When I met...

Many will break your heart, shattering it to many pieces, but there is always one that will put the pieces back together and help you to ultimately love forever.

Time has passed, so much has happened.  I began to lose touch with this journal.  I started this journal way back in March 2004 when I felt my life had fallen apart.  I had left a job and a home and all my friends in pursuit of what I thought was love only to find it was an illusion.  I had chased a dream that was based on lies, and I thought my life was over.  I felt like I had ruined my life and worse still I felt I had ruined my daughters life also. This journal became my outlet.  A place to understand it all. This journal became the friend who I could talk to since all my friends were all so far away.  No one really knew the extent of what I was feeling and how much pain I had to get through, but this journal.  I stopped believing and caring about so many things after that. I was even suicidal at one point and still no one knew I couldn't open up to anyone (Yep good old strong me who never buckled was suicidal, its taking a lot for me to admit that even here now, but its ok I am passed all that now)

I look back today from the first entries of this journal to this very day, and I know that thorn is finally gone. I plucked it and then I stomped on it, then I burnt it and then I shredded it, and finally I can say I am back to me again.  I am Nataly again.  It took a while to get through the heartache, through all the deception and through all the darkness. 

"I never thought anyone could ever get through to me again.  I had closed my heart, and I had built a steel wall to protect me and when  I met you I began to open the door, but even though I gave so much of me, there was still that survival instinct not to leave my heart so vulnerable. I had to be tough and be ready to walk away just in case.  You see that was the person that I had promised myself to be, never be caught by surprise again and to be ready always.  We went through so much together in this short time, still you stood your ground, and no matter what I did, and I can be a sarcastic, demanding, stubborn and testy witch when I want to be.  You stayed and you never stopped believing in me, even when I tried to push you away, you never gave up.  You really showed me what love is suppose to be. So many and I mean so many have tried to reach me and still no one got close.  You continue to be this strong and positive force in my life.  You continue to give me this love that I still can't believe is mine.  I keep trying to justify that I deserve it, and rather than that I decided to just be grateful for it and I know now I am ready.  I  am ready to love you with all my heart and with all my life. Thank you for helping me heal without me even knowing it."

Why am I sharing this?  Because I want you all to know that no matter how many heartaches and no matter how many times you get hurt, know that one day someone will come when you least expect it and they will help you heal, they will hold your hand and remind you who you used to be and what love truly means. One day you too will feel secure again, and you too will be happy again.  Having your heart broken especially for those as dramatic as me, can be the most excruciating pain that you can ever know.  Its a pain that only those who are real can truly feel. It can leave you scarred and dent your self esteem too.

Today I live my life without a chip on my shoulder, and I finally let go of all my past, every single ex who was a friend is no longer that.  I am leaving that past because it never brought me anything but tears, instead I'm living my today with a grin and I'm looking forward to my future with a smile. I am finally back to me again.  I believe in Love again. I am finally {{ IN LOVE}} for the first time I know what that means.

I apologize to everyone whose journal I haven't visited in a while.  Thank you for coming to read my words nevertheless.  I am taking the comments part off my journal for a while, at least until I catch up with everyone.  I hope that you are all happy in your lives.  I miss you all very much.