November 24, 2004

• 
  Rainbow...

  
  
  

  Its been so long huh?  I've been concentrating on catching up with work, being ill has left me with a mountain of work to get through, not to mention I started my virtual volunteering project, which means I volunteer to help using skills that I already have via the internet.  I was hesitant at first , because I had spent so much time being a volunteer tech support in the computer chat room that I know taking on other volunteer work meant having to leave them.  I had been helping there for 3 years now, and it has made me so much wiser and even though I was helping other people, the experience has taught me so much about the different problems that we could face with computers, from hardware to software.  I will miss them so much.

  
  

  This new virtual vounteer project was so much more than I could ever imagine, and the work is just as varied, from web design, to newsletter and brochure designs to building databases for Dolphin sanctuaries in Hawaii.  I know, I know it sounds like I've filled my plate full of work again, but this is different, this is not for my unskilled overpayed boss who loves to take credit for my work, this work is to help both man and animals alike, its learning yet again, but helping all the same.  I LOVE IT, ok let me say that again I LOVE IT!!!!  More when I actually complete the work.  So far I have been accepted on all the projects I applied for bar one, which I need to send a resume for, but still I am so excited.  Can you tell?

  
  

  This morning I woke up to a house that was missing the most important part of it, and that would be my sister.  She went back home to the Philippines for a reunion, and the house isn't the same.  I stood at the airport yesterday night wishing I could go with her, or just go back to London, even for 2-3 weeks.  I miss my life before.  I miss my friends, heck I miss the gym there, even my neighbours.  I am happy for when you miss someone it means you can still feel, and when you long it means you are still able, able to love, able to care, able to feel. ALIVE!

  
  

  The airport always has that sad aura to it, at least the departure lounge does.  It lingers with damp emotions, with quiet goodbyes and held back tears that leave you with that huge lump in your throat. The cold metal that sorrounds it further re-iterates the icy atmosphere that cuts through any happy thoughts you once held within.  I want to go back to the Philippines so bad for so many different reasons, and most importantly to see my mom and visit my brothers grave for the first time.  It's been 10 years since he died and when I look at Luna the more I feel the need to go.  I need to see him again, the one man who I loved more than most was my brother, for he was my father, my brother, my defender, and bestfriend.  S*#T !!!! I still can't talk about this.

  
  

  So many things happening, even Ronny is leaving, the hate campaign got to him and he is leaving Xanga.  So much hate and so much anger, and he did ask me what to do, and all I could say was stay.  He was a good person to me, sure he had his own annoying ways but he really wanted to help, and so many people benefited from reading his entries too.  I know there are so many accusations about him, but I knew him as someone different from that, he was there as a friend when I needed someone.  I just wish he would stay, but I know that sometimes all you can do is walk away.  I feel like emotions are overflowing within me.  Life really does keep moving, even when you find your own thoughts standing still, life just keeps moving, never stopping for a moment. 

  
  

  I stopped writing for a while, and here comes being true to myself.  The reason why I stopped writing?  I lost my inspiration.  I lost the desire to share my thoughts.  So many broken hearts, and friends that had to be let go off.  Letting go of Jerome was hard because he sacrificed his own feelings to give me what he thought I wanted, and what I thought I wanted too, but now I know I want so much more.  I had to let go of friends and loved ones too for their own happiness.  Sometimes we all sacrifice.  I miss so many people and just as people walk away and I walk away from them, more and more arrive, and I feel so confused, yet happy.  I am so used to being the one to sacrifice for the one I love, that it becomes almost inevitable, but to meet someone who was willing to sacrifice his happiness for me, was harder to accept than I thought.

  
  

  I guess I felt guilty and I was going through such a hard time that I didn't want to write it down.  I couldn't see anything positive about everything that was happening, and for a person like me that was hard to accept.  I had lived my life trying to find something positive in everything and everyone, and forgot that sometimes acceptance is all thats needed.  I just need to forgive myself for hurting others whether intentionally or not.  I need to keep walking forward, learn that sometimes it just isn't meant to be, no matter how much you want to it be.  Just walk away and let go, just let go.

  
  

  I've looked at it from both sides now, the end of the tunnel is insight and I can almost feel the warmth of the sun. The flicker of the light is getting closer, and tomorrow did come.  I got through, and what got me through?  Well there was Luna, my family, my friends (that would be all of you too!) and most importantly God! My faith gave me the strength I had never deemed possible.  My friends will tell you I never ever ever ask for help.  When things go wrong I need to be alone and gain momentum to deal with it all.  It took a while but I got through.  I am doing ok, and I am glad to be back, as in really back.  I missed you all more than you know. 

  
  

  Thank you to everyone who checks this Xanga often just to check if I update, from Steve, Tiffany, Tony, Teresa, Ronny, Kynan, Torie, Gaz, Laura, Barney, Eric, Don, Francisca, King, Shannon, Amanda and those who dont comment all the time but check, yes I see you LOL! Thank you for coming .  Thank you for taking the time to read and keep an eye on me.  You really make such a difference in the way I see Xanga, and the friendship I feel when I am here is amazing, heartwarming but most of all sincere.

  
  

  Its afternoon, time to take a walk outside, and just feel the sun, remind myself that in life the simplest things are what truly mean the most.  Thank you Primo for reminding me that it is not the time we spend but how we spend it.  It is not the amount of time you have, its what you do with it.  Like what we have been blessed with in life, its not how much money, or looks you have its what you do with it. 

  
  

  So now, you can all stop reading this and go spend your time wisely.  Before you go.... Thank you for being a part of my life.  I mean it thank you for helping me with your kind words and your concern and genuine friendships.  I am very grateful for it.

  • 11:01 pm
  • 23 Comments