My Valentines,

Its been a grueling month, with me working 10-12 hours everyday, and through all that time the only thing that continues to make me smile are the people in my life that continue to understand and comfort me even when I am so irritable and so unreasonable sometimes.  My life was never a normal one, and to be fair I don't think anyone has a textbook life, yet I know that in this world where we all must do the best that we can I was blessed with the best of the best, when I feel like some friends are letting me down, there are those whom I hold dear, they continue to support and love me unconditionally.

To my forever valentine Natasha who would have to be the most patient and understanding daughter that I have ever met.  You teach me so much about maturity and patience and unconditional love. You have loved me through the toughest moments and continue to show me unwavering patience even when I am being a pain. This month has been tough, and yet again I am learning that when times are tough only those that are your real friends will stick with you.  You have been with me through the toughest decisions and the worst of the worst and you weathered through like the strong young lady I prayed you would be.  I thank god that even with my mistakes he gave me a daughter like you, because you truly do make life worth living.  I always marvel at your determination and strength.  Know that no matter what you have me and in this world I will always be in your corner without exceptions.  There is always you and I and forever is never long enough to describe the love and the bond that will always hold us together. My daughter how can I put to words the tremendous joy that I hold in my heart for you.  The sheer delight in just being around you, and how can I ever thank you for the love you give me.  So mature even at a young age.  I love you my baby, those words fail in comparison to what I hold in my heart for you.

My husband, what can I say, we got through despite the storm, our love continued to prevail, and we are stronger now than ever, despite everything that anyone has ever tried, and yes I will always have your corner too.  I once prayed for a man with integrity and strength, one whose word is true and his heart real, where loyalty and trust go hand in hand, and you surpassed all that and more, how lucky am I? For appreciating me always, and for being there no matter what, I love you. Thank you for showing me that I am worth more and that no one has the right to take advantage of me. Thank you for teaching me how to be a better person each and everyday. Thank you for understanding me when I am being so unreasonable. Our dreams are coming true one by one.  I remain humble of the love you give me. Everyone is asking how do I know its you?  I tell them its because of who you are, that in itself is vast in entirety. It isn't just that you are the one, instead it is the fact that you will always be the only one. This is the perfect day to let you know how grateful I am to have you in my life, and at the same time let you know just how much I love you, but then each and everyday you show me just how much you love me and I grow deeper in love with you each day also.  So let this be the day when we can celebrate not just our love for each other but the love we have for everyone around us. 

To my mother for guiding me and for loving me always. For my sister for being an inspiration, now I understand you better, because now I am beginning to walk your path, its tough and hard and sometimes its lonely but it pays off when you are able to give your child what she/he needs.  I understand Atche!  For my niece, still one brilliant young lady, who continues to be such an asset to our family. For my brother in-law for reminding me what I should look for. For my friends from Kuya Alino to Dee, thank you for the phone call, see you soon sister. To those who I forgot to name and to you who reads this now. 

Happy Valentines Day     

When I met...

Many will break your heart, shattering it to many pieces, but there is always one that will put the pieces back together and help you to ultimately love forever.

Time has passed, so much has happened.  I began to lose touch with this journal.  I started this journal way back in March 2004 when I felt my life had fallen apart.  I had left a job and a home and all my friends in pursuit of what I thought was love only to find it was an illusion.  I had chased a dream that was based on lies, and I thought my life was over.  I felt like I had ruined my life and worse still I felt I had ruined my daughters life also. This journal became my outlet.  A place to understand it all. This journal became the friend who I could talk to since all my friends were all so far away.  No one really knew the extent of what I was feeling and how much pain I had to get through, but this journal.  I stopped believing and caring about so many things after that. I was even suicidal at one point and still no one knew I couldn't open up to anyone (Yep good old strong me who never buckled was suicidal, its taking a lot for me to admit that even here now, but its ok I am passed all that now)

I look back today from the first entries of this journal to this very day, and I know that thorn is finally gone. I plucked it and then I stomped on it, then I burnt it and then I shredded it, and finally I can say I am back to me again.  I am Nataly again.  It took a while to get through the heartache, through all the deception and through all the darkness. 

"I never thought anyone could ever get through to me again.  I had closed my heart, and I had built a steel wall to protect me and when  I met you I began to open the door, but even though I gave so much of me, there was still that survival instinct not to leave my heart so vulnerable. I had to be tough and be ready to walk away just in case.  You see that was the person that I had promised myself to be, never be caught by surprise again and to be ready always.  We went through so much together in this short time, still you stood your ground, and no matter what I did, and I can be a sarcastic, demanding, stubborn and testy witch when I want to be.  You stayed and you never stopped believing in me, even when I tried to push you away, you never gave up.  You really showed me what love is suppose to be. So many and I mean so many have tried to reach me and still no one got close.  You continue to be this strong and positive force in my life.  You continue to give me this love that I still can't believe is mine.  I keep trying to justify that I deserve it, and rather than that I decided to just be grateful for it and I know now I am ready.  I  am ready to love you with all my heart and with all my life. Thank you for helping me heal without me even knowing it."

Why am I sharing this?  Because I want you all to know that no matter how many heartaches and no matter how many times you get hurt, know that one day someone will come when you least expect it and they will help you heal, they will hold your hand and remind you who you used to be and what love truly means. One day you too will feel secure again, and you too will be happy again.  Having your heart broken especially for those as dramatic as me, can be the most excruciating pain that you can ever know.  Its a pain that only those who are real can truly feel. It can leave you scarred and dent your self esteem too.

Today I live my life without a chip on my shoulder, and I finally let go of all my past, every single ex who was a friend is no longer that.  I am leaving that past because it never brought me anything but tears, instead I'm living my today with a grin and I'm looking forward to my future with a smile. I am finally back to me again.  I believe in Love again. I am finally {{ IN LOVE}} for the first time I know what that means.

I apologize to everyone whose journal I haven't visited in a while.  Thank you for coming to read my words nevertheless.  I am taking the comments part off my journal for a while, at least until I catch up with everyone.  I hope that you are all happy in your lives.  I miss you all very much.

Faith

Lately faith has been very elusive. It seems so dramatic HUH?  But faith seems to be lost, it left along with some so called friends I erased from my life.  I guess faith is so diverse and so vast in meaning that it can get lost in this maze we call life.  Whatever happened to believing in friends, in those we love?  What happened to I believe in you.  Whatever happened to I trust my friend because she/he is a good person?  Whatever happened to I trust my sister/brother because we are family?  I trust you because I love you?

I hear so many talk about how bad their lives are and why them? BLAH! BLAH! How can God let this happen to them? BLAH BLAH DUH BLAH!  Surely faith is important to all of us.  Its trusting first and foremost in God, knowing that even when times are hard he is right there, guiding, watching, and always carrying whatever heavy problems we seem to think that we have to face alone.  To know that when life seems to throw you stones, that he is right there pulling and pushing you so can dodge them all, if only you would listen.  I am not trying to preach I was just voicing out what made sense to me.  I just feel that these days everyone is sold on the only believe in what you can see.  I don't see the air but I know its there, otherwise we would all be dead.  I haven't seen my mother for almost 10 years but I know she is home and she loves me. I feel it whenever I look at my daughter.  I don't see the money I make because it goes straight to my bills, but I know its there!!  God is more important than air to me, and my faith in him is not based on the miracles he gave me in my life, although I can name more than a hundred of them in my 30 years of life alone.   I guess put simply with faith nothing is impossible, its the most strongest equivalent to hope.

How many of us have doubted our friends?  I am not the best when it comes to keeping in touch.  My email skills used to be better, and my phone ones have also deteriorated.  I have faith in my friends though.  I believe that our friendships are strong enough to understand each other, that in this life there are friends for life, and even if you don't talk to them everyday, the bond is strong and will last the time if its true!  Its when you can talk to your best friend after a year and you will still love each other just as much, its about receiving a card even after 5 years of losing touch, from a friend whom you haven't seen in 13 years.  It's the faith that helps you appreciate that even though you rarely spend time together you are always in each other's heart.  It's knowing your friend well enough to know what she/he is capable of.  It's knowing them well enough to stand up for them when someone says something that isn't true.  It's having faith in them whether they are there or not.  People who know what friendship means keep the right friends for life.

As for love, surely that is where faith has to be infinite.  Faith that the person you love can and will do anything for you.  Faith that they love you above anyone before you. Its common sense after all, that if they have ex's its because it didn't work.  Faith that the person you love mean what they say.  Loving someone isn't hard, its really easy when you put your heart into it.  There is no effort involved, because it comes naturally. Its something that we are all capable of, some of us have been so hurt that its hard to trust ( I should know!)  I believe myself to be trusting (Naive - as my sister would remind me often) but I believe that only when you open your heart will you truly feel love in its purest form.  I lost my faith in love after Jerome, because I thought that if I can feel that way for someone and it still goes wrong then surely there is no hope, so I closed all the doors, and shut myself in. I pushed everything and everyone away from me.  I began to lost faith in me, and in love.  I decided I will be alone and focus my belief in God, nurse my spirituality and look to him to be my father and my daughter's father since both our fathers are so good with their jobs (yes I am sarcastic!).  Cut a long story I thought that because Jerome didn't fight for me and he didn't love me back the way I loved him, meant that love was just as stupid as everyone had told me. See what a little insecurity will get you?  I realized now its not how much someone loves me, its how much I believe in myself, what I deem my worth to be, its waiting and loving someone who will love me back just the way I would love them.  It's having faith that the person you love knows you enough to believe in you too.  The past is exactly that, it has no bearing on the future, only lessons that help us make less mistakes.  I learned a lot of lessons from my past and from my ex's and they are very profound. The infamous "NOT THE 1 YO !"  and another one too and its more profound " YOU DESERVE BETTER NAT !"  Make sure that while looking behind you, life doesn't pass you by.

As for faith well it is just that.  Faith is vital in any relationship, its important in all aspects of our lives.  It's what keeps us all going when things start to become too confusing, too hard or too complicated.  It's your faith in yourself that you can and will do anything you set your mind to.  It's my belief in my daughter that just as I grew up strong with only my mother to guide me, and despite my deadbeat father not being around.  It's believing in her enough to know she understands who truly loves her, and who puts up a front for their own conscience.  It's me believing that I will one day finally celebrate Father's Day.  It's me believing that my sister has enough faith in me to know I am truly trying my best.  It's me believing that one day my mom will deem me to be settled even though I am not married yet!  It's having faith that today is the day I can confront those who take advantage of me.

It's having enough faith  to know that this morning was not so good, but the rest of the day will get better.  Its having faith that no matter what happens God is always there, even when I make mistakes, he is always merciful (ooh I used our bible study lesson last week - I think I am getting good at applying the lessons now). It's having faith that I will be ok no matter what.  It's remembering that in order for me to look at myself in the mirror and in order to be able to look at my daughter in the face I need to live my life with my principles intact, and if I make mistakes to forgive myself and get up and keep trying to walk a straight path again.  Its having faith in my daughter to see her mother the way she truly is, inlove with life, God and her daughter.  I have faith in her to know that she knows me and that no matter what I am true to myself first, and then true to her, as for everyone else well...YEAH ok! I said OK

Whoever said its hard to say the truth and its better not to write when you are annoyed. I think its when you can say what you feel and be real and true, thats when you are really writing, being nice all the time is lying to yourself, we all have bad days and crappy days, and I am just like everyone else.  This journal is my journey through life written for all, but only justified to me.  Writing is a self expression for me. It's a way to deal and cope and a way to understand and keep notes of what I learn in my life.  Wow that felt good, see what a dose of emotional cleansing can do for the system. I feel so much better. I just have to have faith that those who take the time to read this will feel ok too   If not, why not coconut?

Friendship

Yesterday I learned a valuable lesson in friendship and it is this. When things get tough only the real friends stick with you! So I want to take this time to thank all my friends from Philippines to London, from Spain to Australia, from Japan to Tanzania. Bangladesh to Italy.

I want to start with Janet who has been my friend since the age of 5, we've been through everything from hopscotch to motherhood, through broken hearts, you name it.  I want to say thank you for still being here, still calling me on my birthday even after 25 years, for being a true friend and for being so understanding when I was late to call on your birthday, thank you!

To Adunai who has been a friend since we were 10. I hope that Yumi is all that you have ever dreamt of, it was nice hearing both your voices this morning.  I am glad you are happy, and thank you for the phone call.

To Damian and Carl, my long lost friends from middle school who helped me learn about what boys or men can be like, and taught me how to avoid the idiots (didn't learn that very well!) For the endless times you got into fights because of me LMAO. Thank you.

To Kerry Ann who was my most trustworthy ally in highschool, and who will always remain my white twin sister, thank you for making me a godmother, and thank you for Nat's Birthday Card.  I miss you too.

To Anawara the one woman who I love like no other, CHUREL I miss you.  I know you read this and so I just want to say thank you for Nat's presents and mine and thank you for everything, from the phone calls to the endless support and never ending understanding and most of all for making me a part of your family. I won't ever forget.

To Malou who remains a big part of my life, thank you for being there always, for always looking out for my back and for speaking up for me whenever needed.  For knowing me well enough to respect me and for never believing anyone else before me. Thank you.

To Keoni for the sheer brilliance and deep conversations.  For always reminding me what a real friend is, and for understanding when I fall short of you.  For knowing just how to talk to me, knowing how to ask me, and for waiting 12 hours to be able to get here to Cali, for teaching me not just in IT but in life, and for the encouragements and the favors that are beyond thank you.  You are a great friend Keoni, we won't forget.

To Dana for always calling and for being real enough to tell me when I am being stupid, rare are those who will tell you how they truly feel, but would you believe they make the most wonderful friend.  For never lying to me, for always looking out for me, and for being on my side no matter what.  For letting me be a part of my god daughters birth. Thank you.

To kuya Alino and Ate Arlene for the love and support and for always looking out for me too.  For the many days and nights spent just talking and for the many advice and many ways you've been on my side.  Yes I know about those =) Thank you.  For the different ways that you have helped me grow and mature just by sharing what you've experienced.

This list is by no means finished, so far these are the ones off the top of my head, and the ones whom I would fight to the death for and whom I would trust my life to.  I learned a long time ago that loyalty is a precious commodity in any relationship, most of all in friendship.  Acceptance truly is the key, in that when your friend does something wrong stop them or talk to them and find out the facts before reacting, but most of all you stick with them through hell and fire, even if you have to hit them to get them to listen to you.  Friendship is about being there for one another and never turning your back on each other when crap hits the fan.  It's common sense, for only when you treat your friends that way will you find that they are with you for life. I guess put simply that until you know how to be a real friend, and only when you can be real to yourself will you find yourself with an amazing array of friends who are with you forever.  I am just grateful that I am lucky enough to be blessed with enough friends to know which ones are worth keeping.

To all my friends even those I forgot to mention both online and in person. Thank you!

Blessed

For holding my hand wherever we go
For knowing just how to love me so
For understanding what lies in my heart
For wishing we were never apart

For always looking at me tenderly
For not realizing just how much you teach me
For inspiring me to be all I can be
For assuring me everything is a possibility

For washing plates whenever we eat
For quiet nights and entwined feets
For folding my laundry so neatly
For the magic of our intimacy

For never taking your eyes from me no matter how far
For keeping me calm when I crashed my car
For taking her to school every morning
For hugging me every evening

For being a man with intelligence and integrity
For making us and our life together a priority
For continuing to amaze me everyday
For the peace that I feel as we both pray

For the kindness you extend to everyone
For meeting my family from day one
For helping her with her homework
For taking me everyday to work

For singing in public just for me
For holding me incessantly
For reaching for my hand whenever you drive
For showing me what it would be like the rest of our lives

For your heart that still fascinates me
For your soul that has become my santuary
For your arms that have kept me safe from harm
For your smile and overwhelming charm

For showing me a love I have never known
For because of you I have grown
For the way that you helped me mature
For a love that is so true and pure

For even more beautiful memories to come
For breathtaking moments and then some
For a future filled with love and happiness
For because of you I am truly blessed

Decirce me amas, porque...

How do I begin to explain when love feels so good, that it takes over all your senses, when you feel so crazy and so happy that it seems like no one else exist in this world.

How do I begin to share a feeling so unlike any other feeling I ever felt before. I feel so helpless, but strong.  I feel so happy its unreal! What is this?  I can't begin to put it to words.  For the first time in my life I am so sure.  I prayed for so long and wish for all my life to find him, and to find him here feels like I'm dreaming.  I have to constantly pinch myself just to remember that its ok, that this time I can trust my heart.  That this time I am right.  I always used to ask, how do you know when you meet the right person?  Whenever I met someone and things start I pray and hope "Let this be the one?" Unsure yet hoping!

Yet today I'm here, fear aside and heart open,to say he is the one, the only one. I am sure beyond belief, and I'm determined without hesitation.  I never thought that I could feel this sure about anything, about any man. How can this be? Everything seems to be perfect for us, as if angels guide our very step.

How I wish I can share this with everyone around me, with the friends who still long to find real love. To let them feel this sense of completion.  I used to cringe when I hear people say "You complete me!" I used to think that was so cliche, so unoriginal, it came from a movie for crying out loud, but now I understand. Its a different kind of completion. Its a feeling that stems from the bottom of your soul. It's when you can honestly say you don't need anything. Its when you feel whole within.  You feel so complete!

I was always told you cannot live on love alone, my question is how can you live without love? I am taking each step forward to a future that is yet to be written, with a love that only God could have given me.  I am yet again in awe, for he always seems to bless me with more than what I have asked for.  I prayed for a man with integrity, a pure heart, and a kind soul, strong yet gentle mentally, physically and emotionally.  He gave me you and you are so much more, more than my heart could ever dream of.  I live in reality with a dream come true.  What more can I ask for?  NOTHING MORE!

I hope and pray that you all get to experience this feeling. Even better I hope you already are experiencing it.

When words are not enough to describe how you feel, only actions are left.  Thank you for showing me, that words cannot compare, to a love that is unconditional, truly limitless.

Mi amor no hay necesidad de hablar para más que redacta te quiero aunque mis acciones siempre.

Te Queiro solo Pa!

Mucho Mas...

Selfish

When I want to do what I need to for me
When there is no logic and prudence to see
When I respond only to my heart's desire
When I refuse to take a ground that's higher
Oh! to be selfish

When I don't want to consider anyone else
When I forget to do what makes sense
When I hold on to you just because
When I remember me the most
Oh! to be selfish

When I put my heart before my mind
When I allow myself to be so blind
When I think about just you and me
When I stay in what used to be
Oh to be selfish

But then there are those who would be hurt
Those who would label us as dirt
Those who depend on you and I
The ones whom we can't say goodbye

I remember now why we can't be
That a long time ago we made a plea
A promise to ourselves and to them
Where our principles now stem

I wish I could be selfish and just do
Allow my heart and mind to pursue
The dream that was so beautiful in its entirety
A love spurned among uncertainty

I feel just as locked as you do
Now I'm caged in this emotion too
I am drowning as I try to flee
You never did say if you found the key

I pray that God will give you the strength
Help you go that extra length
I will be talking to him too
To help me do what I have to do

For you see I can never be selfish
I can only stay here, hope and wish
That one day I will find someone just like you
That even while I wake my dreams will come true

Its hard to do the right thing and this much is real
It aches to walk away from your heart and all that you feel
Its harder to break the hearts of those whom you care for

.......You remain another butterfly freed to soar