December 1, 2005

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  Faith

  
  

  

  
  

  Lately faith has been very elusive. It seems so dramatic HUH?  But faith seems to be lost, it left along with some so called friends I erased from my life.  I guess faith is so diverse and so vast in meaning that it can get lost in this maze we call life.  Whatever happened to believing in friends, in those we love?  What happened to I believe in you.  Whatever happened to I trust my friend because she/he is a good person?  Whatever happened to I trust my sister/brother because we are family?  I trust you because I love you?

  
  

  I hear so many talk about how bad their lives are and why them? BLAH! BLAH! How can God let this happen to them? BLAH BLAH DUH BLAH!  Surely faith is important to all of us.  Its trusting first and foremost in God, knowing that even when times are hard he is right there, guiding, watching, and always carrying whatever heavy problems we seem to think that we have to face alone.  To know that when life seems to throw you stones, that he is right there pulling and pushing you so can dodge them all, if only you would listen.  I am not trying to preach I was just voicing out what made sense to me.  I just feel that these days everyone is sold on the only believe in what you can see.  I don't see the air but I know its there, otherwise we would all be dead.  I haven't seen my mother for almost 10 years but I know she is home and she loves me. I feel it whenever I look at my daughter.  I don't see the money I make because it goes straight to my bills, but I know its there!!  God is more important than air to me, and my faith in him is not based on the miracles he gave me in my life, although I can name more than a hundred of them in my 30 years of life alone.   I guess put simply with faith nothing is impossible, its the most strongest equivalent to hope.

  
  

  How many of us have doubted our friends?  I am not the best when it comes to keeping in touch.  My email skills used to be better, and my phone ones have also deteriorated.  I have faith in my friends though.  I believe that our friendships are strong enough to understand each other, that in this life there are friends for life, and even if you don't talk to them everyday, the bond is strong and will last the time if its true!  Its when you can talk to your best friend after a year and you will still love each other just as much, its about receiving a card even after 5 years of losing touch, from a friend whom you haven't seen in 13 years.  It's the faith that helps you appreciate that even though you rarely spend time together you are always in each other's heart.  It's knowing your friend well enough to know what she/he is capable of.  It's knowing them well enough to stand up for them when someone says something that isn't true.  It's having faith in them whether they are there or not.  People who know what friendship means keep the right friends for life.

  
  

  As for love, surely that is where faith has to be infinite.  Faith that the person you love can and will do anything for you.  Faith that they love you above anyone before you. Its common sense after all, that if they have ex's its because it didn't work.  Faith that the person you love mean what they say.  Loving someone isn't hard, its really easy when you put your heart into it.  There is no effort involved, because it comes naturally. Its something that we are all capable of, some of us have been so hurt that its hard to trust ( I should know!)  I believe myself to be trusting (Naive - as my sister would remind me often) but I believe that only when you open your heart will you truly feel love in its purest form.  I lost my faith in love after Jerome, because I thought that if I can feel that way for someone and it still goes wrong then surely there is no hope, so I closed all the doors, and shut myself in. I pushed everything and everyone away from me.  I began to lost faith in me, and in love.  I decided I will be alone and focus my belief in God, nurse my spirituality and look to him to be my father and my daughter's father since both our fathers are so good with their jobs (yes I am sarcastic!).  Cut a long story I thought that because Jerome didn't fight for me and he didn't love me back the way I loved him, meant that love was just as stupid as everyone had told me. See what a little insecurity will get you?  I realized now its not how much someone loves me, its how much I believe in myself, what I deem my worth to be, its waiting and loving someone who will love me back just the way I would love them.  It's having faith that the person you love knows you enough to believe in you too.  The past is exactly that, it has no bearing on the future, only lessons that help us make less mistakes.  I learned a lot of lessons from my past and from my ex's and they are very profound. The infamous "NOT THE 1 YO !"  and another one too and its more profound " YOU DESERVE BETTER NAT !"  Make sure that while looking behind you, life doesn't pass you by.

  
  

  As for faith well it is just that.  Faith is vital in any relationship, its important in all aspects of our lives.  It's what keeps us all going when things start to become too confusing, too hard or too complicated.  It's your faith in yourself that you can and will do anything you set your mind to.  It's my belief in my daughter that just as I grew up strong with only my mother to guide me, and despite my deadbeat father not being around.  It's believing in her enough to know she understands who truly loves her, and who puts up a front for their own conscience.  It's me believing that I will one day finally celebrate Father's Day.  It's me believing that my sister has enough faith in me to know I am truly trying my best.  It's me believing that one day my mom will deem me to be settled even though I am not married yet!  It's having faith that today is the day I can confront those who take advantage of me.

  
  

  It's having enough faith  to know that this morning was not so good, but the rest of the day will get better.  Its having faith that no matter what happens God is always there, even when I make mistakes, he is always merciful (ooh I used our bible study lesson last week - I think I am getting good at applying the lessons now). It's having faith that I will be ok no matter what.  It's remembering that in order for me to look at myself in the mirror and in order to be able to look at my daughter in the face I need to live my life with my principles intact, and if I make mistakes to forgive myself and get up and keep trying to walk a straight path again.  Its having faith in my daughter to see her mother the way she truly is, inlove with life, God and her daughter.  I have faith in her to know that she knows me and that no matter what I am true to myself first, and then true to her, as for everyone else well...YEAH ok! I said OK

  
  

  Whoever said its hard to say the truth and its better not to write when you are annoyed. I think its when you can say what you feel and be real and true, thats when you are really writing, being nice all the time is lying to yourself, we all have bad days and crappy days, and I am just like everyone else.  This journal is my journey through life written for all, but only justified to me.  Writing is a self expression for me. It's a way to deal and cope and a way to understand and keep notes of what I learn in my life.  Wow that felt good, see what a dose of emotional cleansing can do for the system. I feel so much better. I just have to have faith that those who take the time to read this will feel ok too   If not, why not coconut?

  • 6:19 am
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