January 5, 2005

• So.....
   
  
  

  She walks past that white gate and lays the white flowers on the marbled stone, its a never ending dream that haunts her still.  It's been over 10 years since the day she heard. She kneeled and laid down on the ground, looking up at the sky she uttered

  
  

  "How are you?  I miss you so much.  It's been over 11 years since we saw each other.  What is it like there?  I miss talking to you.  I miss hearing your voice.  It's been so long huh?  I wonder if you can see me still, if you are now the one guarding me for all time.  I feel so much wiser.  Luna is getting older, she grew so fast, i'm still unsure if I am doing the right parenting, but I am learning everyday.  She is still so amazingly clever, so cheeky and so affectionate.   I see her and remember the day when you passed away, two days before she was born when you just faded from my life.  I miss you so much.  I spent most of yesterday crying, it still haunts me and no one really knows how bad it still hurts to just know you are gone. 

  
  

  I am still here, still fighting to survive, still giving it all that I have, still staying positive and still wishing you were around.  So much has happened since I last wrote to you last year.  I am still in Cali, and she and I have gone through so much, but we understand each other better.  I love her now more just as much as I love you, who knew huh?  I used to spend so much time envious of her, now I'm just glad to be with her, she is amazing.  I know you'll be shocked since I never used to talk about her much to you, but she is.  She and I have found a new understanding of each other, so much hurt from the past, but the future is a new era, filled with better memories, if we choose it to be.  I know what sister means now, and in time I hope we will have what you and I used to have, remember that understanding we always had without words, yeah I want to have the same thing with her.

  
  

  I still wish you never went out that night and that you never had that accident, maybe you would be alive right now.  I still wish I could visit your grave even for just one day.  I still long to talk to you rather than write you these letters.  I still feel guilty for wishing that the other male father figures in my life could have died instead of the one whom I loved the most.  That sound bad huh?  There's honesty for you, not always a pretty picture.

  
  

  Lovelife haha! yes I am still as unlucky as before, but its not as bad as last year, remember THE RAT, oh my he was a jerk and a half huh!  Yeah well I forgot about him in time, and I have met some good men, and although I thought (notice I said thought) I had met the one in them, there was always a reason.  There was the one who was too far away, was perfect in every sense, and he had everything I had always dreamed of, but as usual circumstances came in between and he walked away, he even did it for the perfect reason too (he did it for my happiness), which sucks even more.  Then there was "I have a best friend who loves me" guy, he was almost, but I walked away because I could not bear to hurt his best friend, and I dont think he could either.  Let me see?? who else, ah there was also the one who loved me so much and yet managed to cheat even just once, he was a good guy, just too insecure.  Then there was the religious one who I was so sure to be a keeper, but he was just as undecisive as a wheel of fortune.  There was the tall guy who was a little too arrogant so I kicked him to the kerb fast.  There was the I have a girlfriend but I love you guy, enough said huh!  You know me I never steal another man, its too demeaning and its a stupid mistake to try.  So there you go my love life summed up for the whole year, yes I am sure most of the time you were watching me through all of those.  I have come a long way, and I am not the same girl that used to take crap and I no longer fool myself into believing it could work, in fact at the first sign of something blatant that I dont like in them I walk away, maybe I'm wrong but for now it helps me protect my heart.  I just believe that I deserve better, and I'm not willing to settle for anyone who is not on the same wavelength let alone the same planet.

  
  

  Is it really so much to ask someone to have honesty, intergrity, strength and be loyal.  Looks dont really matter, although I wont lie that it would be nice.  I have considered even men whom my friends mock because of their looks (Dana being the worst at this LOL!).  I just believe wisdom, integrity, spirituality and honesty are more important than anything.  Who really knows ey! I've stopped analyzing, it doesn't make a difference.

  
  

  There I go rambling on.  I just feel that a year is a lot to sum it up.  Most of the time when I write entries on all my journals I imagine you read them from up there, and as you look down, you are proud of me in your own way.  I'm still learning, always learning, but I am so much more this year than ever before.  I thought I had grown up so fast, but this year came a blinding self reflection that really shook the very foundation of my inner self.  This year has been a hard and tough time but its given me renewed strength and an even bigger desire to keep going and it has been a journey of understanding of who I am and who I want to be.

  
  

  I miss you so much, yesterday was your birthday and I cried in secret, but I still cried, every year I cry for the brother who was my there as a father, a brother, a protector, a guide, a true bestfriend.  I cry for the life you could have led, and I cry for the family of your own that you never had.  I cry for the love you already had but never got to spend your life with.  I cry for the children that you never had.  I cry for our mother who misses you still.  I cry for my sister who knew you better than anyone.  I cry for my niece who misses you so much.  I cry for my daughter whom you have never met.  I cry for the lost that we will always feel now that you are gone.  I cry because I know you are safe now.  I cry for the man who showed me what perfect imperfection meant.  I cry.....

  
  

  I love you.... See you soon....."

  
  

  With that she stood up and walked away from the marble stone, and past that gate. NO goodbyes, never can she say goodbye. Its still hard to say goodbye...

  
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