November 29, 2004

• 
  To be....

  
  
  

  I wish I could understand
  what kind of a man
  I now am longing to find
  it seems so hard to cross the line

  
  

  So hard to trust again
  a broken heart to mend
  a frail trust to show
  an insecurity in tow

  
  

  I want to just break free
  from the sweet memory
  of love as I want it to be
  and again believe in We

  
  

  to remember that it does come true
  that out there is me and you
  and if I keep holding on
  I will never be alone

  
  

  I need to remind myself to breath
  and pull more strength underneath
  this metal shell I now reside in
  let hope and love still win

  
  

  I am trying so hard to just believe again
  But there is only me to attend
  No one to help me understand
  No one to hold my hand

  
  

  I keep fighting to learn
  trying to stop the yearn
  No more prince and fairy tale
  No more cries and silent wail

  
  

  No more happy every after
  Just useless romantic banter
  No more Once upon a time
  Just words from a mime

  
  

  Like a needle in a field of hay
  A star in the light of day
  A penny for a dry well
  and to the deaf a faint yell

  
  

  Right now I am not as positive
  and today I have nothing to give
  does it really suprise you so?
  to find I was human though

  
  

  Alone is not so bad
  no one to annoy you a tad
  no one to insult you someday
  no one to again walk away
  no one to make life complicated
  no one with an ego inflated

  
  

  Just you and your comfy clothes
  and your real self exposed
  but then you wonder if it could ever be
  and you are back to that stupid mystery.
  
  Zeliah copyright 2004

  
  

  Have you ever felt that way?  Do you ever wonder why even when you have so many people who talk to you, and men/women who try to win your heart, still you feel alone. That feeling inside your heart that lingers until the right person comes along.  The one who helps you smile, who reminds you how good life can be.  The one who never has to tell you they love you, for with everything that they do it shows.  The one who knows you better than you know yourself.  The one who is never afraid to be real to you. I do! I know how it feels to be alone, so alone that your own thoughts deafen you.  So alone that you miss your own happiness. Alone yet sorrounded by so many.  Ironic to say the least.

  
  

  I consider myself lucky.  I have so many friends and a few admirers to speak of but still there is that emptiness that haunts me, that all too familiar sensation of fear as it runs accross my heart, reminding me of what could have been and what I still long for.  That fear that holds me prisoner of my own past.  The fear that ignites all self doubts and insecurities that I swore to forget.

  
  

  I always want to meet people who can withstand every obstacle and every trial for I know it takes tremendous strength to do so.  I long to hear what pulls them through, what keeps them going when all else fails. What they deem important when positivity has left their hearts. 

  
  

  I was just thinking out loud, can you hear me though?  can YOU?
  

  • 5:03 am
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