish that you will love her just as you once loved me
For you must now stay just a magical memory

I know that with each day I grow strong
With God in my heart I can't go wrong
I pin these dreams on the wings of a dove
And bid you farewell my love.

Believe

I have spent the last weekend with my sister and the rest of the family, and since last week there has been this amazing aura around the whole of us.  It's not unexplainable.  This Wednesday I saw my niece graduate and its an amazing event to watch.  To see someone who means so much to you reach their goal. It's breathtaking!  To know that this young woman is now even closer to reaching her dreams.  My sister has always been an achiever, out of all of us she was the best when it came to education, its no mistake I ended up in I.T. as it was the only thing I was good at, make no mistake, double F in Geography, so pray I never have to guide you anywhere or we will never get there.  Back to my sister, she was always the one who got the honors, and the predictable Valedictorian, so to see my niece achieve the same is no surprise to me.  What was a surprise to me was the pride and the sheer happiness that I felt watching her up there receive what she had worked so hard for.  I rarely talk about my niece because she holds a special place in my heart.  She is the bridge between my sister and I, through her I am able to be closer to my sister in my own way.  We understand each other even though I never had the pleasure of really seeing her grow up and since she is in effect the only one, it was something I always wish I could turn back, but I am lucky for now I get to watch from the front while she becomes the strong intelligent woman I always knew she would be. 

I guess watching her up there reminded me of the time when she would stay awake for hours to complete her work, the days when she would be falling asleep yet she would keep going, only to wake up early to go to school the next day.  The days when even if she was ill she would go to school because it was too important to her.  Someone very wise once told me, "Personality is only a fraction, the rest of who you are is based on the foundation that your parent/s build within you."  I finally understood what my sister was trying to tell me.  No matter who your child is, if you plant a strong and resilient seed within them, it will flourish into something most wonderful. 

You know someone is extra ordinary when even at a young age they teach you about yourself and they lead by example even to those older than they are.  There are days when I hear things from my niece that hit me like a freight train. She once told me "I told my friend I don't need a boyfriend because I have so many people who love me"  Within that sentence lies knowledge so profound.  It is true that if as children we are secured in our environment and we are loved, as in truly loved, we will never put up with anything less than what we have known to be the standard in our homes.   This young woman who is 11 years younger than me, who I can to this very day still remember holding in my arms as a tiny baby, is now wiser and more emotionally secure than I ever was at her age. 

So what have I learned from all this.  Work hard and believe in what you can do.  Never give up and keep going, Whether its in something so small or something big.  Quitters never achieve anything, for they give up too easily.   I know also that some of us are luckier than most, with strong foundations in their lives from their parents, but once you decide that if you have no one to hold you up, so you will hold yourself up, stand tall and keep working towards that dream.  Know that within you lies all that you need to achieve anything that you set your mind to.  Age, sex, race and size has no bearing on achievement, its limitless and it depends only on your determination.  Kick your fears aside and remember that you can be whatever you want to be.  Anything! Get pass the sky and know that the universe is the limit.

So to my niece Hazel for graduating and for reminding me that anything is possible in this world if you work hard.  Congratulations Bey! You are and always will be the best niece I could ever wish for.  I am so proud of you Kep!

Once upon a time a boy named Romeo met a girl named Zeliah and as time passes she falls for him.  Later she learns that there is another woman in his life Juliet.  They plan so much yet nothing falls into place and Zeliah walks away, to do the right thing, be righteous!  Time passes and Romeo comes back unwilling to let go, and once again she breaks, for she adores him so, but quickly walks away from him.  Until one day Juliet and Romeo marry, and Zeliah feels a sigh of relief, finally this is the end.  She closes her heart and tries to forget, and each time he tells her he loves her, she begs him to stay with Juliet and make it work.  Its been more than a year and he keeps coming back, and  even though she fights, it was becoming harder and harder to walk away.  Until today...

"When you love someone you do the right thing no matter how much it hurts.  I let you go not so I can hurt you.  I let you go because deep inside I knew that with each encounter and with each day I am capable of loving you more and I have no right to do that, for you already belong to another "

"You reap what you sow"

"Please walk away and forget to come back.  Love her as if she and I are one, for as you do, inside my frail heart and in my wildest imagination you've loved me too.  I will live my love for you through her, and as you love her back, you give me the love I have always dreamed of. "

If you take something or someone from another, then you will lose the same if not more in your life.  Karma is a witch and I am not willing to face her anytime soon  

When your heart tries to defy you, and cause you to really look into your morals, that is when you must be strong.  We all need to stick to our principles, because that is what separates us from those who PREACH yet never do.  In order to be able to look at my daughter in the face I need to show her that when something is wrong, even if in your heart it feels right, then you must do what is morally correct, no matter how much it hurts.  I still believe in Karma and more than ever, learning about God through the bible has taught me what is right.  If by chance what I did in the past, came back to me I could deal with that, but the thought of it coming back to my daughter is too much for  me to even contemplate.

I once said I love no one more than I love my daughter and that will never ever change.  She remains more important than any living thing in this world.  Therefore my decisions will always reflect her future.  I look at her and my decision becomes clear, it is not only easy but amazingly simple. 

I want to live my life not only guiding my daughter but becoming her example.  I want her to always be proud of the woman who bore her, much as I am proud of my mother, for she loved me with all her heart and she lived her life as best she can for me. 

I want the little girl who sits for 2-3 hours every Friday through Bible Study, just silently reading, and never complaining to know that she is worth more than anyone.  The beautiful creature that I still can't believe came from me.  The one who never lets a day go pass without giving me a card or a letter to remind me how ultimately lucky I am.  The one who is with me everyday through every single struggle and every single triumph, however small.  The same little girl who sees me as perfect, no matter how imperfect I can be.  The only one who continues to love me unconditionally and whom I will truly love for as long as I live.

Today I walk away,
Today I am no longer astray, 
Today I turn away from what's wrong, 
Today we no longer belong, 
Today is the end of what used to be,
Today I began to truly see, 
Today I will forget to cry,
Today I will forever say goodbye

The struggle is over and my strength is renewed.  It isn't always easy to do the right thing, but if you have a more important reason, you can do anything.  My reason is clear, and its the most important of all, she is the reason I breath, time to Exhale...

True

If you spend your days thinking of me and I spend mine thinking of you... Are we together even though we are afar? At night can you see the stars that I wish on for you?  Can you feel the moon's glow on your skin as it glistens on mine? I am finding it hard to fight these emotions, how hard is it to suppress your heart?  So many questions and yet I avoid the answers. I sit here in my room watching the sun as it prepares to set, yet my heart longs to sit with you under that tree, forget the world and be free, for I already know where I am destined to be.  In my heart you are real and in my thoughts you are here. All it takes is for me to close my eyes, and my dreams of you come true.  So true...

Sometimes words fail in comparison...

I miss you too....