April 19, 2005
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I Decide
Who knew huh? I only just realized I am a 29 year old living like a child, living a life tied to many mistakes, still paying for mistakes that I made way back when, for falling in love with a jerk and ruining my life and giving up all that I had. Still feeling guilty and being told how stupid and useless I am. How irresponsible and how utterly bad I am both as a mother and a person.
Today I realized for the very first time that I let too many people tell me what I can or cannot do! Who I am and what I am allowed to be! I got through and never died all those times that I struggled as a single parent and yet I never realized how strong I am and who I really can be.
I forgot who I was and who I used to be, it only took one lying lowlife to break my confidence and make me believe that my own judgement can't be trusted and to this day I forgot that I can make my own decisions, because I am old enough to do so. I forgot that I actually am an adult and that no one can stop me from doing what I want to do. I forgot that I was always free. I just couldn't be free from my own self doubt, my hesitation towards my own judgement.
Today I know no one has the right to tell me what I am allowed to do, and the only way to be free is to stand on my own two feet and live as myself, by myself, and be in control of my own life again. Today I make a decision that I knew I needed to make way back when.
I did say that being true to myself was the way to go, so here it goes. No more allowing my dad to prolong this citizenship application, no more being nice and allowing him to dodge his responsibilities both as a father and as a human being, time to get my lawyer to earn his fee! I am so sick of people who think they can say and do what they want without consequences. So to my biological father, if you are reading this, now you will see who I am and what makes me proud of my mom. It's because she was a fighter and nothing ever broke her, and more than anything no matter what happened she always stood up and took responsibility, can you say the same I wonder? Yeah im sure not!
As for the rest of the people in my life, expect to see some changes. Those who care will stay and accept and those who leave, well that is up to you. This is my life I make all the decisions. No more listening to everyone else, that is how I got myself in this mess in the first place, listening to someone else tell me what they think I ought to do with my life. Time to make decisions for me, and if I fail then at least I know I tried and no matter what nothing will hold me down.
You can only push someone down so far, after that they bounce back up, its sods law. I need to stop letting people take the piss and take advantage. I know that its going to be so hard to break away and stand alone, but I also knew that, when I decided to be a single parent, so I am not a stranger to a tough path. I just need to be an adult again. I need to be me again, she got lost along the way.
I guess what I am trying to say is this. When you let other people take some of your responsibilities, then expect them to take some or all of your rights too. In order to make your own decisions in life, you have to take charge and act like an adult, don't let anyone push you around or dictate you or tell you what you can or cannot do. If you want to be free then step up and as we say everyday in the gym. "MAN UP" Stop whining and get on with it, don't let anyone or anything stop you, not even yourself. Remember that in this life, you should only depend on yourself, that way you never have to answer to anyone but yourself. It took a while for me to realize that I had set myself up for the life that I have. Now is the time for me to fix it, and stand on my own. What I thought would be easy was harder to swallow after all. Now its time to break away and live my life the best way I can.
Time to be an adult and get some sleep. I have to be up early tomorrow.
Nite
Comments (17)
Hey sis! This is such a strong entry and I am so happy for you! You know that whatever you do, I will always be there for you! Love you sis ko!
Best wishes for u...
wanted to add that even though we always seem to miss each other online, just know that i am here if you ever need a shoulder to lean on. I have a new number....I'll give you a call during the weekend when my minutes are free..hhehe. You are a very good person and I am happy for you. God Bless!
its amazing that no matter how old we are..our loved ones, especially our elders and parents, take such a hold on us.. and we become like this 15 year old person..that we can't think for ourselves..reminding us of our mistakes (like you said)...the "I told you so" I don't know how many times I've heard "tigas ng ulo!" Yet, I think my mother went thru the same trials and tribulations and my mother's mother and so on. I always wondered why do they have to make "breaking away" so hard? Why can't we get the love and support much like from our extended family members..especially from the ones we may need it most!
My dad has literally been a "dictator" in our family...I dislike him for it. When I went to the PI for the first time, my lola treated him like he was 15! It was great!....but strange at the same time. I suppose I'm confused with respecting your elders vs. respecting our wishes and we must do to define ourselves as an adult. I think we will have that neverending battles..and so will your child...
I may not fully understand what your going thru, but your not alone and your entry is truly heartfelt by many who've been in you position... I'm sorry you must go thru such drama..at least I can say..it could only get better from you..and this too shall pass (hopefully)!
Can I get a Hell YES!!! LOL
Sorry you have to deal with the drama though but at the same time it's helping you to stand on your won and make your own decisions, and that is a good thing indeed. You rock Z.
WHEW!! You know what? It is truly necessary sometimes to get broke down to the grown. The phrase "only the strong survive" is so true. When u realize the amount of control you do have, it takes a strong person to take on that responsibility and embrace it. The maturation process is such a delicate one... not everyone is lucky enough to deal with it and progress. Those that are brave enough and smart enough recognize and relish the opportunity. Powerful words Z, inspiring as well. Continue to flourish
Stay blessed!
peace.
people will always find a way to make you feel inferior or useless. you have to decide for yourself what you are and what you will be don't listen to those punks!!
words mean nothing so you can't stop me....
believe in yourself and act on it to the fullest! The more you believe in yourself the more others will believe in you. Like actions attract like actions. I am glad you are realizing these things and hope you will find the strength i know you have. miss you tons.
Hey Zeliah! That's quite a post you made there. I wish you the best of luck on finding yourself and standing on your own. From what I read here and everything you sound like a real strong person and I am sure you can do anything in life that you want to do.
Nothing in life ever comes easy, But you have a lot of people here to support you along your way.
Best wishes to you hun.
HUGS
->Valerie<-
Have missed you lady. Always admired your instincts though and you have done fairly well for yourself. You will know what to do...
well, my dear, surely this statement will make you live a wonderful future....
.....and if the one surrounding you will accept this change, you'll know they'll be real friends....
kisses&hugs
its good to see that you have realized that no one can control you and that no matter what people say, you know you are a good person. you will definitely lead a happier life...xx
Hey sweetie, I enjoyed reading your post. You always have wonderful comments and this one tops it, because like you I was in that same situation. I married a loser who took control, ruined my credit, and would emotionally abuse me. Thank goodness I finally took a stand and left his bum! I was tired of asking what I could wear and what I couldnt', I was tired of his remarks about how no one would ever want to be with me. Its amazing how someone can make you feel so low and take away your self confidence.
I encourage you to go on this quest for being an adult! I know you can do it because you have that fight in you! My mom would always say, Never depend on a man, only yourself. You are in control!!! I wish you the best sweetie! You are an amazing person and I hope to hear more!!! Take care and God bless!!!!
I'm behind you all the way on your decisions. It is your turn, and has always been, to take charge of your life and live the way you've always wanted to. Sadly, at age 21, I have felt the same way you have. Constantly feeling hesitant in making decisions and judgments, finding myself incapable of doing things because I overanalyze and worry too much, having others continue to pester you about what you are doing wrong and hardly ever grateful for what you are doing right. I know those feelings too well. Maybe we can help each other overcome these challenges.
Wonderful, just wonderful. You've got it all in you, all you need to be happy and fulfilled. People can only do to you what you let them do. Bravo, Zelia!
You have clearly stated the intent...now it is time to build the momentum behind that intent through actions that support it. Go!
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